WHAT THE HELL ARE WE TRYING TO DO? Firstly, we are communicating with you through our discoverer, translator, and sometimes business manager, Prof. Nigel Quentin Fontanelle Dumblucke IV. He, for some uncanny reason, is able to communicate with us telepathically. This bodes well, as we don't speak, much less type. Typical HCTM sounds include grunts, howls, and the occasional dusty fart (whooosh).
HCTM is now putting the polishing touches on CRYPTIC our sixth studio album. It's all happening at the Crypt™, our kick-ass secret lair/ studio. It is coming out seriously badass (like those dusty farts) and the *new songs are some of our most infectious to date.
Here's the rub, y'all: (Dr. Dumblucke, you better translate your lab-coat-covered ass off here!) The cost associated with producing and promoting CRYPTIC with an eye towards getting radio play is simply mind-bottling. Even for this very successful, efficient, independent band, a large-scale, coordinated marketing blitz, including hiring a reputable PR firm, has been out of reach.
So, we hope you accept this sexy-ass mission: Take HCTM to the next tier (trail of tiers?). Push CRYPTIC off the jaunty edge… of the lip… of the fringe… of the precipice into the wild blue. Just ask our rabid fans, HCTM is poised to take off! We will reward you handsomely for your efforts, baby. RRRRrrrrrgh!
* "Chaperone" is an ode to sneaking off for a little nooky and is super-hooky; "Petting Zoo" is dripping with animal attraction, and is a meteoric-metaphoric good time; there's a super-fly paean to our favorite pastime called "You Know the Drill"; and "Never Grow Old" is a soul-setpiece that will… well, never grow old.
Check out this awesome review:
Risks and challenges
•Keeping all of our limbs intact.
•Making sure Java doesn't hump concert promoters' wives (unless they're cool with it).
•Taking adequate precautions against Spaz's keyboards malfunctioning (we all remember the "Muse Receptor" affair).
•Having Cass' fingers sewn back on professionally, rather than his preferred DIY method. This may be an uphill battle.
•Making sure Eddie gets "enough cowbell". Again, uphill battle, y'all.
•KW Tut wants plenty of marble columns. This threatens to break the bank at every turn. Most of the time he can be fooled with styrofoam facsimiles, fortunately.
Cool stuff! Like our Cryptic autographed CD, Cryptic Official Sponsor T-Shirt and sticker, old French fries, guitar picks, and partially eaten gummy bears.
Write us via Kickstarter (before ordering, or as soon as it dawns on you if you've already placed your order) and we'll look at your show's availability and advise. We're sure we can work this out. (We missed the chance to add this language to the package itself. Our bad.)
Translated from growls and farts by NQFD IV
We'd love to. But, we can't. Not yet. They don't exist. BUT, we'll make sure they look slick. And we are serious about sending you periodic messages. We hate to say "trust us on this", but trust us on this.
Translated from howls, giggles, and scratches by NQFD IV
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