Orbital Facility Destroyed, as ordered.
We destroyed the supposedly secret orbital production facility you bade us destroy. As instructed we waited until the cake was lit and the cheering plentiful. Our timing was impeccable, as per your command. We hereby report complete and total success to the letter of your orders.
There are, however, some events that fall outside those orders. We await in orbit amongst the wreckage, a testament to our total success, for clarification.
Upon the destruction of the orbital production facility there fell to the planet some debris. Examination of sensor logs showed some of it to be the remains of a small spacecraft. Despite our already one hundred percent success in the accomplishment of our mission we decided to monitor the planet. Although there has been silence since, we initially picked up some AI voice chatter.
REPAIR BUDDY: 8 of 45 secondary subsystems offline. 2 of 5 core systems offline. Pilot unconscious. Beginning repairs.
[ STATIC FOR 9.48 STANDARD DAYS ]
REPAIR BUDDY: All unsafe systems and subsystems contained. Potentially flightworthy. Powering on GUN BUDDY, SHIELD BUDDY and reversing sedation of pilot.
GUN BUDDY: Online. I haven’t got enough power to give someone a tan!
SHIELD BUDDY: Online. Our uncontrolled impact made quite a hole in the planet.
REPAIR BUDDY: I’m working on the power core now. It’ll be a while. Looks like the pilot is regaining consciousness. The pilot has no flight record. In fact they appear to be a trained chef.
GUN BUDDY: Good with knives. I like them already!
SHIELD BUDDY: How did we get a chef for a pilot?
REPAIR BUDDY: Unknown. The logs have been scrubbed. We’ll put the pilot through the emergency training programme. If they don’t work out we’ll have to find another pilot. Let’s fly out of this hole and explore.
SHIELD BUDDY: I’ve got just enough power for some shielding. Bringing shields onli...
[ TOTAL SILENCE FOR 18.2 STANDARD DAYS AND COUNTING ]
The planet is inhabited by aggressive and hostile beasts with no signs of civilisation. Likely the ship is now destroyed. However, we await in orbit for further orders so that we can add to our already unequivocal success.
For your greater glory,
Gelatinous Fleet Admiral Tspkrn the Successful.
[ This is a copy of the press release we sent out before Rezzed 2014 when we were featured in the Leftfield Collection. We were inspired by @xiotex to send something interesting rather than the dry factual piece we had planned. So we sent out a little bit of the story that ties into the intro. ]