Funded! This project was successfully funded on April 3, 2013.

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HCTM is putting the polishing touches on CRYPTIC, its 6th studio album. We want to make it our best, & widest-reaching ever, baby. Dig?

WHAT THE HELL ARE WE TRYING TO DO? Firstly, we are communicating with you through our discoverer, translator, and sometimes business manager, Prof. Nigel Quentin Fontanelle Dumblucke IV. He, for some uncanny reason, is able to communicate with us telepathically. This bodes well, as we don't speak, much less type. Typical HCTM sounds include grunts, howls, and the occasional dusty fart (whooosh).

HCTM is now putting the polishing touches on CRYPTIC  our sixth studio album. It's all happening at the Crypt™, our kick-ass secret lair/ studio. It is coming out seriously badass (like those dusty farts) and the *new songs are some of our most infectious to date.

Here's the rub, y'all: (Dr. Dumblucke, you better translate your lab-coat-covered ass off here!) The cost associated with producing and promoting CRYPTIC with an eye towards getting radio play is simply mind-bottling. Even for this very successful, efficient, independent band, a large-scale, coordinated marketing blitz, including hiring a reputable PR firm, has been out of reach. 

So, we hope you accept this sexy-ass mission: Take HCTM to the next tier (trail of tiers?). Push CRYPTIC off the jaunty edge… of the lip… of the fringe… of the precipice into the wild blue. Just ask our rabid fans, HCTM is poised to take off! We will reward you handsomely for your efforts, baby. RRRRrrrrrgh!

Smooches, 

HCTM

* "Chaperone" is an ode to sneaking off for a little nooky and is super-hooky; "Petting Zoo" is dripping with animal attraction, and is a meteoric-metaphoric good time; there's a super-fly paean to our favorite pastime called "You Know the Drill"; and "Never Grow Old" is a soul-setpiece that will… well, never grow old.

Risks and challenges Learn about accountability on Kickstarter

•Keeping all of our limbs intact.
•Making sure Java doesn't hump concert promoters' wives (unless they're cool with it).
•Taking adequate precautions against Spaz's keyboards malfunctioning (we all remember the "Muse Receptor" affair).
•Having Cass' fingers sewn back on professionally, rather than his preferred DIY method. This may be an uphill battle.
•Making sure Eddie gets "enough cowbell". Again, uphill battle, y'all.
•KW Tut wants plenty of marble columns. This threatens to break the bank at every turn. Most of the time he can be fooled with styrofoam facsimiles, fortunately.
•The Flu.

FAQ

  • Cool stuff! Like our Cryptic autographed CD, Cryptic Official Sponsor T-Shirt and sticker, old French fries, guitar picks, and partially eaten gummy bears.

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  • Write us via Kickstarter (before ordering, or as soon as it dawns on you if you've already placed your order) and we'll look at your show's availability and advise. We're sure we can work this out. (We missed the chance to add this language to the package itself. Our bad.)

    Many Thanks,

    HCTM

    Translated from growls and farts by NQFD IV

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  • We'd love to. But, we can't. Not yet. They don't exist. BUT, we'll make sure they look slick. And we are serious about sending you periodic messages. We hate to say "trust us on this", but trust us on this.

    Translated from howls, giggles, and scratches by NQFD IV

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    THE CURSE OF TOMB-ESSENCE It's all in good fun, we assure you. Cast this spell upon a crazy (or sane) relative, a horrible (or terrific) boss, a significant (or insignificant) other, or hog all the entertainment to yourself… see if we care. Delivered by email to your sexy-ass inbox. Includes Cryptic Official Sponsor Sticker.

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    CRYPTIC DOWNLOAD Here is a stripped down way to expose yourself to our 6th record, Cryptic. Digitally. It is coming out re-dick, y'all, and we are all hopped up on French roast, Red Bull, and butterscotch pudding about it. Includes Cryptic Official Sponsor Sticker.

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    CRYPTIC CD Self-explanatory, no? If not, read the above five more times. Includes Cryptic download and Cryptic Official Sponsor Sticker.

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    CRYPTIC OFFICIAL SPONSOR TEE, the design for which is exclusive to Kickstarter, y'all! Let it be known that you were on the team that really launched HCTM (after an epic 5,014 year-long ascent to the space capsule). Includes Cryptic download, plus exclusive Cryptic Official Sponsor Sticker.

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    CRYPTIC AUTOGRAPH CD Now you're talking, baby! Autographed by your favorite boys in bandages. Can you say "collector's item"? We thought so. Includes Cryptic download, plus exclusive Cryptic Official Sponsor T-Shirt and sticker.

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    FUNKY AVALANCHE Receive all 5 previous HCTM CD releases, plus Undead Live DVD. Includes Cryptic autographed CD, Cryptic download, plus exclusive Cryptic Official Sponsor T-Shirt and sticker.

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    CUSTOM VOICE MAIL GREETING Get us to babble and drool all over your voice mail outgoing message. Yes, friends, HCTM will record a voicemail greeting of your authorship (subject to Java's editorial sensibilities). Includes Cryptic autographed CD, Cryptic download, plus exclusive Cryptic Official Sponsor T-Shirt and sticker.

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    BECOME A CRYPTOGRAPHER Get your name (or AKA) in the Cryptic CD credits, email blasts, and Facebook posts! Plus, we'll slap a photo of your sexy-ass mug (that is your face, y'all) on herecomethemummies.com. Includes Cryptic autographed CD, Cryptic download, plus exclusive Cryptic Official Sponsor T-Shirt and sticker.

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    CRYPTIC DECODER-RING You heard us! It's a damn working decoder ring, and it looks cool as hell, y'all. It's black and gold, stainless steel, hieroglyphic to Latin alphabet (you know, ours), and bears the Here Come The Mummies logo. Receive secret messages from HCTM, too! No kidding. Well, the messages will contain some kidding. You dig? How badass is that? Includes Cryptic autographed CD, Cryptic download, plus exclusive Cryptic Official Sponsor T-Shirt and sticker.

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    SONGS OF INTERNATIONAL FRAME Framed HCTM song lyric of your choice scrawled with the deftness and speed of a two year-old great tree sloth. It will likely have stains: coffee, root beer, guava nectar, and some we'll just call "archeologically priceless biological residue", or "A PBR". Includes Cryptic autographed CD, Cryptic download, plus exclusive Cryptic Official Sponsor T-Shirt and sticker. ESTIMATED LYRIC DELIVERY JULY 2013

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    REDRUM! REDRUM! Get this rose acrylic tom, which was "beat all about its head" in our signature entrance for years. Dimensions: 13" diameter, 10" deep. (We'll post an image in an update). HCTM will of course autograph it. Includes Cryptic autographed CD, Cryptic download, plus exclusive Cryptic Official Sponsor T-Shirt and sticker.

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    SPAZ'S PINKY RING It is worthless except that he has worn it on stage since rescuing it from a discarded jewelry case (no kidding) in 2011. Despite having no real monitory value, it is satisfyingly hefty, just like its soon to be former owner. Oh, did we mention it is featured in the upcoming video for "Chaperone"? Includes Cryptic autographed CD, Cryptic download, plus exclusive Cryptic Official Sponsor T-Shirt and sticker.

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    EDDIE MUMMY'S SAMBA WHISTLE This thing doesn't suck. It blows! It has appeared on many HCTM recordings over the last decade. Includes Cryptic autographed CD, Cryptic download, plus exclusive Cryptic Official Sponsor T-Shirt and sticker.

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    C IS FOR CYMBAL It is a 14" Sabian Crash. Eddie cracked it. Spaz tried to eat it like a cookie. That accounts for the missing chunk. (We'll post an image in an update). HCTM will of course autograph it. Includes Cryptic autographed CD, Cryptic download, plus exclusive Cryptic Official Sponsor T-Shirt and sticker.

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    LET YOUR FREAK FLAG FLY Lead the way for HCTM as we make our signature marching drum entrance at a live show! YOU are the standard bearer (that means you get to carry a full-size, autographed, "Freak Flag" and keep it for your very own, y'all). While the moment will be a blur, your HCTM autographed Freak Flag (plus a professional photograph of you, your flag, and the boys) will last a lifetime. NOTE: Travel not included. Includes HCTM Official Grab-Sack™ full of cool stuff, plus Cryptic Download.

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    EDDIE MUMMY HAS FINALLY CRACKED... this cymbal. It's a 14" Zildjian K Dark Custom Crash. It is perhaps no longer playable, but it is full of cymbal-ism. Make the good vibes yours! HCTM will of course autograph it. Includes Cryptic autographed CD, Cryptic download, plus exclusive Cryptic Official Sponsor T-Shirt and sticker.

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    THE IDES OF MARCH...ING This is a clear acrylic tom, a marching drum, 15" in diameter and 14" deep. Both Ramses and KW TuT channeled their white-hot nuclear rage through this thing, y'all. (We'll post an image in an update). HCTM will of course autograph it. Includes Cryptic autographed CD, Cryptic download, plus exclusive Cryptic Official Sponsor T-Shirt and sticker.

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    JAVA'S MODIFIED TRICYCLE (AKA DICK VAN TRYKE) It's a mean machine. It's pink. It has been modified to seat one adult uncomfortably. Java drove this thing on stage all last year, so it sports an enviable patina. Includes Cryptic autographed CD, Cryptic download, plus exclusive Cryptic Official Sponsor T-Shirt and sticker.

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    JAVA'S PINK CHUCKS Java has been performing in this pair of Converse Chuck Taylors for years now. Make them yours! It is time he got a new pair. HCTM will autograph. Includes Cryptic autographed CD, Cryptic download, plus exclusive Cryptic Official Sponsor T-Shirt and sticker.

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    THE GOLDEN #@$*ING TICKET, Y'ALL This is your ticket to every Here Come The Mummies performance for one year starting 4/1/13. That is strong medicine, baby. Sometimes it's hard for US to be with us for a whole year, and we've survived thousands. Includes HCTM Official Grab-Sack™ full of cool stuff, plus Cryptic Download.

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    FREAKY 5K. For the un-dead, Here Come the Mummies are surprisingly limber, and in pretty-good cardiovascular condition. Walk a mile in our shoes- or even better, run 3.1 in your own! The Fellowship of the Funky-Feet (most likely Spaz, Eddie, Cass, and Java) will pound it out with you. We'll supply the Go Pro cameras and video to take home, you supply your own damn cells with life-giving oxygen, dig? Let's DO this! (To be held at mutually agreeable location/ date/ time. We'll contact you as to the "wheres and whens" after the project funds.) Includes HCTM Official Grab-Sack™ full of cool stuff, plus Cryptic Download.

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    EDDIE MUMMY'S "BIKE-CURIOUS" CYCLE CHALLENGE How do you stack up against Eddie (and more importantly against yourself) on a 50 mile bike ride? Find out, if you dare. Includes HCTM Official Grab-Sack™ full of cool stuff, plus Cryptic Download.

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    EDDIE MUMMY'S "BIKE-CURIOUS" CYCLE CHALLENGE 2 How do you stack up against Eddie (and more importantly against yourself) on a 20, 30, or 50 mile bike ride? You choose. To be held at a mutually agreeable date/ time. Includes HCTM Official Grab-Sack™ full of cool stuff, plus Cryptic Download.

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    SWEATY-ASS SPHINX Recently decommissioned, these large foam sphinxes have been with us since the beginning. Warning: they have accumulated the sweaty-beer-grime of the centuries, been bare-backed by the flu, rear mounted by Java, and have a radio active half-life of 10,000 years. One (1) per order. Includes Cryptic autographed CD, Cryptic download, plus exclusive Cryptic Official Sponsor T-Shirt and sticker.

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    PARTY LIKE IT'S… 1914, BABY Spend New Years Eve 2014 with Here Come The Mummies. You and three of your friends will get two hotel rooms, 4 VIP concert tickets, and your very own "meet and greet" session with the boys before they go on. NOTE: Travel not included. Show will be East of the Mississippi, details TBD. Includes HCTM Official Grab-Sack™ full of cool stuff, plus Cryptic Download.

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    THE CASS-CASTER Get a bad to the bone, one-of-a-kind electric guitar hand made by Mummy Cass! It'll look crazy and play great. Did we mention that it'll be autographed by HCTM? This item will have a huge buzz, despite the humbuckers. Includes Cryptic autographed CD, Cryptic download, plus exclusive Cryptic Official Sponsor T-Shirt and sticker. DELIVERED BY 12/1/13.

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    THE BASSCASSTER BASS HCTM loves that wide bottom, y'all. Dig? Basscasster hand built by Mummy Cass. Autographed by HCTM. Includes Cryptic autographed CD, Cryptic download, plus exclusive Cryptic Official Sponsor T-Shirt and sticker. Woot!

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    MOST HONORABLE SONG IN YOUR HONOR You heard us, HCTM will compose a song inspired by you! Pick up-tempo or ballad, fill out the mad-lib-style form we'll send you, and voila! We'll send you the studio recording, the demo, the framed lyric sheet, and feature the song on our website. (NOTE: No ownership of rights should be inferred). Includes Cryptic autographed CD, Cryptic download, plus exclusive Cryptic Official Sponsor T-Shirt and sticker.

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    HCTM UNPLUGGED HOUSE CONCERT. It's HCTM, KFC, 'N U! Get us to babble and drool at your dinner table AND take in an HCTM live acoustic performance in the comfort of your crib. You provide the house for us to smooch, and 10 of your friends we can trash. NOTE: Must live east of the Mississippi in the U.S. Includes HCTM Official Grab-Sack™ full of cool stuff, plus Cryptic Download.

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    THE MONEY SHOT Receive "Executive Producer" credit smack dab on the Cryptic CD packaging and online. Sweeeet! PLUS, you and a few friends will be HCTM's special guests in the recording studio for an exclusive listening party, AND acoustic HCTM performance (to be held at a mutually agreeable date/ time). You can even make peanut gallery type suggestions, which we reserve the right to either take seriously, if good, or politely brush off, if not. This will be an unprecedented level of access to HCTM and promises to be EARth-shattering, and mind-melding. Plus, you'll get 10 autographed copies of the CD and other goodies to give to your friends to prove you are a big shot. Note: Travel Not Included.

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