$1,087
pledged of $10,000pledged of $10,000 goal
6
backers
Funding Unsuccessful
The project's funding goal was not reached on Wed, June 29 2016 9:25 PM UTC +00:00
$1,087
pledged of $10,000pledged of $10,000 goal
6
backers
Funding Unsuccessful
The project's funding goal was not reached on Wed, June 29 2016 9:25 PM UTC +00:00

About

Computers are coming for your job, friend.

Computers don't take sick days, join unions, or need to defecate, and they absolutely love doing spreadsheets. Electronic thinking machines have already mastered chess, go, and the ancient art of telemarketing, and they're learning to drive cars. In fact, experts agree that within just five years computers will be capable of watching Netflix for six hours at a time, posting pictures of salads to social media, and even unpaid internships. It's just a matter of time before they come for your job too.

It doesn't have to be this way! Now YOU CAN STOP PROGRESS with one of our expertly designed, heirloom quality, sticks with nails in it! We'll show you how to keep your job! And while you're at it, you can turn that pitiful, skinny, bloodless, bag of bones you call a body into a rock-like torso and legs of oak that will make you the hero of the beach!

Just think of all the money the corporation you work for could save on Taser-Drones if they could figure out how to make robots effectively fold yoga pants and put them in boxes.
Just think of all the money the corporation you work for could save on Taser-Drones if they could figure out how to make robots effectively fold yoga pants and put them in boxes.

Hi there, I'm Aaron Schlechter--I don't believe we've met.

After being orphaned at the tender age of seven by a freak washing machine accident, I taught myself to use an abacus and embarked on a successful career in counting things. All too soon though, I found myself replaced by a three dollar solar-powered calculator. I wandered the streets, bereft of hope, competing with battle-hardened Furbys for scraps of food. One day, while hunting for rats I could kill for sustenance in the sewers deep beneath the city streets, I came upon a set of golden plates inscribed with the long-lost ancient Babylonian method of fashioning a stick with nails in it. Armed with this forgotten knowledge, I built a stick of my own and bashed my way out of obsolescence, growing from a weak, chicken-chested, spindle-armed wimp into powerful dynamo of strength with MIGHTY MUSCLES OF STEEL!

Now you can too!

Studies have shown that feelings of meaningless and despair are temporarily alleviated by buying stuff, and now, for the low, low price of $10.00, I can pass on to you 1 WEIRD ANCIENT BABYLONIAN TRICK TO GIVE YOU JOB SECURITY THAT HAS CORPORATIONS FURIOUS!

Our instruction manual will teach you how to turn these readily available household items into this job security stick in just minutes!
Our instruction manual will teach you how to turn these readily available household items into this job security stick in just minutes!

Retired and don't need a job? Cement your legacy by buying one of our bashing sticks for your children or grandchildren and give them the gift of a job and the lifetime of meaningless drudgery that comes with it! They will thank you!

We know you'll miss looking at wisdom like this on your smartphone every five minutes, but think of how nice it will be to reconnect with each of your 827 friends as you call them one by one to let them know you're eating a cupcake.
We know you'll miss looking at wisdom like this on your smartphone every five minutes, but think of how nice it will be to reconnect with each of your 827 friends as you call them one by one to let them know you're eating a cupcake.

 Are you lacking in pep? Has existential angst left you feeling lonely, tired, and depressed? Using our stick with nails in it to destroy the smartphone you check every fifteen seconds may be the simple solution you've been looking for to spend more time with your friends and family and build up the PERSONALITY, VITALITY, and MAGNETISM you're so desperately in need of! 

The next advance in smart car technology.
The next advance in smart car technology.

 

  •  Designed for HARDCORE computer bashing! 
  •  Delivers EXTREME job security! 
  •  Insulated from ELECTRICAL discharge! 
  •  STRENGTHENING! 
  •  EDUCATIONAL! 
  •  INSTRUCTIVE! 
  •  SCIENTIFIC! 
  •  USEFUL!
Astride a horse with one of our robot-bashing sticks in hand (horse not included) you'll be the envy of your friends and neighbors and able to take on robots large and small!
Astride a horse with one of our robot-bashing sticks in hand (horse not included) you'll be the envy of your friends and neighbors and able to take on robots large and small!

 

Risks and challenges

Barring the Earth getting hit by a comet, huge meteor or a geomagnetic solar storm that knocks out our electrical infrastructure (in which case you won't even need this book), I see only two risks that could delay getting the rewards offered in this Kickstarter to you in a timely fashion:

1. If my hands are both crushed by a heavy object it's going to take me a decent amount of time to learn to write and draw with my feet, which could hold up the delivery dates for this project.

2. Should I be drafted by a professional sports team I could see a good chunk of my time being taken up by kicking, throwing or hitting balls around which could delay things a bit.

Aside from those possibilities, I think you're covered and this project will go out on time.

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Questions about this project? Check out the FAQ

Support

  1. Select this reward

    Pledge $1 or more About $1.00

    I'll sit on a cliff overlooking the sea while watching a beautiful sunset and softly whisper your name.

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  2. Select this reward

    Pledge $4 or more About $4

    I will spend five minutes repeating your name to a parakeet (or similarly sized bird) in a pet store in the hopes that the bird will, once purchased, squawk your name at its owners repeatedly until they are convinced it's some sort of cosmic sign and seek your out and give you money.

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  3. Select this reward

    Pledge $8 or more About $8

    This reward isn't highly recommended as once you use your stick you won't be able to read PDF's anymore. That said, if you insist on buying soon to be obsolete technology, for eight bucks you'll get a PDF of our lavishly illustrated 64 page instruction booklet which has scientists saying they've found the magic key to job security!

    You'll learn how with nothing more than an ordinary piece of wood, some nails, and our guide, you can create your own state-of-the-art robot bashing stick and bludgeon your way to continued employment and a body rippling with muscle!

    As an added bonus we'll detail the recently unearthed secrets of navigating without Google Maps found in a tunnel beneath The White City of the Monkey God.

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  4. Select this reward

    Pledge $10 or more About $10

    Just like the $8 reward, but printed on the finest genuine paper!

    You'll receive a physical version of our lavishly illustrated 64 page instruction booklet which has scientists saying they've found the magic key to job security!

    You'll learn how with nothing more than an ordinary piece of wood, some nails, and our guide, you can create your own state-of-the-art robot bashing stick and bludgeon your way to continued employment and a body rippling with muscle!

    As an added bonus we'll detail the recently unearthed secrets of navigating without Google Maps found in a tunnel beneath The White City of the Monkey God.

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    0 backers
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  5. Select this reward

    Pledge $30 or more About $30

    Have you watched any sci-fi movie in the past 30 years? Then you know robots are going to come for your job and then murder you. Now, with our DIY kit, you can prevent a dystopian future! We'll provide the wood, nails, and ancient Babylonian secrets you need to create your very own ATOMIC ROBOT-BASHING STICK! You'll be disemboweling computers in no time and developing muscles like iron that will make you a red-blooded bastion of strength!

    Only by buying directly from the stick and nail factories can we keep prices this low!

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Funding period

- (30 days)