Summer Progress Report
Dear parent or legal guardian of Stephen Taylor,
My decision to detain your delinquent charge for the first month of the summer recess has met with mixed results. On the positive side, he claims to have "almost completed" the homework assignment due April 30th, and has turned in what he maintains are the titles (poorly alphabetized, I might add) to a "poetry collection set to music" entitled Goliath. They are as follows:
- Double Negative
- Happy Go Lazy
- In Layers
- Only A Ride
- Standing In Line
- A Life Preserved (which he categorized as a "new recording")
- As Yet Untitled
On the negative side, he refuses to show me the actual poems — citing "executive privilege" — and further insists that the musical settings are being developed with a "band" of friends named Peter, James and John. (If he's going to invent three imaginary friends, surely he can invent three more original names — as punishment I've added an extra week of detention.)
Stephen continues a pattern of obfuscation when confronted with simple math problems. In response to the question, "If a thousand people order t-shirts and only nine hundred arrive in the mail, how many are left shirtless?" he tore his P.E. garments in distress and cried to the heavens in Aramaic. Then he held up ten trembling fingers and asked me to "add zeroes to taste." (I didn't appreciate the sarcasm, so I added another week of detention.)
Finally, Stephen asked me if he could have a day off this Saturday to take his imaginary band on a field trip to something he calls AudioFeed in Urbana, Illinois. (I told him no, of course, and if he sneaks out I'll add another week of detention to go with his bad attitude.)
In summary, Stephen will remain in detention indefinitely until his homework has been fully completed and turned in. I'll issue a release date as soon as possible, as I have a cruise planned for mid August.
Velma Aryan, MA
P.S. Stephen begged me to send a message to his "backers" that they should all have now received their t-shirts in the mail, and if they haven't, please contact him via his Kickstarter home page on the World Wide Web. I don't like being mocked, so I've taken away his internet privileges and added another week of detention.