A ludicrously useful survival guide to the improbable and amazing. 24 articles (150-page $3 ebook) on handling life's bizarre scenarios
Our world is a strange, dangerous place. You never know when walking out your front door if you'll end up falling down a manhole and facing sewer cannibals, or if that nice waitress is actually a former alt-country star who gave up glamor for slinging Slams after too many rum Icees led to crashing her tour moped into a line of Shriners.
You've got to be prepared for any crazy situation you might never find yourself in! I mean, you won't be in them, probably. But... what happens if you do experience the unusual or wildly unlikely? Wouldn't it be great to have read an informative article that told you, say, What You DON'T Want to See When Your Life Flashes Before Your Eyes, or Things to Consider When Planning Your Self-Guided Tour of Earth's Past? Then you'd have some background, some semblance of a plan to attack the situation, be it survival or just practicing proper etiquette!
That's what How To Win a Fight With a Polar Bear: Round One is here to offer - a funny look at the world around us and ways we might interact with it even when the ludicrous nature of a dilemma prevents us from using common-sense tips and tricks for handling everyday issues, like those found in Suspicious Job Listings to Avoid When Shopping Online for an Exotic New Career. An informed reader is a wary one, ready to snap into action and take the world to the ground in a leglock.
With this handy ebook or slim paperback on you at all times, how can you lose?
Because democratizing creative endeavors and successes rules. I've watched it grow from the beginning, amazed by its ability to bring together creators and fans into a symbiosis that puts photosynthesis to shame. (Sorry, flora. Just a joke, please don't make me write an article about defending against mutagenic carnivorous vegetation running loose in the lab.)
I've seen it work, I've helped it work a few times, and I believe strongly in the idea - both Kickstarter, and How To Win a Fight With a Polar Bear. This is exactly the place to bring such a vital resource to the masses who need it.
A life-long desire to write things that people can read and enjoy just as much as I do when I create them.
I received the first "nouns" set of Rory's Story Cubes (http://www.storycubes.com/) as a present last Christmas from awesome and supportive friends. One day, while rolling these terrific little imagination charms, I was struck full-blown by the entire concept for How To Win a Fight With a Polar Bear, like seeing gold in the grass. A ludicrously useful guide to the improbable and amazing was born with that roll of the dice.
I knew this book needed to exist. Words would be written to reveal how bizarre and common the link between mundane and amazing really is, and how preparing for unthinkable events isn't as crazy as it sounds.
But man, can it be unexpectedly funny.
And You Are Who, Exactly?
I'm the guy who wrote the following excerpt for this book:
"Step Zero: Don’t Ever Fight a Polar Bear
This should be job one. I mean, it is an extraordinarily bad idea. I don’t... Why would you even consider it? Okay, maybe if you’re on an expedition to stop, say, Arctic Nazis from completing a secret underground lab deep in the savage wilds of the Yukon, and you get separated from the rest of your squad and run into one of these Coca-Cola-lovin’ locals eager to bite you in two - but why did you even go outside when it’s that cold? Fingers snap off when frostbitten badly enough! If it’s the choice between a glacier-based Death Ray and ending up as Nanook’s Manburger Helper, I’ll take my chances with death from above.
But if you inexplicably ignore this step, or find yourself lost out on the tundra after the cruise ship’s day-tour boat sinks following the walrus attack and strands you alone in the snow-"
Clearly, I need help spreading the vital knowledge of what to do in crazy situations where the handy and accurate tips and tricks probably won't really save you, but then again might. Maybe? If you're really lucky?
Yes! And that's me - the guy with the guidebook who needs your help spreading that luck. I know I'd feel bad if, at the next Scout meeting, little Timmy was traumatized because no one knew the Three Things You Should Never Repeat in Front of Your Loudmouth Parrot. Poor, confused, dumb Timmy.
Where Does the Money Go?
Production costs and reward fulfillment; survival; editing/proofing/artwork/every other little detail; building a sustainable creative enterprise. If I meet my goals, HTWAFWAPB keeps coming back, better every time.
It will also enable me to interact with fans to build a community that likes funny and weird things and wasting time reading/viewing them online.
What's After Kickstarter?
The book will be sold at major ebook retailers through Smashwords and Amazon; this Kickstarter gets the book finished and ready for release. And in return you get a unique, weird, hilarious book you're not going to find anywhere else, for a lower price. Win-win!
Why I Can Make This Happen
I've been writing since I was a child reading the Swiss Family Robinson (of all things) for the hundredth time as a boy eager to escape into story. My journey through life has been fractured and frustrating, ridiculous and hilarious. My biting yet somber sense of humor is as tilted as my personal perspective, and my passion for making people laugh long enough to forget how precarious life can be - by reminding them how precarious life can be - is strong and unyielding. (Like that stopped cement truck up ahead. Stop surfing Kickstarter while driving!)
Reading this page, you've gotten a good taste of my style. Trust me, it's worth the three bones to read a 25-article collection of amusing essays on your phone to distract you from that screaming baby in the checkout line, so pick one up today and save your sanity, if not your life!
Risks and challenges Learn about accountability on Kickstarter
The essays are nearly finished - this is no planned concept, but a work-in-progress rapidly nearing completion (all articles referenced above already exist). Production and reward fulfillment are nested to feed each other to enable easier product creation and make for happy backers.
Reliable, economical printers for physical copies and rewards have been selected. The timetable is set and ticking for finishing How To Win a Fight With a Polar Bear: Round One on time (scheduled to wrap up and enter proofing/editing by September 2013).
You can make that happen. Or, you can continue to just let people face the horrors and stress described in the video, ignorant of the help I can offer. One innocent aided is one more than before. Be that hero. Make the pledge.
Bring How To Win a Fight With a Polar Bear: Round One to life!
Yes. If I raise one cent less than the goal, the project will be unfunded and I will be a sad panda (as will all the surviving family members whose loved ones aren't protected by my book's advice on handling bears).
Shipping expenses. The ability to open up pledges to my friends beyond the border rests on the success of the project, so please share it with all of your Yankee imperialist friends online to make it possible!
Here you go!
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/polarbearfighter/how-to-win-a-fight-with-a-polar-bear-round-one/posts/527928 (or click 'Updates' at the top of this page)
> Great Eats in Some of the Most Extreme Places Humans Call Home
> Hey Kids! Fight Back Against the Nazis Hiding in Your Backyard Treehouses!
> Serving Suggestions for the Most Expensive Dinner on Earth
> The Potentially Tragic Consequences of Product Mislabeling
> The Top Four Board Games for Aggravating Severe Mental Disorders
> What to Do When the Call is Coming from Inside the House
> What to Bring to the Doomsday Shelter Housewarming Party
> Three Everyday Methods of Travel Way More Dangerous Than Flying to Shut the Guy Up in the Next Aisle Still Panicking About the Turbulence
> Three Things You Should Never Repeat in Front of Your Loudmouth Parrot
> The Do's and Don'ts of Questioning Your Cult's Troubling New Direction
> How to Survive a Deadly Underground High-Stakes Seafood-Eating Competition
> Six Quick Tips for What NOT to Do When You're on Fire
> How to Make a Water Landing With No Experience When the Wings Are On Fire
> How To Win a Fight With a Polar Bear
> How to Prepare for an Alien Invasion for Under Fifty Bucks
> Suspicious Job Listings to Avoid When Shopping Online for an Exotic New Career
> Things to Consider When Planning Your Self-Guided Tour of Earth's Past
> What You DON'T Want to See When Your Life Flashes Before Your Eyes
> Interior Design fer Pirates - How to Make Yer Ship the Toast of the Seven Seas
What were those URLs for your Twitter and Facebook again so I can see those free amusing tweets/photo memes?
Due diligence: the polar bear logo was created from the Creative Commons source image below:
This [underlying source] file is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license. (Thanks, Wikimedia Commons user "Quadell"!)
There are a million ways to describe How To Win a Fight With a Polar Bear: Round One, but the best descriptor of them all? #fun!
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NEAR MISS - Access to both project updates and the eternal gratitude of the author, in those rare spare moments between dodging polar bears / preparing for the end of the world / recounting my meds to ensure I didn't overdose on oh my goodness what's happening I don't evenEstimated delivery:
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FLESH WOUND - The HTWAFWAPB "early bear" Kickstarter ebook special - 99 pennies less than the future retail ebook price of 3.99 for the premier quasi-scholarly advice journal on ursine defense and not-at-all-related topics. Enough to buy that last bolt necessary for ensuring the master's doomsday device doesn't overheat again, and available in a wide variety of DRM-free common formats (the ebook, not the device).Estimated delivery:
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THAT STINGS - Above tiers, plus a digital image collection of the project's month-long Facebook meme campaign, plus YOUR NAME IN LIGHTS... in my mind, as I type it along with the rest of the backers at this level into the thank-you section of the release version of the book, expending energy collected from fuel created by the actual light of the sun preventing me from collapsing at my desk a desiccated overexplaining husk.Estimated delivery:
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STRIKING DISTANCE - Above tiers, plus an unsigned physical trade paperback copy shipped direct from the good people at The Book Patch (http://www.thebookpatch.com). Guaranteed to make those nights spent hiding out in a cramped hut in the middle of the jungle to evade a crazed ex-guerilla contract killer who mistook you for her deep-cover-spy mailman go by a little easier (unless she hears you laughing, but hey that's why you've got the book, maybe it'll help). NOTE: CURRENTLY SHIPS ONLY WITHIN THE U.S.Estimated delivery:Ships within the US only
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LOADED FOR BEAR - Above tiers, with your physical copy now featuring a random (and with luck amusing) personalized signature from the sleep-deprived author. Also includes a unique, Kickstarter-exclusive, high-quality, <insert new appealing adjective here>, custom HTWAFWAPB bookmark created for this project and to be printed by the earnest printer wizards at Overnight Prints (http://www.overnightprints.com/). NOTE: CURRENTLY SHIPS ONLY WITHIN THE U.S.Estimated delivery:Ships within the US only
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SECOND WAVE - Share helpful tips with a buddy/loved one/the guard you're chained to as you run for your lives! Double the LOADED FOR BEAR tier, including 2 uniquely-signed tomes, 2 bookmarks, and the lasting bond of being recorded together for posterity (if you choose to immortalize your friendship as a team) in the acknowledgments. Also good for dedications and calling doom down upon your mortal enemies (not recommended for members of the witness protection program). NOTE: CURRENTLY SHIPS ONLY WITHIN THE U.S.Estimated delivery:Ships within the US only
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2 backers Limited (3 left of 5)
GO FOR THE EYES - Tiers LOADED FOR BEAR and below (including SECOND WAVE) - eternal thanks and updates, DRMless ebook, meme digital image collection, your name in the book as a patron, 2 signed books, 2 bookmarks - and now introducing new challenger 4x6 custom HTWAFWAPB "sage advice" magnet! AND NOW ENTERING THE RING, backers in this tier get their name/job/location somehow referenced in an upcoming article for the book's sequel, How To Win a Fight With a Polar Bear: Round Two! (Limited to 5 backers) NOTE: CURRENTLY SHIPS ONLY WITHIN THE U.S.Estimated delivery:Ships within the US only
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THINGS JUST GOT REAL PEOPLE - Everything from the GO FOR THE EYES tier and below (including SECOND WAVE), but hold on wait for it if you pull the ripcord too soon you'll like shred the chute or something - instead of being name-dropped in a future article, backers get to suggest a (general, PG-13, copyright-released, probably-spun-into-a-wildly-divergent-tangent) topic for Round Two that I will then be forced under threat of the lash to find a way to make funny! (Limited to 5 backers) NOTE: CURRENTLY SHIPS ONLY WITHIN THE U.S.Estimated delivery:Ships within the US only
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DON'T RUN YOU'LL JUST MAKE IT ANGRIER - The above tiers (including SECOND WAVE), your choice of a namedrop OR an article topic suggestion, PLUS a 1-of-18 unique Rory's Story Cube (http://www.storycubes.com/) actually used during my creative process while writing Round One, sterilized for your paranoid convenience and accompanied by a note detailing which Round One story the cube inspired. (LIMITED TO 15 BACKERS ONLY! Cubes will be chosen at random; they're all like my children, so each one will be a treasure.) NOTE: CURRENTLY SHIPS ONLY WITHIN THE U.S.Estimated delivery:Ships within the US only
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CRITICAL HIT! 9999 DAMAGE - (See related future article, How To Have it All on Kickstarter By Giving Back, coming someday if this takes off) YE THREE BACKERS get everything from the tiers below, including both a reference in a future article AND the chance to suggest an article for Round Two - in a one-hour phone/Skype session with the author (when the doctors permit) wherein you and I roll story cubes and create the idea together, with the backer getting shared credit for the idea in Round Two. In addition, advance personalized signed copies of Round Two and one complete 9-dice set of one of the three new Rory's Story cubes sets I'll be using in its production, to be delivered two weeks before it releases to the public (LIMITED TO THREE BACKERS, the only people on the planet who will have an advance copy, giving them an instant advantage when the zombie coal miners finally rise from beneath the Earth). NOTE: CURRENTLY SHIPS ONLY WITHIN THE U.S.Estimated delivery:Ships within the US only
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Being completely serious now: you pledge whatever amount is needed if HTWAFWAPB is in danger of falling short of its goal (one-quarter production costs for a twice-a-year continuing series). You do this because you are amazing and like myself recognize the value in absurdity. And you do all of this without need for reward except undying honor and awe (because let's face it, I gave away all the cool stuff already - did you see the Story Cubes tiers above?) I guess I could give you everything else that's not spoken for, and this signed "dust jacket" cover from the Kickstarter video... and the guidebook underneath it, 1957's Nature's Guardians: Your Career in Conservation, which I had planned on using as a notes journal during production of Round Two... I mean, if you want them. Or I could keep it until Round Two is done, and give it you then? Hey, it's your beneficence shading me toward the glory of FUNDING COMPLETE, you let me know! (LIMITED TO ONE BACKER!) NOTE: CURRENTLY SHIPS ONLY WITHIN THE U.S.Estimated delivery:Ships within the US only
- (30 days)