U.S. Constitution Toilet Paper
U.S. Constitution Toilet Paper
Don’t just tell people America’s leaders are wiping their butts with the Constitution, hand them a roll of Constitution Toilet Paper!
Don’t just tell people America’s leaders are wiping their butts with the Constitution, hand them a roll of Constitution Toilet Paper! Read more
A Patriotic Product
Our custom designed toilet paper looks like the U.S. Constitution, but the words have been updated to reflect the actual modus operandi of our modern government. Highlights include a revised Presidential Oath of Office, a tricameral Congress with lobbyists, and a Bill of Privileges.
For many people, seeing the Constitution on a roll of TP is sobering. Wiping with the Constitution can be a very emotional experience. U.S. Constitution Toilet Paper causes many people to ponder what our Founders wanted, what America has become, and whether we have lived up to our ideals.
Only heathens would skimp when printing the Constitution!
- Made in the U.S.A. - Somebody has to provide jobs for Americans!
- Safe Inks - Organic, water-soluble inks are 1,000% safe.
- Real Toilet Paper - Can actually be used to wipe your butt.
- Shrink Wrapped - Each roll is individually encased and protected.
- Eco-Friendly - Recycled paper minimizes environmental impact.
- Septic Safe - Dissolves easily, safe for septic and sewer systems.
- Truly Plush - Soft, multi-ply paper even a baby would love.
That’s right, we’re going to send a roll of U.S. Constitution Toilet Paper to all 435 U.S. Representatives and all 100 U.S. Senators, as well as every living President, Vice President, Supreme Court Justice, and Federal Reserve Chairperson—if we reach the stretch goals specified below. You’ll get a cool-as-hell, one-of-a-kind product that is truly Patriotic, and help send an unforgettable message to our elected “leaders.” What could be more righteous than that?
WE THE PEOPLE of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common Defence, preemptive Offence, & worldwide Policing, promote the general Welfare, Medicaid, Medicare, & Social Security, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves, do establish this Constitution for the United States of America.
All legislative Powers shall be vested in a Congress, which shall consist of a Senate, House of Representatives, & Lobbyists. The House of Representatives shall be chosen by the Special Interests of the several States. No Person shall be a Representative who shall not have obtained $2,250,000 in campaign contributions. The Senate shall be composed of two Senators from each State, chosen by the Corporations thereof. . .
Turning The Other Cheek
Stretch Goal One: $100,000. If funding reaches $100,000, we will mail a roll of U.S. Constitution Toilet Paper to all 100 members of the U.S. Senate. All rolls will be mailed individually to each Senator.
Stretch Goal Two: $250,000. If funding reaches $250,000, we will mail a roll of U.S. Constitution Toilet Paper to all 535 Members of Congress. One roll to each of the 100 U.S. Senators, plus one roll to each of the 435 U.S. Representatives. We'll also mail a roll to every living President, including the current President. This is 540 rolls of U.S. Constitution Toilet Paper! All rolls will be mailed individually to each Representative, Senator, or President.
Stretch Goal Three: $1,000,000. If funding reaches $1,000,000 we will mail 4 rolls of U.S. Constitution Toilet Paper to all 535 Members of Congress, all living Presidents and Vice Presidents, every living U.S. Supreme Court Justice, every current Federal Reserve Governor, and every living Federal Reserve Chairperson. Four rolls to each of the 100 U.S. Senators, plus four rolls to each of the 435 U.S. Representatives. Four rolls to every living President and Vice President, including the current President and Vice President. Four rolls to each of the 9 current U.S. Supreme Court Justices, including the Chief Justice, plus all retired U.S. Supreme Court Justices. Four rolls to each of the 7 current Governors of the Federal Reserve System, including the Chairperson, plus all retired Federal Reserve Chairpersons. This is more than 2,250 rolls of U.S. Constitution Toilet Paper! All four-roll packs will be mailed individually to each recipient. The four-pack of U.S. Constitution Toilet Paper is much larger and more conspicuous than the single pack. Extra rolls of U.S. Constitution Toilet Paper will allow our "leaders" to give something back to the lobbyists and special interests who are so generous to them.
The Letter: A courteous letter explaining this Kickstarter Pledge will be enclosed with each roll of U.S. Constitution Toilet Paper. The letter will respectfully request that U.S. Constitution Toilet Paper be made the Official Toilet Paper of the U.S. Government. It will also request that U.S. Constitution Toilet Paper be placed in all bathrooms on Capitol Hill, in the White House, and all other government buildings.
Adding "Leaders": The Veep Pledge and President Pledge allow backers to add "leaders" to the stretch-goal mailing list. If there is an ex-Senator, ex-Representative, state Governor, state Senator, state Representative, CEO, Lobbyist, Secretary of Defense, CIA Director, or other political figure that you don't want to be left out, simply pledge one of these packages. A list of added "leaders" will be posted to prevent redundancy, and if two people happen to choose the same person, they will be given the option of changing their choice. It would be a true tragedy if some of the infamous "leaders" who have made our government what it isn't today don't receive Constitution TP. This is a priceless, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to thank patriots like Oliver North, Jack Abramoff, Duke Cunningham, James Traficant, Rod Blagojevich, and others for their enduring contributions to our plutocracy.
Adding Rolls: Each leader on the stretch-goal list will initially receive 1 or 4 rolls, depending upon which stretch goal is reached, but the number of rolls mailed to any leader can be increased. If many people purchase additional rolls, hundreds or even thousands of rolls might be mailed to a "leader," sending an extremely powerful message.
Personalized Letter: The Founder Pledge allows backers to write a one-page letter which will be included in all stretch-goal mailings. This is a truly unique opportunity for backers to express their views to a horde of prominent "leaders."
Risks and challenges
We have previously produced U.S. Constitution Toilet Paper in extremely small runs and are looking to produce a larger run. Printing toilet paper obviously isn't a lunar shoot, but it is much more expensive than people think. We have ordered U.S. Constitution Toilet Paper from the same printer on multiple occasions and have always been extremely satisfied with the quality and timely delivery. This printer will once again be utilized. We are not starting cold having never printed U.S. Constitution TP or sold it before, but rather are simply performing another iteration of a process we have successfully completed multiple times. We are intimately familiar with the financial cost, the time commitment involved, and all labor, material, and scheduling requirements.
Our cost accounting is meticulous, and includes: plates used to print the TP; the printed TP itself; shipping of the TP to us from the producer including insurance; storage in a safe, dry location on pallets covered with tarps; boxes, tape, labels, and other materials necessary for packaging and shipping; labor for packaging, handling, and shipping; transport of TP when delivered and mailed out; shipping costs to purchasers; Kickstarter fees; and taxes. None of these costs are guesstimates; we have obtained bids from the TP producer, computed actual shipping rates, priced packaging materials at Uline and other vendors, contacted laborers and negotiated their wages, etc. If the funding goal is reached, we are absolutely certain that there will be adequate money to complete the project and fulfill all orders. This includes the stretch rewards which send rolls individually to 535 members of Congress plus all living Presidents and Vice Presidents, every living U.S. Supreme Court Justice, every current Federal Reserve Governor, and every living Federal Reserve Chairperson. Expenses for these rewards are considerable, with shipping alone costing thousands of dollars, plus labor costs for obtaining all addresses, managing the secure website, and tracking and managing the mailing. All costs have been carefully computed and we are certain the rewards can be honored.
Printing TP domestically costs many dollars per roll even in large quantities, not dimes or quarters per roll as people often think. Toilet paper is also heavy and therefore expensive to ship. Per-roll shipping prices decrease significantly as more rolls are shipped together at once, and we have passed this savings along to backers who purchase multiple rolls. We are earning reasonable margins, but are not gouging customers and profiting exorbitantly. The ultimate purpose of this undertaking is to get as many rolls of U.S. Constitution TP circulating as possible, not to make a fortune selling it and roam the world in a jet named "TP One." Reaching the stretch goal and sending a roll of U.S. Constitution Toilet Paper to more than 550 of our "leaders" would be gratifying. Yet at a deeper level, seeing the Constitution printed on TP, not just visualizing the idea, but actually holding the roll in one's hand, really makes people think.
Fundraising for this project ends on July 6th. Though July 4th is the ideal end date, we wanted to give individuals who hear about Constitution TP during Independence Day festivities a chance to order upon returning home. Optimistically presuming that the funding goal is reached, it takes 14 days to obtain funds from Kickstarter, so printing would begin on Tuesday, July 21st. Production can take days or weeks, depending on the quantity required. The printer has the ability to produce large amounts of U.S. Constitution Toilet Paper if required, and has already producing the printing plates.The printer will be appraised of the campaign as it proceeds, so that the required amount of production capacity can be set aside. Once printed, TP will be rapidly shipped out. All orders will ship out to backers in July or August, and will be received by backers in July or August, with the exception of some distant international customers who may not receive their TP until September.
If stretch goals are reached, U.S. Constitution TP will be mailed out to America's "leaders" two weeks after the last roll is mailed to backers. All backers will be provided access to a password protected area of a website, and will be able to see tracking numbers for each roll mailed to members of Congress and Presidents, as well as delivery status. This will allow independent verification of the mailing of Constitution TP to America's "leaders." The stretch goals are not cumulative. Rather, each successive stretch goal attained would replace the previous, mailing more rolls to a larger number of America's "leaders."
The Founder Pledge allows a backer to write a one-page typed letter which will be placed in the mailings to hundreds of leaders. NO profanity or threats will be allowed in these letters.
All pledge amounts include USPS shipping anywhere in the United States including Alaska, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, the U.S. Virgin Islands, and Guam.
We wanted to be sure to offer U.S. Constitution TP to expatriates. However, international shipping options are limited and they tend to be expensive, especially for packages over four pounds. We wish international shipping were cheaper, but it isn't. We do not ship to international post-office boxes, only to street addresses. All international orders ship with customs forms. Taxes and fees vary country to country, and duty taxes or other fees may be required to obtain packages from local post stations.
This project is not a form of political fundraising. It will simply produce and mail out the TP, nothing more.
- (55 days)