I WILL MARRY JEREMY LIN.
Move over potato salad! Now that Jeremy Lin is coming to LA, Performance artist and comedian Kristina Wong needs your help wooing him!
My name is Kristina Wong and you may know my work as a performance artist and comedian. Ok, most likely you DON'T know my work, but whatever, I'm still asking you for money anyway.
For the last two years I have been publicly vying for the attention of NBA Superstar Jeremy Lin so that I can get married and have babies already. It's been something of a durational performance project where my anxieties as a childless woman approaching the last of her childbearing years play out as a public spectacle that subverts gendered approaches of courtship and the otherwise emasculated media images of Asian men.
Check out my previous efforts to woo my future fiance:
- I was on television's FX "Totally Biased with W. Kamau Bell" professing my commitment to him.
- I borrowed a wedding dress and made a public vow of my commitment at the LA premiere of "Linsanity".
- I left multiple messages on his Fan Page that went unanswered.
- I made a plea during the commencement speech I gave at UCLA.
All these efforts proved unsuccessful until a few days ago when I got word that Jeremy Lin was being traded to the Los Angeles Lakers! Literally, Jeremy Lin would be playing down the road, a few miles from my home in Koreatown!
MY VISUALIZATIONS WERE WORKING!!!
I messaged Jeremy offering him a shared room for rent at my house and still no response. So now, I have no choice but to make the GRANDEST GESTURE OF LOVE.
With your Kickstarter support, I will be able to purchase 2 Court Side tickets at $2700 a piece for one Lakers game this season. I will be escorted by a Maid of Honor (person of any gender, TBD) who will keep an eye on my dress and on security. I will follow and adhere to all rules of conduct in the Staples Center as I will Jeremy to notice me.
I will keep detailed documentation in my blog and Instagram for my audience to follow.
BTW, why the hell are basketball tickets are so expensive?!? For that kind of money, you can commission a theater company to make a brand new show, keep a youth serving non-profit org going for a month, and offer a lot of microloans to women in Northern Uganda. But I am not here to lambast how rich people choose to blow money, I am here to sit among the rich... for a day... in pursuit of love.
Here is the 6-Point Projection Plan ("6PPP") of how I will use the money once this Kickstarter is successful....
1. Buy Court Side tickets for myself and my Maid of Honor.
2. Borrow a wedding dress to wear (since I won't have money left at this point).
3. Go to the game in a wedding dress.
4. Jeremy Lin will fall in love with me when he sees me.
5. We get married in a public ceremony for all my donors. He moves into my place in Koreatown while we save up for a bigger house.
6. We have babies and live happily ever after.
Check out our wedding page on THE KNOT!
TO BE CLEAR: This project is a self-satirizing critique of fandom, class and access, racial stereotypes, gender and the institution of marriage. Jeremy Lin is a public figure who many people are obsessed with and project the meaning of their own lives onto. There will be other fans in the stadium who will yell his name, wear an outrageous costume, or scream “I want to have your baby!”-- this is all within the bounds of being a basketball fan. Everything that I am proposing in this performance art project also falls within the bounds of being a basketball fan. I will not forcibly make contact or threaten Jeremy Lin, nor break any laws or rules of conduct in the Staples Center. I will do as I have done in previous iterations of this project... WILL him to notice me with tongue-in-cheek humor.
Risks and challenges
**What if Jeremy Lin does not marry or even propose to you?
First off, that's a negative question. And in the tragic event this happens, Jeremy Lin's conscience will have to deal with a lot of my upset supporters who are as heartbroken as me.
***How are you going to score Lakers Court Side? They are already sold out.
I'm putting plea tweets out to Jack Nicholson's people and tweeting other people connected to the filthy rich. In the event I can't snatch the tix from Jack's 77-year old hands, I will sit in the cheaper seats over several games to get my man's attention.
*** Are you going to do anything that will get you ejected from the stadium?
NO WAY. I'm a lady. I know how to conduct myself with class and style and I know how to behave in such a way that does not violate any rules of the stadium. I'm doing this to win his heart, not break the law.
*** What will you do with any extra money you raise?
That will go towards my dowry. Right now the goal is a dowry of two cows and a goat that my family will present to Jeremy's family during the engagement party.
*** Where will you have the engagement party and wedding?
Most likely in Downtown LA. The Indie Book publisher, Writ Large Press/ DTLAB has agreed to host us at a location TBA. Which is great because it's convenient to the Staples Center and all the basketball players can come!
**** Who will you choose as your Maid of Honor to accompany you to the game?
My last Maid of Honor was my funny friend Miki, HOWEVER, because these tix are $$$ it will have to change for this occasion. Whoever can cough up enough to cover their ticket gets first dibs on coming.... or in the event that no such donor arises... I will determine another system to pick my Maid of Honor among my donors.
*** Will you keep your last name?
Yes, I love being a Wong. Though will happily hyphenate to be "Mrs. Jeremy Wong-Lin". I've been signing my emails off that way for awhile now (because VISUALIZATION).Learn about accountability on Kickstarter
- (30 days)