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Kids ask a lot of mind-numbingly dumb questions. This book gives them some even dumber answers.
Kids ask a lot of mind-numbingly dumb questions. This book gives them some even dumber answers.
129 backers pledged CA$ 5,201 to help bring this project to life.

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Dumb Answers to Kids' Questions

CA$ 5,201

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Chances are you've encountered a curious child before—tugging on the bottom of your shirt, looking up at you with wide eyes, eager to ask an adorably cute question. And chances are you've wanted that child to shut up.

That's because kids like these inevitable ask questions like“Where do babies come from?” “Why is the sky blue?” "How come buttholes smell like poop?" (okay, maybe not that last one). But in an age where there's Google, Siri, Alexa and Ask Jeeves (google it), why are these pint-sized dweebs still bothering you? 

That's why you need this book.

Dumb Answers to Kids’ Questions provides unexpectedly humorous and visual answers for adults to enjoy.

 If you’re thinking, “There's tons of books out there that've focused on the common questions that kids ask, so who cares", then you’re being a bit of a prick, but you're also right. The difference is none have poked fun at how mind-numbingly annoying these questions truly are. Dumb Answers to Kids’ Questions isn’t afraid to face this head on, with a combination of written and visual answers that will make parents laugh, and soon-to-be parents cry.

  • Professionally printed
  • Hardcover casebound
  • High-quality smyth-sewn pages
  • Layflat binding
  • No gutters on spreads
  • 104 pages 
  • 6 x 8 inches

I'm no Skeet Ulrich, but according to Google, I'm the second most famous "Pierre Chan". I'm also a Vancouver-based writer of grocery lists, craigslist posts, angry emails and one fart book—although my paycheque comes from being a writer at one of Canada's biggest ad agencies.  

Some of my work has been featured on:

Whether it's a digital book, hardcover book, signed book or even a personalized book with a character illustrated in your likeness, there's a book with your name on it—unless your name is Beyoncé. I highly doubt she's visiting my Kickstarter page. Below are some of the perks you can choose from, but make sure you check out the full list on the right side of the page.

What are you gonna do with my money?
All funds raised will go towards printing the books, shipping costs, and Kickstarter fees. I promise not to flee the country or make a cliché Nigerian Prince joke.  

When will I get my book?
Production time for printing takes about 8 weeks. Then the books have to be delivered to me before I can deliver them to you. So, you should get your book approximately 12 weeks after the Kickstarter ends. If I know you personally, you will get your book when I take you out for beers to thank you.

Why did you write this book?
I was bored.

Are you catfishing me?
No. But I have put on a few pounds and had over 37 haircuts since that profile picture. 

Who is your illustrator?
He's a very talented guy I work with named Scott Schneider. Not only is he an award-winning artist, but he also has award-worthy sperm. With four children, he's definitely heard his fair share of mind-numbingly annoying kids' questions.

Do you hate children?
No, I don't hate children. I hate puns, commercial airplane seats, oblivious telemarketers, bus passengers who don't wait for you to get out before they get in, proofreading text messages, the texture of velvet against the nap, skinny jeans on men, Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice, inconvenient stereotypes, SD TV, people who think having a Facebook account makes them a politician, and Oprah. 

Do you have any children? 
No.

Then what makes you qualified to write a book about children?
The same thing that makes me qualified to ask complete strangers to give me their money online.



Risks and challenges

- Postal strike
- Zombie apocalypse
- Y2K 2.0
- Trump vs Kim Jong-un
- Net neutrality

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  1. Select this reward

    Pledge CA$ 12 or more About US$ 9

    Digital Book

    Get a digital copy of Dumb Answers to Kids' Questions to enjoy on your phone, tablet, laptop, pager or fax machine.

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    Pledge CA$ 15 or more About US$ 11

    Digital Book with secret NSFW page

    If you secretly search for foot fetish videos, pictures of human feces, or Donald Trump gifs while at work, then this Reward is for you. It's a digital copy of Dumb Answers to Kids' Questions, except there's one special NSFW page for you to enjoy shamefully behind the walls of your office cubicle.

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    Pledge CA$ 28 or more About US$ 21

    Hardcover Book

    Slide a hardcover copy of Dumb Answers to Kids' Questions onto your bookcase—between Homer's Odyssey and Dostoyevsky's Crime & Punishment.

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    Pledge CA$ 32 or more About US$ 24

    Signed Hardcover Book

    Forget dabbling in the real estate game, because THIS is truly a great investment opportunity! Get a hardcover copy of the book, signed by the author and illustrator. Then, when we both die in the act of saving a school bus full of children, this book will almost uncertainly increase in value by ones of dollars.

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    Pledge CA$ 40 or more About US$ 30

    Signed Hardcover + Digital Book

    Read the book on paper pages like a middle-aged person, or in pixels like a Snapchatting millennial.

    Includes:
    • Signed Hardcover
    • Digital Book
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    Pledge CA$ 44 or more About US$ 33

    Signed Hardcover + NSFW Digital

    It's the better version of both—kinda like Kim instead of Khloe, and Serena instead of Venus.

    Get a hardcover copy of the book, signed by the author and illustrator, plus a digital copy of the book with a special NSFW page.

    Includes:
    • Signed Hardcover
    • Digital Book with secret NSFW page
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  7. Select this reward

    Pledge CA$ 55 or more About US$ 42

    2 Hardcover Books

    Get a copy for yourself, and one for that weird urine-scented man who screams gibberish on the bus and inevitably ends up sitting next to you.

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    Pledge CA$ 110 or more About US$ 83

    4 Hardcover Books

    Get a copy for yourself. Give one to a friend. Don't forget about that crazy dude on the bus. And slide one under the leg of your wobbly dining room table.

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    Pledge CA$ 125 or more About US$ 95

    Become a character in the digital book

    You might never be read about in history books as the inventor of the toothpick, but at least you'll be a weird character in an immature digital book. Purchase this Reward and you'll get a caricature illustrated in your likeness as a character in your personal copy of the digital book. You'll also receive a hard copy of the illustration to frame and put on display in your windowless office.

    Includes:
    • Personal Caricature
    • Digital Book with you as a character
    • Signed Hardcover
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    Pledge CA$ 275 or more About US$ 208

    Fahrenheit 451 Package

    In a near-future dystopian world—where censoring the greatest literary and cultural works of our time will become law—this stockpile of 10 hardcover copies of Dumb Answers to Kids' Questions will be a must have.

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Funding period

- (40 days)