introducing Erik Wolpaw
Hello. I’m Erik Wolpaw. I’ve co-written several games, including Psychonauts, Portal, Left 4 Dead, Final Fight: Stratego, and most recently, Portal 2, which won several prestigious awards including Tom Chick’s “Most Disappointing Game of 2011”. Why would I help fund a Kickstarter for such a huge asshole? I wouldn’t. And neither should you. On the other hand, Dr. Bruce Geryk is a good guy, a brain surgeon, and a personal friend whose opinion of Portal 2 is a complete mystery to me because he had the common decency to not turn that opinion into a giant fucking spectacle. Still, taking selfless healer Bruce and then subtracting douchebag Tom pretty much only gets us back to a neutral state of me not giving a crap about their stupid Kickstarter.
So then, the reason I’m talking to you today is that back before Tom got so busy being publically disappointed in me, we teamed up to make some Tom vs Bruce vs Eriks. I helped write four of them. I lost all four matches pretty badly, but in retrospect, I think that’s mainly because I felt bad for Tom and his sad life. Well, that’s not going to be a problem anymore. With your help, I’m going to beat Tom at his own game. And by “own game” I of course don’t mean a game Tom helped create because, again, being elaborately disappointed all the time doesn’t leave a whole lot of hours in the day for actually making things. The point is, with your help, I am going to be the voice of all the people who liked Journey and Lollipop Chainsaw and especially Deus Ex. And I’m going to use that voice to beat Tom to death in any one of the many unpopular games he loves to pretend he likes. And Bruce will be there too, buoyed on the broad, strong shoulders of that voice. Anyway, you should probably click “pledge” before this voice metaphor blows completely apart and kills us all.