Good evening, grandchildren. Please have a seat by the fireplace and make yourself comfortable. Does everyone have their Snuggies® and hot chocolate? Wonderful. By the way, I’m sorry to hear that your parents are getting divorced.
"What are fables?"
That’s a very good question, Johnny! Fables, like Zsa Zsa Gabor, have been an important part of human history since the beginning of time. They teach us important moral lessons, such as “You are judged by the company you keep," “Treat others as you wish to be treated,” and “You can’t get AIDS by sharing a toothbrush.”
"Where can I read more fables?"
In a fantastic new book written and illustrated by Ryan Shattuck, called Moderately Important Fables.
"What is Moderately Important Fables about?"
Ryan Shattuck -- an author you’ve never heard of but who probably exists -- spent 57 years visiting every corner of the globe, collecting some of the most important fables in human history. He then organized these stories into a book called Moderately Important Fables, so that future generations might finally learn of the most life-changing fables ever recorded.
Some of the stories in Moderately Important Fables include:
- “The Penguin Who Was Kind of a Prick”
- “The Squid Who Finally Let His Libido Get the Best of Him”
- “The Dust Mite Who Regretted Getting a Tattoo”
- “The Pig Who Had an Unusual Addiction, Even for a Pig”
- “The Turtle Who Forgot to Refill His Anti-Depressants Prescription”
"Why should I support Moderately Important Fables on Kickstarter?"
Because of the following reasons:
- You enjoy humorous stories with talking animals.
- The great rewards, such as bookmarks, t-shirts, books, etc.
- It’s 3:00 am, you’re drunk, and this isn't the first time you've made an online purchase that you will later regret.
- You accidentally murdered a hobo last week, and you’re looking to assuage your guilt by donating to anonymous Kickstarter projects.
- You’re Donald Trump, and you’ve decided to donate all your money to the creative community because you just found out you have cancer.
- You’re in the mafia, author Ryan Shattuck is also in the mafia, and this Kickstarter project is simply an elaborate money-laundering scheme.
- Did somebody say bookmarks?!?!?!?!
"What will author Ryan Shattuck do with the funds?"
He will use the money to distribute and market Moderately Important Fables. Self-publishing is neither easy nor inexpensive, and many bookstores will only carry independent, self-published books if you first provide them with a copy. Thus, if you want to sell a 100 copies, you must first buy a 100 copies to give to bookstores. Moderately Important Fables is being published through Lulu.com, and the remaining funds will go towards purchasing a marketing and distribution package from Lulu.
Also, Ryan Shattuck wildly underestimated how expensive it would be to keep hundreds of feral cats in his basement.
"When will Moderately Important Fables be released?"
"Why are my parents getting a divorce?"
Because you ask too many questions, Johnny.