Proper F*cking English - How to Swear Effectively in English

by Peter Nicholas Liptak

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      Tyus Beeson on

      I think that the introduction itself is brilliant, considering that profanity can often be described as dirty and vile language. I found, reading the message off a roll of toilet paper, to be an effective metaphor illustrating and highlighting the thematic purpose of the video. Furthermore, the fact that the scene is set in a bathroom stall, provides the audience with mild humor, helping to lure the viewers attention.

      Freedom of speech appears to be the main focus of "Proper Fucking English", which if that is the case, then I think you have a rich and powerful message here adhering to the importance behind that essential right. This message also comes at a perfect time, especially considering what is going on in society on a daily basis. I look forward to seeing this develop over time.

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About

Um Okay, how bad could it be?
Um Okay, how bad could it be?

Announcing the presidential candidacy of the Badass Book: 

PROPER FUCKING ENGLISH: A Devilishly-Fun, Free-Speech Manifesto on How to Swear Effectively in English 

(and How to Have a Fuck-Ton of Fun Doing It)  


I’m launching a book SO CONTROVERSIAL facebook won’t let me show you the damn cover!

I'm Pete Liptak... a poet & sometime linguist, I've written a shit-ton of award winning shit, including some banned shit. I was fed up all that puritanical, censured-to-shit, boring-ass shit about English that make librarians wanna become book burners (n' shit). 

So rather than just sitting around, bitching & moaning, I started writing a book to take a no-bullshit look at the more colorful side of shit for all you's mofos so you could have fun with English (maybe for the first time in your sorry-ass life) and learn a thing or two through a few fabulous four-fucking-letter words... shiiiit!

I believe in putting bad language to good use. And science agrees with me. 

[-- My name is Peter Liptak and I approve this message.]


OK, but why the fuck should I care? 

Well, the forthcoming long-ass ramble is going to give you a new perspective on foul language, help you support free speech in an increasingly-censured, Orwellian world and be funny as fuck to boot.

Alright, before you get your panties in a bunch, give this shit a chance... it's NEEDED!


Many people around the world struggle with swearing. ~ Mom's on their last legs, sailors with nothing to say, taxi drivers lost for words, politicians stuck with the self-censored plainness of polite expressions. Yes, even me at times (though rarely). 

These people need your help (and by these people, I mean YOU!): 

  • to break the taboo and navigate the intricacies of profanities
  • to enliven emotional discourse through obscenity (the hallmark of a colorful vocabulary)
  • to help emphasize a point (cause who doesn't listen when you raise the bar with blasphemy)
  • to make funnier jokes (yes, they are funnier... fucking hysterical, have you seen Richard Prior, Bill Burr, Eddie Murphy, Luis CK, or really any comedian other than Bill Cosby - and oh now we know what kind of guy he is)
  • to recognize when someone is shitting all over you (verbally, that is) and to respond accordingly
  • to come up with comebacks wittier than "I'm rubber, you're glue..." 
  • to deaden the pain with f-bombs whenever the need arises -- because science says so.
  • to heighten awareness with quickened pulses and sudden adrenalin surges (yep science again) 
  • to release pent up stress (from such occurrences as a funny-bone banging... or just banging) with a well placed "SHIT!" "Damn!" or the dual-use "Fuck me!" 
  • to keep your soul alive in this otherwise soul-sucking world

PLEASE help save these poor, profanity deprived, swear-less souls and buy this limited edition “UNCENSORED” beauty before the tyrant in charge takes away your free speech!


I’m launching a book SO CONTROVERSIAL facebook won’t let me show you the COVER (but Kickstarter will - thanks Kickstarter)!  

Mockup of Proper Fucking English and you. Reading - out in the open! Fucking Awesome!
Mockup of Proper Fucking English and you. Reading - out in the open! Fucking Awesome!

~ Oh the ^$@!#*&%^ Outrage!


So what can I possibly get from this shit? 

(Holy hell batman, that's a fuckload of bullets!... so many reasons to swear.)

  • Learn the 5 P’s of Profanity (the real reasons to swear): Pain Relief, Power & Pacifism, Psychological & Physiological Well-Being, Peer Bonding, & Expressive Punch. 
  • Be recognized as a true Master of Obscenity by your peers because you can back your four-letter litany while understanding the science behind its power.
  • Share this new power to make friends with ease wherever you go and know that the bonds are unbreakable - shit, science is all over this shit.  
  • Never again be that person that always thinks of the perfect comeback after you've already left the party.
  • Smash social awkwardness with a satisfying snippet (or a full-fledged eruption of feeling) with the most colorful vocabulary around. 
  • Feed your guilty pleasure of dirty-word diatribes and bathe in the devilish delights of excessive expletives.
  • Be the the Wolf of Wallstreet and kick ass in the boardroom with some well-placed profanity, then rally the troops to hit homeruns by cursing in the workplace (without pissing off HR — cause I mean, really what assholes). 
  • Make better love, cause it feels so good to say *bad* things and no-one likes a partner who chooses a "that hit the spot" over the explosive passion of a "holy FUCK!"
  • Fire up quick-witted responses to silence bullies and buttheads forever.
  • Balance your chakra with the stress-relief of swearing well and often cause cursing is the true chicken soup for the soul.
  • Be better than those good-for-nothing goons talking shit about you or your friends!
  • Keep up with those crazy creative kids and their new-fangled cussing, cause... oh the humanity!
  • Never look stupid for using swear words incorrectly again, which is like a truly ridiculous-ass mixed metaphor, so heinous that I can't even think of a parallel.
  • Be proud that you championed freedom of speech and the right to swear for every human, and a few dogs - woof!  
  • Lose the swear jar challenge and look good while doing it. 
  • Do some good in the world by Putting Some Bad Language to Good Use! 
  • Watch Pulp Fiction with new ears for the intricacies of its well-worn dialogue. And learn some... (I'll let Mr. Jackson say it)
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"But why Auntie Em, why?"

What does it really mean to be adept at dirty words, to be a profanity professional, a crackerjack curser, a talker in taboos, an authority in assholery, a slinger of such not-so-fancy four-letter words as Carlin's 7 - shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits

The power of these and their untold alternatives are explained, analyzed and explicated (as all poetic musings must be) in Proper Fucking English. As it is only through foul language that we may truly convey our anger, frustration, fascination, or other intense emotions; this is how we swear, cuss, curse and otherwise give voice to our soul. To be a true badass, one MUST swear... 

Well, let's start with Freedom of Fuckin' Speech!

                              “Without the first amendment, society’s really fucked.” ~ F*ck the Movie

~~ Am I just selling you a book full of shit, a pile of disjointed fucks and ferries, some hellbent hollering? 

If that’s what you think, you’re missing the fucking point! 

FREEDOM, gentlemen, is what I’m selling. Freedom from linguistic oppression, that is what we fucking crave… It’s that shit we eat, the fuck we give, the proverbial back of dicks in our arsenal! 

We shine a light on some shit and tell you that shit is just as brown and smelly as that other shit, but then we churn that shit, we unlock and let lose, we open that door, let fly the windows from that stuffy, boaring-ass overly-formal and way too fucking repetitive room you’ve been stuck in and infuse it with some down to earth and down in the gutter swearing to shine in some good 'ole fashioned sick-ass storytelling to liven it up a bit. 


Beyond that, swearing is a necessary part of language...

It relieves stress, it conveys meaning, it articulates emotions, it makes a fucking point, and it truly satisfies (especially when you're suppressing the desire to kick the crap out of some douchebag who totally deserves it - yeah, I'm looking at you Donald Dipshit)! 

Yeah! All that and a bag of tits! - but it is also the NON-VIOLENT RETRIBUTION, a solution to all your problems! It is the book of life that will bring you inner peace.


 So what pisses you off?  

I'll tell you what pisses me off - assholes (like that shitbird in office). Dipshits that don't know how to fucking swear (with flair), dickheads that try to do it in inappropriate ways or to shut others down, and dickwads who try to infringe on our god given right to call them out as the  cocksuckers that they are - yeah, I'm looking at you Donald Duckface. 

I'm the best swearerer ever!
I'm the best swearerer ever!

If you’re going to do anything, do it right... and if you're going to swear, do it fucking right

Maybe it's time to shed some light on the other side of English, the guttural and glorious, real-world English, full of the foul grime of words gone astray! 

Life is charged with controversy, so express yourself clearly and yes, properly, by using some goddamn swear words. (It's downright un-American to get this shit wrong). 

This is MY United States of Swearing!
This is MY United States of Swearing!

If you're going to learn English, learn this shit first! And if you already know it, this is going to be an uproarious exploration of the intricacies of foul language

Prepare your eyes and ears for an assault of explicit language so complete, you'll wonder if you have been living in a 1950's bunker.   

So stop binging on whatever Netflix has you hooked on and CLICK to support our project, cause you do not want to miss out on this opportunity for badass enlightenment. 


What We Need & Why? 

As a clear-cut explanation of foul language is hard to come by, I've set about creating a sort of guidebook, a linguistic litany of swearing, for natives an non-natives alike, for those unfamiliar with or intrigued by the dynamic and mutable language of swearing. 

What do you say? Will you champion freedom of speech, fight censorship, and support the literary, linguistic and sometimes laughable ramblings of a true curser?

In order to complete all the elements of this project, we need $10,000 to fund the following (a lot, yeah, but putting this shit together ain't cheap):

  • Completion of this educational, entertaining and epic portrayal of profanity
  • A killer cover design 
  • A rocking' layout design and illustration 
  • Editing, re-editing, copy-editing, translating, proofing, indexing, etc. 
  • Quality offset book printing (gotta have it) - not some half-assed publication, but something you can be proud to put on your shelf (or coffee table... or bathroom)
  • Video creation (that shit took some time and cost a pretty penny)
  • eBook conversion 
  • Creating killer audio and videos for the enhanced ebook
  • Kickstarter fees and such... 
Going All Andy Warhol and Opening a Pseudo-Linguistic can of Whoop-Ass
Going All Andy Warhol and Opening a Pseudo-Linguistic can of Whoop-Ass

What is this Sh*t anyway?

People swear - Beware! 

Get down with us and even you can hang with the profaners, the stressed-out mothers, the irate taxi drivers, and if you study hard, maybe even with the sauced-up sailors, to become an expert in expletives.

But don't just stuff your conversations with profanity. Get this guide and you'll understand where and when to say them. When to laugh, when to shout, and when to get the fuck out. How to respond, and when and why, you should suppress the desire to reply. When it's time to speak with some serious fucking passion, and so much more.

We hope to create a book about freedom of speech and the need to swear; about self-censoring, not suppression; about the art of expletive and euphemism, the articulation of anger, the clarification of fury, and the dropping of a few verbal land mines.

These are the ABC’s of expressive speaking, from the literary and linguistic to the practical application of the sometimes vulgar, visceral and realistic verbal art form of foul language.

And I'm full of it!
And I'm full of it!

Inside this Obscenities Masterclass you will:

  • learn the most important word in the English language (and it's multitude of uses)
  • meet Mr. Poopy Pants and hear his hilarious toilet talk
  • familiarize yourself with the fine art of flatulence
  • explore the jargon of genitalia in all its wordy wonder
  • follow along with Private Dick as he heads to the head
  • recall what happened at battle of the bush
  • discover the significance of the letters T and A and how to use them without getting slapped

This will be a limited “UNCENSORED” edition never to be seen again! No bookstore is likely to display this (see below). In fact, I've been flat out rejected by several distributors and bookstores alike. 

~ Censorship is alive and real people, so you will probably never see this: 

CENSORED - Mockup of shit not likely to happen.
CENSORED - Mockup of shit not likely to happen.

Why PFE (Proper Fucking English)?
          ~ And who the hell is this book for anyway?

If you're the type of person who likes to speak your mind, who thinks it's just fucking fine to shout "FUCK" when you step on more of those goddamn legos that somehow found their way to the living room floor, who thinks that improper swearing is "um, awkward!", that enjoy taking the piss with friends, that want to make a difference in the world by choosing freedom over supression, then PFE is for you!

Proper Fucking English is also a guide to help those non-natives understand what the hell is going on in that mafia movie, what 50cent is really trying to tell you, and how to appropriately respond to the guy cursing you out for your shit-ass driving skills. And even if you don't use it or don't want to, you had better know what the fuck they are saying about you so you can defend yourself.

Beyond swearing, this book is very much about culture and communication; it’s about finding common ground, making friends and having fun; it’s about the real poetry of language; it’s about interpersonal relationships, drinking, smoking, partying, texting, swearing and so much more.

And if you are native, this is your language, use it – you need it! Profanity will help you to relax; its cathartic effect is proven. Say it loud and clear! Come on, say it! Penis... PEnis... PENIS!... Enjoy it, laugh at it and at yourself, take a look and find something new, find a new insight into why we swear, where it comes from and hopefully have a good goddamn laugh.

                               [-- My name is Peter Liptak and I approve this message.]

So who the fuck am I?  

Tough guy, huh? (as a young buck anyway)
Tough guy, huh? (as a young buck anyway)

"As a concerned parent and award winning children’s book author" - my ass! Who is this blowhard, sitting all smug in a well worn chair donning a smoking jacket, (who wears a fucking smoking jacket anyway?) in some library as if he's even read any of those mother-fucking books!... He is right about one thing though: "if you’re going to swear, do it fucking right!" Hear hear! 

A long-time poet living in self-imposed exile, Peter Liptak believes in true freedom of speech, not some watered down PC version that glosses over the seedier realities of life. He refuses to "tone down" his language or his boisterous manner for those who might find it awkward, distasteful or even offensive - because THAT is offensive.

Through the course of his experience living and working in foreign countries, he's had to swear a whole helluva lot! Often at himself for his own foolishness, but occasionally at some asshole who truly deserves it. Finally founding Exile Press as a platform for disaffected poets, disenchanted linguists, and the politically incorrect as a take-an-honest-fucking-look-at-yourself satire of life, language and politics and whatever else comes to mind.



What people are saying: (what people? I have no fucking idea! - Ok, it was me ;)

                     “Powerfully obscene!”
                    "Intellectual profanity at it's best!"
                    “Seriously sacrilegious!”
                    “Very, very, very vulgar!”
                    “Intensely irreverent!”
                    “Peppered with profanity! – HEAVILY! Ah-fucking-choo!”

("Fake News" he he)

Welcome to the Dark Side of Language!

Still not sure this is for you?

Then what the fuck are you doing here? Piss off! (he he)
          ~No seriously, either shit or get off the can! I ain't got time for your bullshit wishy-washy attitude! 

If it is, and you know who you are, DAMN YOU ROCK! You are a kickass kickstarter!

Ok, you still holding out? Why? Cause you don't know if it's worth it? 

Well, it's WORTH IT and even more! (It's built better and lasts longer than the leading obscenity brand.) But the question you should be asking yourself is, what is not buying it costing me?!... Money, time, opportunity, freedom, glory? YES! YES! YES! 

  • The MONEY lost from not being able to properly assert yourself.
  • The TIME you could be saving by telling people off with a simple "piss off" rather than a long diatribe explaining in detail why they do not belong in your fucking vicinity.
  • The OPPORTUNITY for advancement in the workplace, cause you can't fit in if you can't swear.
  • FREEDOM from remaining a mama's boy (or girl) for the rest of your life.  FREEDOM of speech. FREEDOM of expression. FREEDOM to enjoy this book free of censorship! 
  • And the biggest one of all: GLORY, cause we all know that without guts there is no glory... and swearing takes guts in the presence of authority - so say it with me again - Penis... PEnis... PENIS!
  • But most of all for the FRIENDSHIP and CAMARADERIE that come with sharing your Four-Letter vocab with your buddies on a Saturday night. 

And really, how embarrassing would it be to NOT have this resource at your disposal, how silly would you look mixing up your profanity placement, or misinterpreting someone who said "you're fucking beautiful" as an insult or worse yet, a call to action... 

So don't be embarrassed by shit books when you can have the shit-kickin'est book there is - PFE!


PS. 

MosDef NOT for you:

  • Teenagers (you’re way too young to buy this, so keep it well hidden - find a spot among your smut) No really, don't. 
  • Elementary students (you just keep on spewing as if turrets was a game you played - t is for titties, q is for quim) Again, you are not allowed! 

TLDR: 

"We sell shit. Kickass shit.This shit fucking rocks. Buy our shit, be happy!"           ~ Sincerely PFE

  • I'm Peter, dammit! And once, I was a non-swearer too (afraid of it even -  the soap in the mouth? YUK!)
  • Damn, it's hard to say "Dickwad" in a room full of prim, prudish, puritan PTA moms. 
  • This tool will give you the balls to be a true blasphemer in no time. 
  • Fuckin-A! Now I can swear. And shit, swearing is better than sliced-fucking bread!
  • Now buy this shit... I said NOW Motherfucker! (cause it fucking rocks)

Awesome deal, right? 

So just CLICK on the offer to the right that you think "rocks the party that rocks the body" and support this kickass project. That way, you can start growing your repertoire of profanity right away. 

Risks and challenges

As you may have guessed, this isn't my first dance. I've published heaps of books, ebooks, apps, etc. so I know the process and the pitfalls. There are always risks... so many things have to come together to complete a project like this.

The biggest challenges we will face are the production costs and making sure that we print & ship to all of you on time. So, though I will give my utmost to finishing on time, I'll keep you informed of any issues or delays in the process (with some sardonic commentary, which may even add to the fun), and well, if you don't like it, piss off (and that means you, you "ludicrous tangerine ballbag")!

We're fucking passionate about this project and we're confident that we can handle everything, though please understand that there may be factors outside our control like those goddamn shipping containers floating off, or some similar clusterfuck... All that aside, I need your support! Please help me fight censorship while helping people learn some Proper Fucking English.

“Perfection isn’t achieved when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.” ~ The Little Prince

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  1. Select this reward

    Pledge US$ 5 or more About US$ 5

    THE PISS-POOR PATRON

    Give us a fiver and we won't curse in your general direction (at least not today). -- plus our sincerest thanks and access to our kickass updates since you're not a total dick.

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    eBITCHIN’ BENEFACTOR

    We'll send you the F*cking ebook (any format you like) for a Hamilton. (You’ll get it first, before any other versions are delivered to anyone, anywhere.)

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    THE OLD-SCHOOL OBSCENITY AFICIONADO

    Gimme a Real Goddam Book! Ok, ok... You'll get it with a limited edition cover that will NOT be available in stores!

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    THE BIG EFFING E

    eBitchin’ goes interactive – for only $27 we’ll send you an ebook with a shit ton of extras. This will be a wild ride of voice & video, in-depth explanations, cuss comentary ​​and crass comedy to accompany all that fabulous fuckin' phrasing.

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    SH*T YEAH

    Simply Fuckin' Awesome! Get the book, the kickass interactive ebook and a personal thank you note from me so you can be the biggest badass around!
    How’s that for a Triple fuckin’ Threat.

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    THE JEROME JACKSON

    Three of PFE books (and an ebook to boot) for those that like to share. That's inspired and inspiring at the same time! Thanks JJ!

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    F*CKIN’ A

    (A Seriously Strong Affirmation) – No shit? A C-note just because this project rules! (you'll also get a secret surprise. What it is, SHIIITTTT I ain't sayin'!) - Anyway, I love you man!

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    THE CREATIVE CURSER

    5 books and 5 ebooks to give away, plus send us your favorite curse-laden expression or conversation or add your own quiz questions to our quiz sections where every question is friggin funny. We’ll add it to our website and give you credit. If it is witty or informative enough to make the cut, we’ll add it to the book (no guarantee of usage in the book). {no advertising, racism, libel or plain old shitty ideas} -- And yes, YOUR NAME in the book as a contributor!

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    THE EXPLICIT ARTIST

    Are you a sketcher of deviant art, a gifted graffiti artist, a prolific portrayer of profanity, or a cursing calligrapher? Be our graffiti artist and SHOWCASE YOUR SHIT! Contribute your gift for the betterment of graphic arts and graphic language. + get 5 of everything and a limited edition poster (your favorite curse in cursive, or just a dirty little drawing – subject to edit or rejection {no advertising, racism, libel or plain old shitty ideas}) -- AND your name immortalized in print as a contributor!

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    YOU'RE THE SHIT

    A real straight shooter, huh? Providing funding as a True Patron of the Arts (and great all around​ friend to us and whoever you share these with) – 10 of everything and​ a your name at the front of the book as a Patron and Supporter of Free Speech!

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