CONFIDENTIAL: The People vs. Steve Taylor & The Perfect Foil
Dear fellow Kickstarter backers,
My name is Howard Howe, and I am an attorney with Dewey, Bustem & Howe, a firm specializing in class-action lawsuits involving crowdfunding and overdue backer rewards.
As a fellow backer of the Steve Taylor & The Perfect Foil Kickstarter project, I share your frustration at the seeming inability of Steve Taylor & The Perfect Foil (hereinafter referred to as the “So-Called Band”) to complete delivery of their promised long-form recording (hereinafter referred to as the “Quote/Unquote Album”). Our firm is now in the discovery phase of litigation against So-Called Band, and I’ve just concluded an initial deposition with Mr. Taylor at the office of his attorney, Mr. Samuel S. Squire, Esq.
The deposition ended with an interesting twist, so I’ve included below an edited transcript and will keep you informed as to our progress. For obvious reasons, please keep this transcript and its contents strictly confidential.
HOWE: Mr. Taylor, let me start by asking this simple question: What possible explanation can you have for delaying your quote/unquote album four months after its estimated delivery?
SQUIRE: I object, your honor!
(Long silence, followed by Mr. Taylor’s whispered explanation to his lawyer that there is no judge present at a deposition.)
SQUIRE: Mr. Howe, my client has explained his reasons in prior updates. Any further explanation would only serve to provoke and further alienate his admittedly long-suffering backers.
HOWE: Let the accused speak for himself.
(Mr. Taylor points to his throat.)
SQUIRE: My client has a concert appearance at a festival this weekend in New Hampshire, and as such is protecting his vocal cords from overuse.
HOWE: Very well. Then please tell us all, Squire... At what point does Mr. Taylor even intend to provide an actual release date beyond such vagaries as “achingly close,” “any week now,” and “before Jesus returns”?
SQUIRE: I will not tolerate such outbursts in my court!
(Mr. Taylor again reminds his lawyer that we’re not in a courtroom, then offers him a slice of raw meat from his jacket pocket.)
SQUIRE (after swallowing): My dear Mr. Howe, my client is — as the band name suggests — striving for perfection, which traditionally cannot be forced via timetable. But I am allowed to reveal that a date has been set for mastering within the coming weeks, and band sign-off on the final mixes is achingly close.
HOWE: And how can We The Backers be sure that the music will meet our quality standards?
SQUIRE: How dare you, sir! My client has sacrificed his reputation for timeliness, his once sizable fortune, and his formerly keen sense of perspective in the pursuit of quality! I shall not subject his delicate ears to the scurrilous attacks of a scoundrel and a provocateur!
HOWE: Then play me something! Throw us a bone! (Mr. Taylor again reaches into his jacket pocket and produces a bone, which he tosses to Mr. Howe.)
SQUIRE: I have been instructed to allow you to listen to this recently mixed track on the condition that you share nothing more than its previously undisclosed title with your fellow backers.
(Mr. Squire produces a set of headphones plugged into his Blackberry and plays the track for Mr. Howe.)
HOWE: Hmm. I must admit this is surprisingly good. It rocks quite convincingly and has attitude for days. What’s the name of this one?
SQUIRE: The Sympathy Vote.
HOWE: I like it.
SQUIRE: Of course you do.
HOWE: But surely you can’t expect me to report to my fellow backers with nothing more than the title of a previously untitled album track?
SQUIRE (turning to Mr. Taylor): He has a point.
(Mr. Taylor stares into the middle distance for a full thirty seconds, then finally whispers something in the ear of his attorney. The attorney responds with a look of horror.)
SQUIRE: Good God, man! Are you MAD?
(Mr. Taylor whispers a brief reply.)
SQUIRE: But think of what you’re doing! Once the deed has been done, it cannot be undone! Are you sure?
(Mr. Taylor breathes deeply, then slowly nods. His attorney wipes the sweat from his furrowed brow, then turns to Mr. Howe.)
SQUIRE: If my client were to reveal to you THE ALBUM COVER IMAGE, would that satisfy your bloodthirst?
HOWE (turning to Mr. Taylor): Good God, man! ARE YOU MAD???
(Mr. Taylor reaches into his pocket, removes the remaining raw meat, then thrusts it into his own mouth and swallows.)
TAYLOR (to his attorney): Do it.
(Mr. Squire, still shaking his head in disbelief, reaches into his briefcase and, with trembling hands, produces a lo-res mockup of the album cover art in a temporary frame. Even the air conditioner goes silent.)
End of transcript.
Due to the fact that Mr. Taylor and his attorney have allowed me to reprint the album cover image as a gesture of goodwill toward We The Backers, my advisement is that further action be suspended pending a release date. However, if said release date isn’t provided any week now, my strong recommendation is that legal action be resumed with all due haste based on So-Called Band’s prior conduct.
Howard Howe, Esq.