Do you have kids? If you do, you know exactly what
they like to eat: ice cream; cookies; candy. You know what these tiny terrors
don't like to eat? Vegetables! They'd rather do ten years in a cell with Mike
Tyson than eat vegetables. So, what are you going to do? You can't let
your kids eat whatever they want. If you do that, it's anarchy. And you certainly
can't beat your children to within an inch of their lives.
If you love your kids – and I
know you do – then you need this book: A is For Asparagus, a Jacques Couteau Vegetable Detective Mystery. It’s about a boy who's a detective solving
diabolical crimes against vegetables. By the end of the story, your kids – the little
wrecking balls of joy that they are – will love asparagus.
There’s only one problem. While Holland Dayze (our pen name) knows how to write, we don't know how to draw . . . at
all. A classy book like A is For Asparagus needs classy pictures.
And that, my friend, is where you come in.
By pledging some Kickstarter
dollars, you can help illustrate this book and bring it to life. The more money
you give, the better the pictures. The better the pictures, the more
asparagus your kids will eat. The more asparagus your kids eat, the
less likely they are to steal your car at night, sniff paint thinner, and then
go steal your car at night and go smoke some weed laced with Windex. It's a
win-win sort of thing for everyone.
Plus, you also get some pretty sweet
kickbacks. The more money you give, the better the rewards. You can earn autographed copies
of books, get mentioned in the acknowledgments, and – if you dig
really deep – you might even get to name a character in some future
So, what are you waiting for? Check out our Rewards and make a contribution today!
[NOTE: For all physical premiums, please add $5 for shipping and handling if you live in Canada, and $10 if you live anywhere else overseas. Thanks!]
EXCERPTED FROM "A IS FOR ASPARAGUS"
"Jacques is then summoned by the head of the Vegetable Intelligence Agency (VIA), Julia Milds – a tall
imposing woman with the gift of the gourmet.
He had once seen her remove a dozen eggs from boiling water at exactly
three minutes and thirty-eight seconds without a timer. She could sculpt butter into perfect rosettes
blindfolded while skiing the infamous Sorbet Slalom in Lucerne. Julia Milds was one of the founders of the
VIA, she had worked for the OSS during WWII, and was responsible for
liberating thousands of vegetable farms from the Nazis. (Hitler had a virulent hatred for all
non-white vegetables, though –
oddly – he detested the white turnip.)
"Milds gives Jacques some disturbing news: A mysterious anti-vegetable cabal is stealing
all the asparagus in the world to engineer a “fast food” vegetable with twice
the salt, twice the sugar, and three times the fat of ordinary fast food. And, worse, each YummyLand product is highly
addictive, causing a lifelong craving after only one bite, turning people into
lazy, obese do-nothing zombies . . . exactly what happened to Jacques’
Jacques Couteau, vegetable detective, is all that stands between us and vegetable devastation!
For a longer and considerably darker version of our Kickstarter video, click here.