The company’s future destiny is to make available scrumptious, healthy, sustainable, affordable and insatiably cravable foods.
The company’s future destiny is to make available scrumptious, healthy, sustainable, affordable and insatiably cravable foods.
THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAS ALREADY BEGUN!
Use Zombie Rubs, and your meal will stand out.This is an organic, fair trade, sustainable, non-irradiated meat and veggie seasoning that takes the gruel out of grueling. I've done all the work so you can enjoy and share a world class meal.
My name is Eric Johnson, the surviving human founder of Krishon Chocolates. Zombie Rubs are my juicy brain-child. While just a cook on a salvage vessel full of treasure hunters--partly by accident, partly by necessity--I stumbled on the perfect formula for protection against, and reversal of the dreaded zombie infection. While there is still time, we are making Zombie Rubs available to everyone everywhere. Everyone, except for the Z's, that is.
The actual unearthly event that occurred on the night of 12/21/12 which released the plague was not entirely to blame. People everywhere were consuming lifeless meat which lacked flavor and was devoid of nutrients. It was that lack of taste and nutrition which made so many people susceptible to the spreading plague.
It doesn't have to end this way. If you are still alive, you have a fighting chance against the Z's. YOU CAN PROTECT YOURSELVES WITH MY ZOMBIE RUBS!
Become part of the human-movement that says “YES!”, to wholesome consumption, and bring your dead meat back to life…
*While you still can, please read excerpts from my description of that night of the Apocalypse: because an educated person is an armed person.
PRODUCER: Krishon Chocolates is an artisanal chocolate company that has been producing and selling the finest, freshest, truffles direct to consumers for 10 years (you haven’t seen our chocolates in stores because they do not belong in stores; they belong in your mouth). Krishon Chocolates is already renowned farm-fresh ingredients seasonably available. And Zombie Rubs will continue that tradition with all-organic, fairly traded, non-irradiated (kind of important, if you want living food), sustainably-grown and cultivated herbs and spices from around the globe.
In the initial run, we will produce 1 oz. packages of the four separate rubs---enough to coat 3 to 5 pounds of meat. That is enough for a meal that feeds 4-6 people, or .5 Zombies.
This is a juicy, but lifeless 3# ribeye. Watch it transform...
...Now, the same ribeye 20 minutes later, rubbed, cooked and ready to eat.
This easy-to-use, single-meal size package will reduce the amount of time it takes you to prepare a world-class steak, and also help you unclutter your spice cabinet of half-empty spice mixes and dry-rub jars of inferior products that only become more inferior with time. (Contrary to common beliefs, Zombies, herbs and spices do not age like fine wines.)
A little later, classic, re-useable corked and Mason jars will be available in larger sizes for those who intend to stick around.
We are starting the lineup with the following four phenomenal blends that have been bringing people (and meals) back to life for years.
- WMR - White Meat Rub. This is of course, for juicy red meat steaks and slow cooked roasts. And most of the white fish family. That’s right, it plays double duty. The ingredient list is pretty long, and mostly secret. But it has salt, pepper, garlic, onion, coriander, cumin, chocolate (WHAT!), oregano, thyme and a few other essential flavors. This spice rub is so perfectly balanced, it works equally well on beef as it does fish.
- TOWM - The Other White Meat. This pork rub will tickle ribs, stretch your loin, relax your roast, and make that slow-cooked, pulled pork move faster than you’ve ever seen. This rub works on pork by adding a few different chilies, some smoked salt, pinch of evaporated cane juice, and some choc---uh. Almost slipped. It's something you may not consciously detect; but your mind's taste buds will appreciate that it is there.
- TOOWM - The Other-Other White Meat: We cannot leave off the most commonly served flesh in this country, Chicken. This rub has a zest and a smack that will allow you to avoid having to say, “Sorry. It’s only chicken.” With a bit of sage and citrus, and a splash of red from roasted paprika, you can leave the white behind.
- ASIA - Asian Spice In America: With over 3 billion to serve, we cannot forget how delicious are the spices that have made it to the West from the East. Here we blend sweet/sour/earthen flavors that tear down great walls. Okay, so there is a tiny hint of wasabi. It’s more like a secret than a hint. But for a quick stir fry, there’s nothing like it.
So there is the lineup, and we have a large arsenal from which to expand.
(Tongue-in-cheek aside, there really are astonishing side-effects to the ingredients we use. They have amazing health-restorative properties. Thus protecting you from zombification. You can Google the following claims.)
These tasty, natural blends of herbs and spices contain the phytochemicals that are immune-system boosting, anti-inflammatory, anti-carcinogenic, anti-viral, anti-bacterial, mood lifting and energizing. (And that is just for the spices and herbs listed.) You can now eat and feed people healthy food without anyone knowing. Try doing that with tofu and brown rice.
OH WAIT! That’s right! It works as well with tofu, brown rice, grains, legumes, shrooms and veggies. Try that with Ragu.
So, the following ‘wish list’ of items covers base costs, with frugal spending, and savvy wheeling and dealing so that not all goods and services require cash. (I’m not going to waste your money.)
The Tools to save humanity start in the kitchen:
First, we will need to expand our kitchen (the kitchen space next to our current kitchen is available without a long-term lease for a reasonable additional charge.)
* A used, dedicated spice-roasting oven (we are not talking about a new Vulcanator, just something sturdy, functional and convection.)
- A spice grinder and blender (This one is a bloody big bite, our Kitchen-Aid won’t do. We will need a commercial food mill, something between a Waring WSG30 and a Mill Tech grinder.)
- Roasting pans
- Big mixing bowls (even after the spices and herbs are ground and blended, the secret ingredient needs to combined by hand)
- Hand tools
- Package sealer
- Package Labels
- A slick website to reach out to the Wide World of Humans and Future Zombies
- And finally, ammunition for those speed-bumps that appear out of no-where
We will use the profits of Zombie Rubs to bring you our other amazing products, such as “Sauces of the un-Damned” and “Cryogenically Frozen Clam Chowduh Head Soup…Base” .
The company’s future destiny is to make available scrumptious, healthy, sustainable, affordable and insatiably cravable foods. Oh, and protect people from becoming Z’s.
With a price point of about $6 a package, Zombie Rubs puts us within reach of every budget and most tastes.
Even though they are not intended for vegans, (Zombies Get Their Veggies From Vegans), they are vegan, and make veggies stand up.
Once funding goals are reached, Zombie Rubs will be ready for online sales within 1 month; bulk/commercial/wholesale within 6 months or less.
So, whether you are kicking back and having an old friend for dinner with Chianti, trying to impress your boss or clients, or just bring your own family back...together for Roast-A-Neighbor-Night,
Zombie Rubs will re-animate your life.
The Well Tempered Zombie
*****Just to bring you up to speed, Melvin has escaped. His photo will be replaced with a "Zombie Rubs" bumper sticker.*****
WARNING: The following events should not be read by or to children, or people with weak constitutions.
HOW IT ALL BEGAN...
January 12, 2013
The countdown started June 4, 2012, when a small, independent treasure hunting and salvage crew discovered a previously uncharted trench on the bottom of the Baltic Sea, 75 miles due east of Stockholm.
They sent down their UUV (unmanned undersea vehicle) to snap a few images and ping around.
Well, they did find a ship.
But it wasn’t a treasure laden seafaring vessel.
It was a round flat-metallic discuss shaped object 100 meters in diameter. In the center of the disk a circular whole perforated through completely.
There was a second cylindrical object nearby that was later discovered to be the center of the ship, and was its fuel supply.
At the time, I didn’t know any of this. Almost nobody in the world did. American and Chinese spy agencies snatched the images out of the air within minutes of their being taken by the UUV, right as the salvage team transmitted them to the University of Stockholm.
And as the US had a battle group off the Aland Islands, and China did not, lucky US.
Russia’s navy was too busy smuggling drugs and weapons to the rest of the eastern hemisphere, and couldn’t be bothered.
The American Navy quietly compensated and bought the salvage vessel crew’s silence, and effectively cordoned off 30 square nautical miles of international waters in the Baltic Sea for 6 months. They diverted everything from tankers, merchant vessels, and Finnish crabbers to the persistently curious Chinese navy. And none were particularly happy with that arrangement.
To maintain secrecy for 6 months, the American government strong armed and threatened every press agency in the world. Not one professional news source mentioned the incident. Ever. But the internet was another story.
Crazy rumors of a recovered, intact alien ship and its fuel core were spreading like wildfire around the World Wide Web. In spite of the suppression, still pictures were smuggled to underground news sources. They were posted on ‘dirty’ sites and would stay accessible to any who could find them. The site would stay up for a day, and then crash mysteriously. But no amount of secrecy can stop rumors.
For some reason, on December 5th the United States Navy hired the most successful private salvage and treasure hunting team in the Atlantic, which was mine. Well, I fed them anyway. I couldn’t do what they did, but we were friends. We were the ship, captain and crew of the SS Omen. It seemed amazing to me that the US Navy could need our help. And for this one job we would receive millions. Each. This was more than ‘wealthy’ money; this was a dollar short of ‘freakin’ rich’. I don’t know what Captain Peter would have earned. He never said, and he never got a chance to spend it.
We all should have known better. Even I knew the Baltic in December is like the Caribbean during hurricane season; predictably unpredictable. Which, by-the-way, was why there remained 10,000 undiscovered wrecks at the bottom of the Baltic. Probably a similar number in the Caribbean, as well.
And for all that money, all we had to do was help the US Navy raise an object the size of a school bus to 100 feet below the surface. There they would take over and do whatever naval researchers do with submerged buses. Captain Peter confided in me that it was to be the heaviest object ever raised. Something like 290,000 tons. So it was, he said, an object the size of a bus that weighed as much as 3 nuclear powered, Nimitz Class aircraft carriers.
I really didn’t even know what that meant. I just understood that it was heavy and dense.
I’m sure Captain Peter suspected that we were to be engaging in something that would have military implications, which became clear to him when our escort turned out to be a Battleship, the USS Iowa.
At the time, the Omen was the largest pontoon vessel in private hands. But even in the dark, when the Iowa banked along side of us, we looked like a dingy compared to her.
When the sun rose that first morning, it dawned on all of us. It seemed we were hemmed in by the entire US Navy. There must have been hundreds of ships, boats, tankers, zodiacs zipping around, and two aircraft carriers a mile or so in the distance to the east and south. Those are hard to miss. None of the crew had ever seen anything like this.
As the land-lubbing cook, I didn’t understand much ship/boat/dive or aquatic parlance. I was just a galley cook that was about to payroll his retirement by cooking for a top secret salvage mission. This was going to be the one, the final haul for all of us. We were not rich, but were all wealthy. And greedy I guess. We could have retired. But why? And do what? We weren’t that rich. Plus it was an exciting life 3 months out of the year, and paradise found for 9 months. It was a sexy life, and people dug a successful deep-sea treasure hunter.
For me, it would be enough money to get off the stinking water forever. Prosperous and sexy or not, I hated life on the sea, and was looking forward to terra firma in perpetuity. There wasn’t even going to be a bathtub in my house.
I know now why the Navy chose us. The SS Omen and crew were one of the most successful and reckless salvage teams in the Atlantic. (We had even helped the Russians locate and successfully raise a couple of their lost subs, including the Kursk.) Our captain, Peter Lundgrin, and his crew were all risk takers. They would dive deeper and stay under longer than anyone else. The Navy needed an expendable team of fearless divers that would attempt the impossible. We were the ones.
After the night of the 21st, and for a week afterwards, without even knowing what I had witnessed, I raced towards my family in the US as fast as I could by any means. With my head spinning, and the entire planet in chaos, I realized that I had witnessed the beginning of the end.
The press finally 'leaked' it the next day: The Zombie Apocalypse had begun. The world was being overrun by alien infected, brain-eating-living-dead zombies!
And it actually happened when the Mayans predicted, December 21, 2012.
There were flat screens in every corner of the Omen. Each connected to satellite cable or what was being captured by the UUV or the lead diver’s helmet cam.
On that night, every screen on the vessel was tuned to the images that were streaming from Peter’s camera.
It seems funny to me now that there was so much secrecy and “security” surrounding our salvage mission.
The Navy had posted 30 men on the Omen. Just to be safe.
Safe from what, the crappy food on their own ships?
That meant I was feeding an extra 30 men or more three meals a day from the 7th of December until the 21st.
There were guns everywhere. That almost stifled most conversation.
A funny factoid for future naval commanders to remember:sailors have been communicating with other sailors on separate vessels without verbal or written prompts for 1,000’s of years.
People were sharing what they knew, or thought they knew, in the galley as sailors have since man returned to the water.
What I heard was impossible.
More impossible than what I initially conceived of.
I thought we were there to raise the lost city of Atlantis.
But it was aliens. Seriously.
No one believed it until Captain Peter confirmed it was so. No one doubted that man. There’s no doubting a person like that.
- (45 days)