Proper F*cking English - How to Swear Effectively in English

by Peter Nicholas Liptak

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      Tyus Beeson on

      I think that the introduction itself is brilliant, considering that profanity can often be described as dirty and vile language. I found, reading the message off a roll of toilet paper, to be an effective metaphor illustrating and highlighting the thematic purpose of the video. Furthermore, the fact that the scene is set in a bathroom stall, provides the audience with mild humor, helping to lure the viewers attention.

      Freedom of speech appears to be the main focus of "Proper Fucking English", which if that is the case, then I think you have a rich and powerful message here adhering to the importance behind that essential right. This message also comes at a perfect time, especially considering what is going on in society on a daily basis. I look forward to seeing this develop over time.

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About

Putting Bad language to Good Use!

If you are narrow of mind or weak of heart,
if you fear the profane or cannot curse,
if you faint from foul language,
if you are too vain to be vulgar,
if you cannot let go,
do not read below!

^$@!#*&%^ Outrage!

"If you’re going to swear, do it fucking right!" So maybe it's time to shed some light on the other side of English, the guttural and glorious, real-world English, full of the foul grime of words gone astray! 

Swearing is a necessary part of language, it relieves stress, it conveys meaning, it articulates emotions, it makes a fucking point, and it truly satisfies (especially when you're suppressing the desire to kick the crap out of some douchebag who totally deserves it)! If you're going to learn English, learn this shit first! And if you already know it, this is going to be an uproarious exploration of the intricacies of foul language. 

So here they come: the primary words (fuck, shit, dick, ass(hole), bitch, cunt,  cock, motherfucker and more) and their untold alternatives explained, analyzed and explicated (as all poetry should be). It is only though foul language that we may truly convey our anger, frustration, fascination, or other intense emotions; this is how we swear, cuss, curse and otherwise give voice to our soul. 

 project video thumbnail
Replay with sound
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This is MY United States of Swearing!
This is MY United States of Swearing!

Life is charged with controversy, so express yourself clearly and properly, by using swear words. 

What We Need & Why? 

As a clear-cut explanation of foul language is hard to come by, I've set about creating a sort of guidebook, a linguistic litany of swearing, for natives an non-natives alike, for those unfamiliar with or intrigued by the dynamic and mutable language of swearing. What do you say? Will you champion freedom of speech, fight censorship, and support the literary, linguistic and sometimes laughable ramblings of a true curser?

In order to complete all the elements of this project, we need $10,000 to fund the following:

  • Completion of an educational, entertaining and epic portrayal of profanity
  • Editing, re-editing, copy-editing, translating, proofing, indexing, etc. 
  • A rocking' layout design and illustration 
  • A killer cover design 
  • Quality offset book printing (gotta have it)
  • Video creation (this shit took some time & and cost a pretty penny)
  • eBook conversion 
  • Creating audio and videos for enhanced ebook
  • Killer t-shirt design and printing 
  • A badass Poster design and printing

What is this Sh*t?

People swear - Beware! Get down with it and even you can hang with the profaners, the stressed-out mothers, the irate taxi drivers, and if you study hard, maybe even with the sauced-up sailors.

But don't just stuff your conversations with profanity. Get this guide and you'll understand where and when to say them. When to laugh, when to shout, and when to get the fuck out. How to respond, and when and why, you should suppress the desire to reply. When it's time to speak with some serious fucking passion, and so much more.

We hope to create a book about freedom of speech and the need to swear; about self-censoring, not suppression; about the art of expletive and euphemism, the articulation of anger, the clarification of fury, and the dropping of a few verbal land mines.

These are the ABC’s of expressive speaking, from the literary and linguistic to the practical application of the sometimes vulgar, visceral and realistic verbal art form of foul language.

Inside there'll be plenty:

- learn the most important word in the English language (and it's multitude of uses)
- meet Mr. Poopy Pants and hear his hilarious toilet talk
- familiarize yourself with the fine art of flatulence
- explore the jargon of genitalia in all its wordy wonder
- follow along with Private Dick as he heads to the head
- recall what happened at battle of the bush
- discover the significance of the letters T and A and how to use them without getting slapped

This will be a limited edition “UNCENSORED” cover that will never be seen again! No bookstore is likely to display this; In fact, I've been flat out turned down by distributors and bookstores alike. Censorship is real people and you will probably never see this:

CENSORED
CENSORED

Why PFE?
Who the hell is this book for?

Proper Fucking English is a guide to help non-native speakers understand what the hell is going on in that mafia movie, what 50cent is really trying to tell you, and how to appropriately respond to the guy cursing you out for your shit-ass driving skills. And even if you don't use it or don't want to, you had better know what the fuck they are saying about you so you can defend yourself.

Beyond swearing, this book is very much about culture and communication; it’s about finding common ground, making friends and having fun; it’s about the real poetry of language; it’s about interpersonal relationships, drinking, smoking, partying, texting, swearing and so much more.

And if you are native, this is your language, use it – you need it! Profanity will help you to relax; its cathartic effect is proven. Say it loud and clear! Come on, say it! "Penis." "PEnis..." PENIS!" Enjoy it, laugh at it and at yourself, take a look and find something new, find a new insight into why we swear, where it comes from and hopefully have a good goddamn laugh.

                               [-- My name is Peter Liptak and I approve this message.]

So who the fuck am I? 

Tough guy, huh? (as a young buck anyway)
Tough guy, huh? (as a young buck anyway)

"As a concerned parent and award winning children’s book author" - my ass! Who is this prick, sitting all smug in a well worn chair donning a smoking jacket, (who wears a fucking smoking jacket anyway?) in some library as if he's even read any of those mother-fucking books!... He is right about one thing though: "if you’re going to swear, do it fucking right!" Hear hear! 

A long-time poet living in self-imposed exile, Peter Liptak believes in true freedom of speech, not some watered down PC version that glosses over the seedier realities of life. He refuses to "tone down" his language or his boisterous manner for those who might find it awkward, distasteful or even offensive - because THAT is offensive.

Through the course of his experience living and working in foreign countries, he's had to swear whole helluva lot! Often at himself for his own foolishness, but occasionally at some asshole who truly deserves it. Finally founding Exile Press as a platform for disaffected poets, disenchanted linguists, and the politically incorrect as a take-an-honest-fucking-look-at-yourself satire of life, language and politics and whatever else comes to mind.

Going Retro
Going Retro
Poster mockup
Poster mockup

What people are saying: (what people? I have no fucking idea!)

“Powerfully obscene!”
"Intellectual profanity at it's best!"
“Seriously sacrilegious!”
“Very, very, very vulgar!”
“Intensely irreverent!”
“Peppered with profanity! – HEAVILY! Ah-fucking-choo!”

Welcome to the Dark Side of Language!

Keep up the obscenities
Keep up the obscenities

Still not sure this is for you?

Then what the fuck are you doing here? Piss off!
No seriously, either shit or get off the can! I ain't got time for your bullshit wishy-washy attitude!

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Risks and challenges

As you may have guessed, this isn't my first dance. I've published heaps of books, ebooks, apps, etc. so I know the process and the pitfalls. There are always risks... so many things have to come together to complete a project like this. The biggest challenges we will face are the production costs, and making sure that we print & ship to all of you on time. So though I will give my utmost to finishing on time, I'll keep you informed of any issues or delays in the process (with some sardonic commentary, which may even add to the fun), and well, if you don't like it, piss off!
We're passionate about our project and we're confident that we can handle everything, though please understand that there may be factors outside our control. All that aside, I need your support... Please help me fight censorship while helping people learn some Proper Fucking English.

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  1. Select this reward

    Pledge US$ 5 or more About US$ 5

    THE PISS-POOR PATRON

    Give us a fiver and we won't curse in your general direction (at least not today). -- plus our sincerest thanks and access to our updates!

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    eBITCHIN’ BENEFACTOR

    We'll send you the F*cking ebook (any format you like) for a Hamilton. (You’ll get it first, before any other versions are delivered to anyone, anywhere.)

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    THE BIG EFFING E

    eBitchin’ goes interactive – for $15 we’ll send you an ebook with lots of extras. This will be a wild ride of voice & video to accompany some fabulous phrasing.

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    THE OLD-SCHOOL OBSCENITY AFICIONADO

    Gimme a Real Goddam Book! Ok, ok... You'll get it with a limited edition cover that will NOT be available in stores!

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    HELLUVAN IDEA

    Simply fuckin' awesome - the book and the basic ebook. Damn good!

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    SH*T YEAH

    Get the book, the ebook and the interactive ebook!
    How’s that for a Triple fuckin’ Threat.

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    THE JEROME JACKSON

    Two of everything above for those that like to share. That's inspired and inspiring at the same time! Thanks JJ!

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    I SWEAR

    (bit of a no-brainer here) – get two books, the two types of ebooks, plus a limited edition t-shirt, a kickass poster and a personal thank you note from me.

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    F*CKIN’ A

    (A Seriously Strong Affirmation) – No shit?! A C-note just because this project rules! (you'll also get a secret surprise. What it is, I'm not telling!)

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    THE CREATIVE CURSER

    4 of everything (books, ebooks, t-shirts, posters) plus send us your favorite curse-laden expression or conversation. We’ll add it to our website and give you credit. If it is witty or informative enough to make the cut, we’ll add it to the book (no guarantee of usage in the book). {no advertising, racism, libel or plain old shitty ideas} - And yes, YOUR NAME in the book!

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    THE QUIZZICAL CURSER

    4 of everything (books, ebooks, t-shirts, posters) AND add your own quiz questions to our quiz sections where all answers are D, and every question is friggin funny {no advertising, racism, libel or plain old shitty ideas}!
    - And yes, YOUR NAME in the book!

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    THE FOUR LETTER WORD

    4 of everything (books, ebooks, t-shirts, posters) and personal thank you note from me!

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    THE CURSIVE CURSER

    4 of everything (books, ebooks, t-shirts, posters) AND be our graffiti artist – add your graffiti to the book (put your girl + you, your favorite curse, or just a dirty little drawing – subject to edit or rejection {no advertising, racism, libel or plain old shitty ideas}) - you will also get your name in the book as a contributor!

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    YOU'RE THE SHIT

    A real straight shooter, huh? Providing funding as a True Patron of the Arts (and great all around friend to us and whoever you share these with) – 10 of everything and a your name at the front of the book as a Patron and Supporter of Free Speech!

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