€2,907
pledged of €9,666pledged of €9,666 goal
47
backers
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Funding Unsuccessful
The project's funding goal was not reached on Sat, July 23 2016 4:32 PM UTC +00:00
Carl BegaiBy Carl Begai
First created
Carl BegaiBy Carl Begai
First created
€2,907
pledged of €9,666pledged of €9,666 goal
47
backers
0seconds to go
Funding Unsuccessful
The project's funding goal was not reached on Sat, July 23 2016 4:32 PM UTC +00:00

About

Welcome to a crowdfunding page where you exchange money for something that, I suppose, is considered art. That's the plan, anyway.

And since you're reading this, chances are you either know me personally or somebody I consider a friend put you up to checking out this page. So, thanks for your time. I've had this book burning a hole in my brain for quite some time and the events of real life make it difficult to save enough money to publish it without outside help. That's where you come in. 

Rather than trying to hash out an overview of the book I've included the book's prologue below. If it piques your curiosity or makes you ask yourself "What is this guy on and where can I get some?" I'd suggest buying a copy. You might regret it in the end, but I promise you'll be amused on your way to the final chapter. If, however, the tone of the text you're currently reading annoys you I'd suggest keeping your money and spending it on something nice for your favourite husband / wife / pet / bartender, as my book reads the same way.

It's suggested that before purchasing a copy of Grim - My Way To Hell (or better yet, multiple copies) that you have a strong grasp of the English language. Not only will it make interpreting this morbid tale of good and evil easier to understand, you'll be able to dissect and rip apart sentences or entire paragraphs where I've turned my mother tongue into a car crash of prose (send complaints to carl@carlbegai.com). You should also check to make sure your sense of humour is packed for the journey, as there are a few passages packed within the tome's pages that are meant to make you guffaw, snort, or at least crack a smile. If you happen to laugh and fart at the same time my mission with regards to keeping things amusing (particularly for other people in the room with you) has been accomplished. 

With regards to the dollar / euro cost attached to his project, the money raised with this campaign will be directed to the initial self-publishing start-up fee, production costs for the physical books, the cover artwork, future promotion (online advertisements over several months), and of course the reward items attached to the donations. If the campaign is a success and the funds are available in the aftermath, there will be a video trailer created for the official book release. 

 Thanks for reading and stay tuned for updates, eh.

PROLOGUE

  Do me a favour; next time the words I’d sell my soul… cross your mind, don’t say them out loud. Seriously. Just don’t.

 It’s not that I don’t understand the desperation that comes along with wanting to bang that hot piece of ass on the other side of the bar, or needing to own that kick-ass never-in-a-million-years-could-you-afford-it new car, or wanting that gazillion dollar payday. Been there, done that. I get it.

 I honestly don’t give a damn about you risking an all expense paid trip to Hell, but when you utter those words it’s like a dog whistle for the folks I answer to, and it’s a lot of work doing the follow-up.

 I have nothing against hard work, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that I like having time to worry about my own so-called life, which is pretty hard to do when I wake up to an inbox choked with “assignments” that have to be taken care of now now now. And, in all honesty, from what I’ve seen it’s not really worth the hassle yanking on that wishbone. Getting pulled or pounded in bed, regardless of your sexual preference, is all the same in the end – no pun intended – and that badass car is going to end up costing you more that it’s worth, especially if the damn parts have to be imported.

 For the record, I’m not one of the idiots that bargained his immortal soul away for an otherwise impossible fix. Nope. I ended up with this tour of duty because the guy that had this job before me screwed up in monumental fashion. Yet, when all was said and done, somehow I ended up paying for his mistake. And I’m still paying for it.

 I’m what’s known in the circles I travel these days as a Grim. Nifty little title dreamed up by some douche-nozzle in Hell's mail room because he thought it was appropriate given the job description. Which, simply put, is me sending morons like you to the Beelzebub Bed & Breakfast because you want that pot of gold that's supposedly sitting at the end of the rainbow.

 Guaranteed, when you run off at the mouth about giving it all up for Just That One Thing, it eventually gets filtered my way if you happen to live / work / play in my stomping ground. I end up with a damn text telling me some pinhead has won the lottery. In all fairness, I should point out that all variations of “I’d sell my soul for… / I’d give anything to be able to…” are accepted, so don’t bother splitting hairs when you finally meet the Happy Hellions that sent me after you. Any comment about giving or lending or pimping or bartering your soul will get you a one-way trip to Hell courtesy of the Grim. 

 Sorry, I don’t make the rules. Just doing my job. 

 And who are these Lords and Ladies of doom, gloom, fashion faux-pas (plural), and righteous suffering? There are a bunch of ‘em – Lucifer, Thanatos, Yama, Pesta, Eugene, a sweet little psycho bitch name Penelope, and of course Stan (real name Satan, but he lost a bet; not something he likes publicized) – but it’s really any high profile demonic sort that happens to have the shelf space for your spiritual energy, or whatever the heck you wanna call it, that’ll welcome you with open arms. They used to do the whole sign-on-the-dotted-line thing themselves, but when the world started getting uglier a few thousand years ago they embraced the whole idea of outsourcing. 

 Lucky me. 

 Actually, you should count yourselves lucky, because I’m one of the nice guys. I shower every day, I’m punctual, I grill a mean jerk chicken, and nine times out of ten I make sure you don’t know what hit you when I finally send you on your way. There are other Grim that don’t share my scruples about making you kick and scream on the way down. 

 Now, those of you paying attention are questioning the high level of bullshit you’re currently wading through, because we all know there’s no such thing as selling one’s soul for a new and improved life. Of course there’s not. 

 And the Devil sure as shit isn’t listening in on our conversations. He / she / it doesn’t really exist, anyway. It’s all Hollywood smoke and mirrors.

 Well, I’ll let you in on a little secret; Pacino didn’t need to rehearse his role for The Devil’s Advocate. Same goes for Elizabeth Hurley in Bedazzled. And if the world is willing to believe in the legends and lore of a supernatural dude that looked like the Unabomber turning water to wine – moronic “my-god-is-better-than-your-god” religious wars and cultural differences notwithstanding – you can sure as shit bet on Hell being wired into your world tighter than Bret Michaels’ bandanna is to his skull. 

 Or, put it this way: that song with the lines “He knows if you’ve been bad or good / So be good for goodness sake” wasn’t originally written for Santa Claus. 

 Bottom line is they know when you’re serious they’ll call you on it. If all goes according to plan… bang, you’re dead. Your physical body is, at any rate. They’ll live up to their part of whatever bargain you hash out, but it’ll be on their terms starting with wiping out the life you were living before you decided to cut corners. Food for thought, eh? 

 Which brings me to the point of all this… 

 My job is to get into your life, earn your trust, and send you on your way once you’ve been reeled in. That’s what the general idea is, anyway, but over the last little while I’ve been ignoring that part of my job description whenever possible. Things would be way fricking easier if they’d just give me a gun or let me push you into the path of an oncoming bus, but no, for all their divine boogeyman powers, The Unholy are squeamish about making a mess. They hate drawing attention to themselves. Of course, it’s me puncturing arteries and slitting throats, so they’ve got very little to do with it beyond holding my Get Out Of Jail Free card for ransom. 

 I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve enjoyed the After view of my dinner on a given night. 

 You’d think musicians and actors would be the most common clients / victims. Nope. It’s the mid-life crisis dudes and image-obsessed women that take up most of my working hours; the whiniest and laziest assholes you never want to meet, trust me. And teenagers… pfffffff… you’d swear they buy varying shades of stupid off the rack at Hot Topic to match their fucking iGadgets. It’s those moments, when I’m seriously considering giving Junior his first and last skydiving lesson off the CN Tower, that I beg for some washed-up coked-up screwed-up over-the-hill glam rock reject to put in a call for a better tomorrow. 

 So yeah, it’s a grim job indeed. But, nine more kills and I’m done. Then it’s back to real life. 

 Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to see an idiot three blocks over about a soul… 

 

Risks and challenges

One thing I've learned as a writer in the music business is that nothing ever goes as planned. That goes without saying with regards to a project of this nature.

There is, of course, a question as to why people should trust in backing this project in the first place. A more detailed description is available in the "About You" section, but with 23 years as a journalist in the music business writing isn't merely my job, it's a craft that I've gotten quite good at. Additionally, I'm well versed in the art of promotion as a result of my experience, meaning the book will be given as much of an in-your-face online / media presence as my budget will allow.

For all intents and purposes, if this project gets off the ground the book will be released in October 2016. At the time of this writing (June 2016) the first steps were taken for the initial promotion so that if I'm able to move forward things will begin within days of the Kickstarter campaign ending. But, I will be at the mercy of the independent publisher's printing schedule as well as any postal / shipping issues that may crop up.

Should there be some sort of production or shipping delay, I will keep folks updated via this page, social media (Facebook, Twitter) and the book's official website as to new timelines or additional issues.

I will also welcome and encourage person-to-person contact via email if any printing errors or shipping screw-ups should occur.

Fingers crossed for things to move forward with as little interference as possible.

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Support

  1. Select this reward

    Pledge €1 or more About $1.14

    Thanks, eh!

    ● My eternal gratitude. It'll make you feel warm and fuzzy inside. Great on a cold night.

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    Gimmie Five

    ● My eternal gratitude and your name on a list of cool people found on the Grim page at carlbegai.com. You’ll be online for eternity… unless of course I hit delete in a fit of uncoordinated computering.

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    Tenbucks

    ● A digital copy of Grim - My Way To Hell sent as a .pdf file to your address. I'll do my best to make it look as spiffy as possible.

    It will come with a personal message typed by me, most likely thanking you for using your computer wisely.

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    Pledge €15 or more About $17

    USB Cool

    ● A digital copy of Grim - My Way To Hell stored and sent on an official Grim cover art logo wooden cross-shaped USB stick. These items are unique to this campaign and will not be available once it has concluded

    Your name will be included in the list of awesome humans at the back of the book that helped me out.

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    Pledge €20 or more About $23

    Twennybucks

    Twennybucks

    ● A signed copy of Grim - My Way To Hell - by me, myself and I - personalised as you wish.

    If there's no specific request, I'll just sign it "To (your name), thanks for giving up your pub money."

    ● An official limited edition Grim - My Way To Hell logo sticker for decorating your fridge, school notebook, iPad, the cat.... the possibilities are endless.

    Your name will be included in the list of awesome humans at the back of the book that helped me out. I will make a point of spelling it correctly.

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    Pledge €35 or more About $40

    Holy Hell Early Bird Special #666

    ● Not one, but two signed copy of Grim - My Way To Hell. Both will be signed by me, personalised as you wish by the trained monkey currently hiding in the office

    Your name will be included in the list of awesome humans at the back of the book that donated to the cause.

    ● A portrait / caricature of you drawn by me on a fresh sheet of white A4 blank paper. It will be drawn with the greatest of care, but I have zero talent as an artist so you should be prepared for the possibility that even though you think you look like Angelina Jolie, the portrait may be closer to Mr. Bean or Sloth from The Goonies.

    No risk, no fun I suppose. At least you can say you own two original works by Carl Begai.

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    Pledge €50 or more About $57

    Holy Shirt!

    ● One physical copy of Grim - My Way To Hell, signed by me and personalised as you wish...

    …OR...

    ● The book stored and sent on an official Grim cover art logo wooden cross-shaped USB stick. Your choice.

    Note that the USB sticks are unique to this campaign and will not be available once it has concluded

    ● An official Grim - My Way To Hell logo t-shirt. These are limited to this campaign and will not be produced again.

    Your name will be included in the list of awesome humans at the back of the book that made this madness possible.

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    Pledge €75 or more About $85

    What's Under The Hood?

    ● One physical copy of Grim - My Way To Hell, signed by me and personalised as you wish.

    ● The book stored and sent on an official Grim cover art logo wooden cross-shaped USB stick. These items are unique to this campaign and will not be available once it has concluded.

    ● One Grim - My Way To Hell hoodie, pocket print logo on the front and a logo on the back. These are limited to this campaign and will not be produced again.

    Your name will be included in the list of awesome humans at the back of the book that had the stones to take part in this project.

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    Pledge €100 or more About $114

    Capping It Off...

    ● One physical copy of Grim - My Way To Hell, signed by me and personalised as you wish.

    ● A digital copy of Grim - My Way To Hell stored and sent on an official Grim cover art logo wooden cross-shaped USB stick. These items are unique to this campaign and will not be available once it has concluded.

    ● An official Grim - My Way To Hell logo t-shirt. These are limited to this campaign and will not be produced again.

    ● An official Grim - My Way To Hell logo baseball cap. These are limited to this campaign and will not be produced again.

    Your name will be included in the list of awesome humans at the back of the book that had the stones to take part in this project.

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  10. Select this reward

    Pledge €250 or more About $284

    Now Hear This!

    ● One physical copy of Grim - My Way To Hell - signed by me and personalised as you wish.

    ● An audio version of the complete book, read by me, sent and stored on a cover art logo USB stick (barring any memory capacity issues). Alternatively it would be sent via audio file in the format of your choice. I'm tempted to make some smart-ass remark about you having to put up with scattered ambient noises and assorted background nonsense picked up during the recording, but given the cost attached to this package I'll refrain from doing so.

    As the audio recordings will take place over more than one session, every effort will be made to keep voice / sound levels consistent. Recording will take place in a proper environment for a project of this nature. That said, the audio portion of this package will be delivered by December 2016 rather than October 2016 in the interest of honouring all reward campaign commitments.

    Your name will be included in the list of awesome humans at the back of the book that gave up their grocery money to support this project.

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    Pledge €350 or more About $398

    Tell Me A Story

    ● One physical copy of Grim - My Way To Hell - signed by me and personalised as you wish.

    ● An exclusive short story written by me for you, a family member, a significant other doing time in prison, or the crazy cat lady down the street. The subject of the story is your choice, but I should caution you that I will not write romantic or pornographic material; the former because I suck at it, the latter because I know nothing about sex. The story will be no more than 25 pages and no less than 15. It will be sent to you in digital format. Let me know if you want it on one of those nifty limited edition cross USB sticks.

    Note that in the interest of honouring all reward campaign commitments and creating a story for you that isn't a cookie-cutter throwaway fluff piece, this portion of the package will be delivered by December 2016 rather than October 2016

    And yes, I'll stick your name in the back of Grim - My Way To Hell to say thanks as well.

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Funding period

- (30 days)