I WILL NAME YOUR DOG
Don't die alone just because you're terrible at naming dogs and people are constantly judging you because of it. Let me name your dog.
SUPPORT THIS PROJECT SO I CAN WRITE A BOOK ABOUT HOW TO NAME DOGS!
WAIT, A BOOK ABOUT HOW TO NAME DOGS? I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO JUST NAME DOGS.
Yes, that too, but that book, which is also the $10 reward, is "officially" the goal of this project now. It's going to be a 200 page illustrated e-book about how to name dogs.
You see, Kickstarter has informed me that I should focus on the "book aspect" of this project "rather than naming dogs, which - while a noble goal - does not fit within one of our 15 categories," if I don't want this Kickstarter taken down.
If I raise $1,200,000,000, however, I plan to buy Kickstarter and amend its rules so only projects related to the naming of dogs will be allowed on this site. That may seem like a stretch, but think about it--if only one out of every six people on earth donates $1 for me to name their dog "Donald" then we're in business.
AND NOW, THE STORY OF HOW I BECAME A NAMER OF DOGS:
Once, when I was a kid, I put my shoes on the wrong feet. My father, when he noticed what I'd done, was very upset about it. "People are going to judge you and think you're an imbecile if you can't put your shoes on the right feet," was the gist of what he screamed at me. It was an important lesson. Just avoiding improper footwear usage won't keep you safe from the harsh judgement of others though. It's likely that people are judging you right now. Why? Probably because of how unbelievably inept you are at naming dogs.
How many times have you met a person that you were sexually attracted to that was walking a dog that you were attracted to (not in a sexual way) and asked them their dog's name only to be repulsed by their horrible taste in dog names? Dozens of times I'm sure.
Don't be that person.
Hi there. My name is Aaron Schlechter, I don't believe we've met. After investing heavily in beanie baby futures, I retired at the age of seven and spent the next twenty six years traveling to the ends of the earth seeking to become what I am today--a great namer of dogs.
I remember this one time this guy pointed at a dog and was like "That dog doesn't have a name. Hell, no one could name that dog if they tried." And I was like "Oh yeah? Watch me. Her name is Edna." And then he was like "Whoa."
Here's how it works--you send me money and I give you a name for your dog.
If you name a dog the wrong name it's not just you that has to deal with the consequences. Your poor dog will have to too. Its feelings are going to be hurt terribly like a bee that stings a person that it thinks is a threat to the hive it lives in on and off, only to realize that that person was actually bringing all the bees Capri Sun and orange wedges and that the kind-hearted soul is now going to die of anaphylactic shock because they accidentally took a sharpie with them that morning instead of their epinephrine pen and the bee is going to die too because that's what happens to bees when they sting. Yeah. Terribly. You don't want that on your conscience, do you? I don't want it on your conscience. So let me name your dog.
Risks and challenges
There is a possibility I'll be overwhelmed with the pressure of naming so many things and hit a wall. If that happens I will quit my job and travel around aimlessly while consuming large quantities of food and alcohol until I can focus and name things again.Learn about accountability on Kickstarter
- (30 days)