So I thought I should do a final update and close the curtains on this thing. It’s sort of finished, but then it’s not really because I’ve got to meet some people for a pint in five years time. 11pm on Wednesday 16th September 2020 is when the project is really completed.
The main thing I want to say is thanks. In July last year I set out to crowd fund a book. I made a rap video, came up with some rewards and stuck this thing up on the internet. To say I was overwhelmed by the response would be an understatement. The project funded in nine twatting hours! I know it’s a cheesy line, but I couldn’t have done any of this without you guys, the backers. Please give yourselves a pat on the back because collectively you made the most funded UK publishing project on Kickstarter, ever. Thats the thing I like about crowdfunding, instead of just putting a book out and saying “hey, buy my fucking book”, you get a load of people who believe in your thing to invest their own cash and become personally involved in the project. If someone said to me, "Who are the most important/intelligent/influential people alive in the world today" I would simply point them in the direction of the Hall Of Twats.
There are a lot of numbers of things when you do a kickstarter. I’ve signed 2,433 books, told 307 people to fuck off on the internet, trolled 20 people, sent 157 Hate Mails, drawn 23 Queen Elizabeth II's in sexually provocative poses, abused 5 people by telephone, got drunk with 20 people on a train, sent 20 rude Christmas cards, talked at 7 companies, done 5 peoples washing up and been on 3 dates in Wetherspoons.
I learnt quite a lot of stuff from doing this project, I learnt how to rap, how to make a rap video, how to make a book and I cemented what I already knew: I have no fucking idea about numbers and business and probably never will. That’s why I don’t go to work in a suit.
So what did I do with all that scrilla*? I know a lot of you think I made £100,000 profit and spent the rest of the year lying around on beaches laughing at all the mugs who threw money at me. I wish that was the case but sadly, business and the real world doesn’t work like that. The truth is I pumped almost all of the money back into the project. I doubled the print run of the book, I threw a lot of extra money at getting exactly the right paper so the book could be delivered on time (well almost!) and made a beautiful die cut ‘Up Yours’ bookmark. I also spent over £20,000 posting the fucking things. This isn’t meant to be ‘oh, poor me, I ended up broke’ by the way, I mean I’m doing ok, I’m still washing my balls with Aēsop, it’s just helpful to give you an honest breakdown of what happens to the money a kickstarter earns. I also believe in doing things fairly, so as soon as the money started going crazy I made sure everyone involved got paid. Especially people who had originally donated stuff for free, like Eli Sostre, the producer from Brooklyn who gave me the beat for the rap, just because he’s a nice guy. I sent him some money as a gesture. I also gave a third of the true profits to Youth Music.
So what have I learnt from all of this? Well it’s really restored my faith in the general public. I put a lot of really daft rewards up for sale for this project and people actually bought them, proving that humans are a lot more fun and willing to engage with stupid stuff than I thought. This bodes well for my future.
Finally, I just want to remind you all that the book is available to buy here! Buy another one, buy one for your mum, buy one and give it to a stranger in a public toilet, buy one for your fucking dog. BUY ONE.
I’ve got no idea what I’m going to do now, but hopefully I’ll come up with something else ridiculous that you can all get behind again and we can make some more cool stuff. For now, I bid you farewell...
All my Fucks,
p.s. Now I know out of the 3,752 backers, there’ll still be 30 of you who still haven’t received your reward. This is due to something known as 'Natural fuck ups'. If that’s you, and you’re reading this, please send me a private message on here rather than leaving an angry comment below this post. It’s nicer and I’m much more likely to sort it out.
*Scrilla is an urban term for money.