“Shirtless, take down that door.”
The barbarian frowned, his glorious face framed by gorgeous curly locks. Then he shook his head, looking down at Shea with the eyes of a doe.
“Nope. Not going to break down that door, Shea. It’s not nice. Someone’s going to have to fix it. They’ll have to come in on their day off and re-bolt it into the wall instead of playing with their kid, like they promised to do. But work never ends does it? Not when adventurers are around. Sorry, Shea. I can’t have that on my conscience.”
Every fantasy adventure story has heroes, but not this one. Goddamn F*cking Dragons is the kind of story that actually gets played out in fantasy tabletop roleplaying games, as opposed to the ones you read in typical fantasy novels. Yes, RPGs like Dungeons & Dragons, Dungeon World, The One Ring, and Dragon Age are designed for heroic play. Characters are supposed to bravely risk their fates to dive deep into dungeons for loot and glory. But once the Mountain Dew is opened, the snacks start flowing, and the fourth hour of dice chucking begins, "heroism" takes on a different note.
This is a book about terrible people on an epic quest who solve problems by dropping f-bombs with their fireballs. At last, we can be honest about the type of stories we like to play out. The stories that murder hobos make.
Shea Lark: The group's frustrated and reluctant leader who spends more time looking at her companions with contempt and disbelief than leading, but she's good with a sword.
Tinaris: The wizard elf who knows a thing or two and will step up and save his friends (if it means his clothes will stay clean).
Ruby: The devout cleric--and gnome. Gloriously brave and the moral center of the group. Which--uh, explains a lot actually.
Tooth: The human rogue, ruthless with their tongue and blades. They don't take anything from anyone. Especially Shea.
Shirtless: Everyone loves the barbarian. He's such a cuddle bug. And ruthlessly devoted to his lifelong-love, Ruby.
That's our intrepid party. And they are cast out upon an adventure of their lives--well not really. They are reluctantly forced to go on yet another quest because a monastery in the distant and dangerous Mountains of Confrontation is under ruthless attack by dragons. It's not the sort of plot hook they'd usually grab. However, when a group of real heroic adventures, led by the angelically beautiful paladin Garibold Fairheart, sets out on the quest, they have no choice. Now it's a competition between the ne'er-do-wells and the uptight jerkwads, and so they have to succeed.
There's an ornery dragon out there--who'll get there first?
This novel is a tribute to all of the amazing fun I've had over the years playing fantasy tabletop roleplaying games like Dungeons & Dragons. As a fan and game developer, I've spent many a fantastic hour with wonderfully creative people playing out absurd stories with kick-ass characters.
We have countless fantasy novels that set in these worlds telling heroic and sometimes tragic stories. They are wonderful, and often timeless, and I've been lost in many of them over the years. However, apart from podcasts and comics, there isn't much fiction out there that tells the stories in the way that we actually play them at a table. This book does that. It hits on every trope, hugs every gamer experience, and irreverently tackles fantasy world problems with an unabashedly crass modern point of view. And it was deliciously fun to write.
I'm a tabletop RPG game designer with two successful Kickstarters under my belt. I had planned on doing a Kickstarter for this book after a couple of other projects finished, however Kickstarter did their Break Kickstarter campaign, so I jumped on it.
I am raising funds specifically to pay the ENnie-nominated cover artist Rob Hebert, to hire an excellent editor, a sensitivity editor, and to take the book to market. I am a publisher with more than 12 books under my belt and an accomplished layout and designer, so I am really only looking for editing and art.
The book is in its first draft, I just need to polish it for publishing and distribution.
Okay, so this is how it's going to work: I will use campaign updates to post a word of the manuscript for every dollar raised on a daily basis. Only backers will get to see it and you will only get to see words up to the amount raised that day.
You will see the unedited, un-proofed, stream of consciousness novel that exists right now. Not only will you get to see what you are investing in, you will get to see WHY you have to invest in it. I mean to say: it really, really needs an editor.
Editor: Lauren McManamon
Lauren (she/they) is a queer RPG designer and editor with a renowned history for spinning tales of high fantasy bulls*it. She worked with Christopher Grey as an editor on The Great American Novel, and has edited other TTRPGs such as The Veil: Cascade and Hack the Planet by Fraser Simons, and Good Society: A Jane Austen RPG and its expansions by the Storybrewers. Her alignment is chaotic awesome (Twitter: @thestraykiwi and website: thestraykiwi.com).
Cover Artist: Robert Hebert
Rob Hebert, an ENnie Award-nominated artist, lawyer, audio producer, and game designer. He lives in Long Beach, California with his wife Chelsea, and their two dogs. He likes spooky stuff, whimsy, and seafood.
I am a tabletop roleplaying game designer, publisher, author, and marketer. My work spans from fantasy and science fiction, to alternative history, supernatural, and conspiracies. I successfully Kickstarted and fulfilled The Happiest Apocalypse on Earth, a satirical horror Powered by the Apocalypse game which was nominated for the 2018 ENnie Awards for Game of the Year and for Best Interior Art (created by Robert Hebert), and The Great American Novel, an RPG framework that creates dramatic stories about character motivations which successfully Kickstarted and is on its way to fulfillment by November 2019 .
In addition to game design, I have published over a dozen books for both fiction and nonfiction authors under Pacific Coast Creative Publishing, as well as my own novel Will Shakespeare and the Ships of Solomon.
Risks and challenges
I've never Kickstarted a novel before and I don't know if it will have the same traction and behavior as an RPG Kickstarter, so this is uncharted territory. I am quite confident in my ability to publish the book, however and am looking forward to doing so.Learn about accountability on Kickstarter
- (30 days)