Proper F*cking English - How to Swear Effectively in English

by Peter Nicholas Liptak

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      Tyus Beeson on

      I think that the introduction itself is brilliant, considering that profanity can often be described as dirty and vile language. I found, reading the message off a roll of toilet paper, to be an effective metaphor illustrating and highlighting the thematic purpose of the video. Furthermore, the fact that the scene is set in a bathroom stall, provides the audience with mild humor, helping to lure the viewers attention.

      Freedom of speech appears to be the main focus of "Proper Fucking English", which if that is the case, then I think you have a rich and powerful message here adhering to the importance behind that essential right. This message also comes at a perfect time, especially considering what is going on in society on a daily basis. I look forward to seeing this develop over time.

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Peter Nicholas LiptakBy Peter Nicholas Liptak
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Peter Nicholas LiptakBy Peter Nicholas Liptak
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About

 If you are narrow of mind or weak of heart,
if you fear the profane or cannot curse,
if you faint from foul language,
if you are too vain to be vulgar,
if you cannot let go,
do not read below!

Um Okay, how bad could it be?
Um Okay, how bad could it be?

Introducing:

PROPER FUCKING ENGLISH (PFE for short): How to Swear Effectively in English 

Hi, my name is Pete Liptak! I'm a writer and I was fed up with puritanical, censured-to-shit, boring-ass books about English. So rather than just sitting around, bitching & moaning about it, I started creating a book to take a no-bullshit look at the more colorful side of language for all you's mofos so you could have fun with English (maybe for the first time) and learn a thing or two through a few four-letter words. 

I believe in putting bad language to good use. And science agrees with me. 


OK, but why should I care? 

Alright, before you get your panties in a bunch, give this shit a chance... it's NEEDED!

Many people all around the world struggle with swearing. ~ Mom's on their last legs, sailors with nothing to say, taxi drivers lost for words, politicians stuck with the self-censored plainness of polite expressions, yes, even me. 


These people need your help (and by these people, I mean you!): 

  • to navigate the intricacies of profanities so often lost on those ill versed in the treasures of the taboo
  • to enliven emotional discourse (obscenity is the hallmark of a colorful vocabulary after all)
  • to help emphasize a point (cause who doesn't listen when you raise the bar with blasphemy)
  • to make funnier jokes (yes, they are funnier... fucking hysterical, have you seen Richard Prior, Bill Burr, Eddie Murphy, Luis CK, or really any comedian other than Bill Cosby - and oh now we know what kind of guy he is)
  • to recognize when someone is shitting all over you (verbally, that is) and to respond accordingly
  • to come up with comebacks wittier than "I'm rubber, you're glue..." 
  • to deaden the pain with f-bombs whenever the need arises -- because science says so.
  • to raise awareness with quickened pulses and sudden adrenalin surges (yep science again)
  • for a sense of release from such occurrences as a funny-bone banging... or just banging 
  • to relieve pent up stress with a well placed "SHIT!" "Damn!" or the dual use of "Fuck me!" 
  • to keep your soul alive in this otherwise soul-sucking world

PLEASE help save these poor, profanity deprived, swear-less souls.

Mockup of Proper Fucking English and you. Reading - out in the open! Fucking Awesome!
Mockup of Proper Fucking English and you. Reading - out in the open! Fucking Awesome!

~ Oh the ^$@!#*&%^ Outrage!


There is a time and place for swearing! ~ And that time is now!


So what can I possibly get from this shit? 

  • Be recognized as a true Master of Obscenity by your peers because you can back your four-letter litany with the science behind it. 
  • Feed your guilty pleasure of dirty-word diatribes and bathe in the devilish delights of of excessive profanity.
  • Fire up quick-witted responses to silence bullies and buttheads forever.
  • Balance your chakra with the stress-relief of swearing well and often.
  • Be better than those good-for-nothing goons taking the piss out of you or your friends!
  • Keep up with those crazy creative kids and their new-fangled cussing, cause, oh the humanity!
  • Never look stupid again, cause using swear words incorrectly is like a truly fucked up mixed metaphor, so heinous that I cannot even think of a parallel.
  • Be proud that you championed freedom of speech and the right to swear for every human, and a few dogs - woof!  
  • Do some good in the world by Putting Some Bad Language to Good Use! 
  • Watch Pulp Fiction with new ears for the intricacies of its well-worn dialogue. And learn some... (I'll let Mr. Jackson say it)
 project video thumbnail
Replay with sound
Play with
sound

"But why Auntie Em, why?"

What does it really mean to be adept at dirty words, to be a profanity professional, a crackerjack curser, a true badass, a talker in taboos, an authority in assholery, a slinger of such not-so-fancy four-letter words as Carlin's 7 - shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits


Well, let's start with Freedom of Fuckin' Speech!

                              “Without the first amendment, society’s really fucked.” ~ F*ck the Movie

~~ Am I just selling you a book full of shit, a pile of disjointed fucks and ferries, some hellbent hollering? 

If that’s what you think, you’re missing the fucking point! 

FREEDOM gentlemen, is what I’m selling, freedom from linguistic oppression, that is what we fucking crave… it’s that shit we eat, the fuck we give, the proverbial back of dicks in our arsenal! 

We shine a light on some shit you didn’t know about and tell you that shit is just as brown and smelly as that other shit you already know (or at least thought you did), but then we churn that shit, we unlock and let lose, we open that door, let fly the windows, from that stuffy, boaring-ass overly-formal and way to fucking repetitive room you’ve been stuck in and infuse it with some down too earth and down in the gutter swearing and shine in some good ole fashioned fucking sick-ass storytelling to liven it up a bit. 


Beyond that, swearing is a necessary part of language, it relieves stress, it conveys meaning, it articulates emotions, it makes a fucking point, and it truly satisfies (especially when you're suppressing the desire to kick the crap out of some douchebag who totally deserves it - yeah, I'm looking at you Donald Dipshit)! 

Yeah! All that and a bag of tits! - but it is also the NON-VIOLENT RETRIBUTION, a solution to all your problems! It is the book of life that will bring you calm and peace (both inner and, uh, outer).


 What pisses you off?  

I'll tell you what pisses me off - assholes (like that shitbird in office) that don't know how to fucking swear with flair - or fucking spell, dickheads that try to do it in inappropriate ways or to shut others down, and dickwads who try to infringe on our god given right to call them out as the dipshits that they are - yeah, I'm looking at you Donald Duck.

I'm the best swearerer ever!
I'm the best swearerer ever!

If you’re going to do anything, do it right... and if you're going to swear, do it fucking right

Maybe it's time to shed some light on the other side of English, the guttural and glorious, real-world English, full of the foul grime of words gone astray! 

This is MY United States of Swearing!
This is MY United States of Swearing!

Life is charged with controversy, so express yourself clearly and yes, properly, by using some goddamn swear words. (It's downright un-American to get this shit wrong). 

So stop binging on Game of Thrones or whatever Netflix has hooked you with, and click to support our project, cause you do not want to miss out on this opportunity for enlightenment.

Then prepare your eyes and ears for an assault of explicit language so complete, you'll wonder if you have been living in a 1950's bunker,   


So if you're going to learn English, learn this shit first! And if you already know it, this is going to be an uproarious exploration of the intricacies of foul language

So here they come: the primary words: fuck, shit, dick, ass(hole), bitch, cunt, cock, motherfucker and more... their untold alternatives explained, analyzed and explicated (as all poetry musings should be). "It is only though foul language that we may truly convey our anger, frustration, fascination, or other intense emotions; this is how we swear, cuss, curse and otherwise give voice to our soul." - pete  


What We Need & Why? 

As a clear-cut explanation of foul language is hard to come by, I've set about creating a sort of guidebook, a linguistic litany of swearing, for natives an non-natives alike, for those unfamiliar with or intrigued by the dynamic and mutable language of swearing. 

What do you say? Will you champion freedom of speech, fight censorship, and support the literary, linguistic and sometimes laughable ramblings of a true curser?

In order to complete all the elements of this project, we need $10,000 to fund the following:

  • Completion of this educational, entertaining and epic portrayal of profanity
  • Editing, re-editing, copy-editing, translating, proofing, indexing, etc. 
  • A rocking' layout design and illustration 
  • A killer cover design 
  • Quality offset book printing (gotta have it) - not some half-assed publication, but something you can be proud to put on your shelf (or coffee table)
  •  Video creation (this shit took some time & and cost a pretty penny)
  •  eBook conversion 
  • Creating killer audio and videos for the enhanced ebook
  • A cuss worthy t-shirt design and printing 
  • A badass poster design and printing
Going Retro
Going Retro

What is this Sh*t anyway?

People swear - Beware! Get down with us and even you can hang with the profaners, the stressed-out mothers, the irate taxi drivers, and if you study hard, maybe even with the sauced-up sailors, to become an expert in expletives.

But don't just stuff your conversations with profanity. Get this guide and you'll understand where and when to say them. When to laugh, when to shout, and when to get the fuck out. How to respond, and when and why, you should suppress the desire to reply. When it's time to speak with some serious fucking passion, and so much more.

We hope to create a book about freedom of speech and the need to swear; about self-censoring, not suppression; about the art of expletive and euphemism, the articulation of anger, the clarification of fury, and the dropping of a few verbal land mines.

These are the ABC’s of expressive speaking, from the literary and linguistic to the practical application of the sometimes vulgar, visceral and realistic verbal art form of foul language.

And I'm full of it!
And I'm full of it!

Inside this Obscenities Masterclass the'll be plenty:

  • learn the most important word in the English language (and it's multitude of uses)
  • meet Mr. Poopy Pants and hear his hilarious toilet talk
  • familiarize yourself with the fine art of flatulence
  • explore the jargon of genitalia in all its wordy wonder
  • follow along with Private Dick as he heads to the head
  • recall what happened at battle of the bush
  • discover the significance of the letters T and A and how to use them without getting slapped

This will be a limited edition “UNCENSORED” cover that will never be seen again! No bookstore is likely to display this; In fact, I've been flat out turned down by distributors and bookstores alike. Censorship is alive and real people so you will probably never see this:

CENSORED - Mockup of shit not likely to happen.
CENSORED - Mockup of shit not likely to happen.

Why PFE?
  ~ And who the hell is this book for anyway?

If you're the type of person who likes to speak your mind, who thinks it's just fucking fine to shout "FUCK" when you step on more of those goddamn legos that somehow found their way to the living room floor, who thinks that improper swearing is "um, awkward!", that enjoy taking the piss with friends, that want to make a difference in the world by choosing freedom over supression, then PFE is for you!

Proper Fucking English is also a guide to help those non-natives understand what the hell is going on in that mafia movie, what 50cent is really trying to tell you, and how to appropriately respond to the guy cursing you out for your shit-ass driving skills. And even if you don't use it or don't want to, you had better know what the fuck they are saying about you so you can defend yourself.

Beyond swearing, this book is very much about culture and communication; it’s about finding common ground, making friends and having fun; it’s about the real poetry of language; it’s about interpersonal relationships, drinking, smoking, partying, texting, swearing and so much more.

And if you are native, this is your language, use it – you need it! Profanity will help you to relax; its cathartic effect is proven. Say it loud and clear! Come on, say it! "Penis." "PEnis..." PENIS!" Enjoy it, laugh at it and at yourself, take a look and find something new, find a new insight into why we swear, where it comes from and hopefully have a good goddamn laugh.

                               [-- My name is Peter Liptak and I approve this message.]

So who the fuck am I?  

Tough guy, huh? (as a young buck anyway)
Tough guy, huh? (as a young buck anyway)

"As a concerned parent and award winning children’s book author" - my ass! Who is this prick, sitting all smug in a well worn chair donning a smoking jacket, (who wears a fucking smoking jacket anyway?) in some library as if he's even read any of those mother-fucking books!... He is right about one thing though: "if you’re going to swear, do it fucking right!" Hear hear! 

A long-time poet living in self-imposed exile, Peter Liptak believes in true freedom of speech, not some watered down PC version that glosses over the seedier realities of life. He refuses to "tone down" his language or his boisterous manner for those who might find it awkward, distasteful or even offensive - because THAT is offensive.

Through the course of his experience living and working in foreign countries, he's had to swear whole helluva lot! Often at himself for his own foolishness, but occasionally at some asshole who truly deserves it. Finally founding Exile Press as a platform for disaffected poets, disenchanted linguists, and the politically incorrect as a take-an-honest-fucking-look-at-yourself satire of life, language and politics and whatever else comes to mind.



What people are saying: (what people? I have no fucking idea!)

          “Powerfully obscene!”
            "Intellectual profanity at it's best!"
            “Seriously sacrilegious!”
            “Very, very, very vulgar!”
            “Intensely irreverent!”
            “Peppered with profanity! – HEAVILY! Ah-fucking-choo!”

Welcome to the Dark Side of Language!

Still not sure this is for you?

Then what the fuck are you doing here? Piss off! (he he)
  ~No seriously, either shit or get off the can! I ain't got time for your bullshit wishy-washy attitude! 

If it is, and you know who you are, DAMN YOU ROCK! You are a kickass kickstarter!

Ok, you still holding out? Why? Cause you don't know if it's worth it? 

Well, it's WORTH IT and even more! (It's built better and lasts longer than the leading obscenity brand.) But the question you should be asking yourself is, what is not buying it costing me?! Money, time, opportunity, freedom, glory? YES! YES! YES! 

  • The MONEY lost from not being able to properly assert yourself.
  • The TIME you could be saving by telling people off with a simple fuck you rather than a long diatribe explaining in detail why they do not belong in your life.
  • The OPPORTUNITY for advancement in the workplace, cause you can't fit in if you can't swear.
  • FREEDOM of from remaining a mama's boy for the rest of your life.  FREEDOM of speech. FREEDOM of expression. FREEDOM to enjoy this book in the tub free of censorship! 
  • And the biggest one of all GLORY, cause we all know that without guts, and swearing takes guts in the presence of authority, there is no glory!
  • But most of all for the FRIENDSHIP and CAMARADERIE that come with sharing your Four-Letter vocab with your buddies on a Saturday night. 

And really, how embarrassing would it be to NOT have this resource at your disposal, how silly would you look mixing up your profanity placement, or misinterpreting someone who said "you're fucking beautiful" as an insult or worse yet, a call to action... 

So don't be embarrassed by shit books when you can have the shit-kickin'est book there is - PFE!


PS. 

MosDef NOT for you:

  • Teenagers (you’re way too young to buy this, so keep it well hidden - find a spot among your smut) No really, don't. 
  • Elementary students (you just keep on spewing as if turrets was a game you played - t is for titties, q is for quim) Again, you are not allowed! 

TLDR: 

"We sell shit. Kickass shit.This shit fucking rocks. Buy our shit, be happy!"           ~ Sincerely PFE

  • I'm Peter, dammit! And once, I was a non-swearer (afraid of it even -  the soap in the mouth, YUK!)
  • Damn, it's hard to say "Dickwad" in a room full of prim, prudish, puritan PTA moms. 
  • This tool will give you the balls to be a true blasphemer in no time. 
  • Fuckin-A! Now I can swear. And shit, swearing is better than sliced-fucking bread!
  • Now buy this shit... I said NOW Motherfucker! (cause it fucking rocks)

Awesome deal, right? 

So just click on the offer to the right that you think rocks the party like you'd rock the party and support this kickass project. That way, you can start growing your repertoire of profanity right away. 

Risks and challenges

As you may have guessed, this isn't my first dance. I've published heaps of books, ebooks, apps, etc. so I know the process and the pitfalls. There are always risks... so many things have to come together to complete a project like this.

The biggest challenges we will face are the production costs, and making sure that we print & ship to all of you on time. So though I will give my utmost to finishing on time, I'll keep you informed of any issues or delays in the process (with some sardonic commentary, which may even add to the fun), and well, if you don't like it, piss off (and that means you, you "ludicrous tangerine ballbag")!

We're fucking passionate about this project and we're confident that we can handle everything, though please understand that there may be factors outside our control like those goddamn shipping containers floating off, or some similar clusterfuck... All that aside, I need your support! Please help me fight censorship while helping people learn some Proper Fucking English.

“Perfection isn’t achieved when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.” ~ The Little Prince

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    Pledge US$ 5 or more About US$ 5

    THE PISS-POOR PATRON

    Give us a fiver and we won't curse in your general direction (at least not today). -- plus our sincerest thanks and access to our kickass updates since you're not a total dick.

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    eBITCHIN’ BENEFACTOR

    We'll send you the F*cking ebook (any format you like) for a Hamilton. (You’ll get it first, before any other versions are delivered to anyone, anywhere.)

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    THE OLD-SCHOOL OBSCENITY AFICIONADO

    Gimme a Real Goddam Book! Ok, ok... You'll get it with a limited edition cover that will NOT be available in stores!

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    THE BIG EFFING E

    eBitchin’ goes interactive – for only $27 we’ll send you an ebook with a shit ton of extras. This will be a wild ride of voice & video to accompany all that fabulous fuckin' phrasing.

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    SH*T YEAH

    Simply Fuckin' Awesome! Get the book, the kickass interactive ebook and a personal thank you note from me so you can be the biggest badass around!
    How’s that for a Triple fuckin’ Threat.

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    THE JEROME JACKSON

    Three of PFE books (and an ebook to boot) for those that like to share. That's inspired and inspiring at the same time! Thanks JJ!

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    F*CKIN’ A

    (A Seriously Strong Affirmation) – No shit? A C-note just because this project rules! (you'll also get a secret surprise. What it is, SHIIITTTT I ain't sayin'!) - Anyway, I love you man!

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    THE CREATIVE CURSER

    5 books and 5 ebooks to give away, plus send us your favorite curse-laden expression or conversation or add your own quiz questions to our quiz sections where every question is friggin funny. We’ll add it to our website and give you credit. If it is witty or informative enough to make the cut, we’ll add it to the book (no guarantee of usage in the book). {no advertising, racism, libel or plain old shitty ideas} -- And yes, YOUR NAME in the book as a contributor!

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    THE EXPLICIT ARTIST

    Are you a sketcher of deviant art, a gifted graffiti artist, a prolific portrayer of profanity, or a cursing calligrapher? Be our graffiti artist and SHOWCASE YOUR SHIT! Contribute your gift for the betterment of graphic arts and graphic language. + get 5 of everything and a limited edition poster (your favorite curse in cursive, or just a dirty little drawing – subject to edit or rejection {no advertising, racism, libel or plain old shitty ideas}) -- AND your name immortalized in print as a contributor!

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    YOU'RE THE SHIT

    A real straight shooter, huh? Providing funding as a True Patron of the Arts (and great all around friend to us and whoever you share these with) – 10 of everything and a your name at the front of the book as a Patron and Supporter of Free Speech!

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