My Silent Half: Confessions from a closeted Lesbian
My Silent Half: Confessions from a closeted Lesbian
This book is a collaboration of a woman's "Confessions" of dealing & struggling with her sexuality as she processes coming out.
This book is a collaboration of a woman's "Confessions" of dealing & struggling with her sexuality as she processes coming out. Read more
I believe in the power of stories; the importance and freedom it brings when people have the courage to say here this me, all of me, the whole story. Which is what brought me to the reality I needed to begin to allow the silent part of myself to speak. My sexuality.
So a couple of months ago I took a risk and began a blog, one that would publish daily confessions of all the things I wasn't saying. The hurt I had experienced, the questions I was struggling with, the burden of being locked in a closet of your own design, and the fear of coming out. The results were humbling. More and more people began reading the blog - sharing with me their stories, their fears, and finding camaraderie in the struggles I put to virtal paper. I came to find myself welcomed into a community of people across the globe who are working on finding their own voice.
With every story shared and thank you I received I began to process what it would look like to get these confessions out to more and more people. What I've learned as a listener, counselor, and friend is that sometimes people just need you to say it first. They need to feel you are on equal ground...they need to know someone else has thought it or felt it or hurt through it. And when they feel that companionship something gorgeous happens... they begin to share their story too.
So I've created this project to put the confessions for the MySilentHalf blog (and many more) into a book. If these confessions have allowed the hundreds who read the blog throughout the week to create conversation, how many more people out there need to hear them as well? I'll be honest it's a nerve racking risk, but one I believe I need to take.
The funding for this project is to help publish the book but also so that printings of the book can be distributed and donated throughout the United States to communities that need access to other people's stories. And beyond... everyone, everywhere should be able to know they are not alone.
I have come to realize if I'm going to ask other people to share their stories with me, I first have to be brave with mine.
Please join me in the march to share my story and to free the stories stuck inside people who are afraid they are alone in the fight.
Below is an example of the first Confession I ever posted and it will be one of fifty that will be placed in the book:
I haven’t done this before.
Not the writing, I’m a writer. What I mean is I haven’t been honest before. I’ve lived in a web of lies, suffocation, and fear. Fear of exposure and mostly fear of self.
My first crush was when I was twelve years old. I remember feeling overwhelmed and silly yet crazed. I had to kiss her and one day I did. This started a nearly four year affair of secrecy, hiding, confusion, and ultimately brokenness. Rumors swarmed our school that I was… gay. I remember feeling mad, how could they think that? Now later in life I have come to understand anger is never a first emotion rather one that protects whatever we were really feeling and I… I was feeling fear.
Fear that I was actually… well… gay. Fear my mom would find out. Fear I would be hated in my random Midwest town. Fear of the church. So I did everything I could to create the opposite exterior. I talked about boys as if I felt the way my friends did (and I so desperately wanted to) and I acted grossed out by the prospect of girls liking girls. This got me through high school. And though some of the rumors remained lurking in the halls I was able to convince myself, and those around me, I was straight as an arrow.
College came and I fell for a guy. Excellent. The curse I had inside me was broken, I had prayed it away. The problem was I still wanted to kiss girls, I still felt a deeper connection with my closest friends. When my serious boyfriend and I broke up I began a series of serial dating that would last for years. Searching for a feeling. Hoping to find a connection. However every relationship would eventually end… there was no sexual connection for me, no craving. I cringed when I was touched, I cried when I would go to sleep wishing this next nice guy would fix me.
The problem was… it never happened.
And now more than a decade later I’m in love with a woman. And I’m working on finding my real voice. She is patient and gracious and kind beyond my ability to speak of her. She has agreed to walk through all my wounds and black holes. She has taken on more than one person should chew and yet she doesn’t hold it against me. She doesn’t take it out on me. She remains constant. In 90% of our lives we remain quiet as I process through how to speak, how to express to my family life and professional life that I’ve always liked women. She makes me want to learn how to speak.
I’m going to use this blog to process and begin peeling back everything I’ve never said. I’m going to work on becoming a whole person. This is the process I need to begin. She deserves this from me and I deserve this from me.
Welcome to my journey -
Risks and challenges
The risks are my story becomes more public, that I come to a place where I have to face the music and continue to share my story with the presence of who I am behind the writing. What qualifies me to overcome them is that I can't stop now. Those of talking have to keep talking. We have to share our stories, we have to be brave to allow others to be brave. This is the reality I've come to find myself in and it's one I'm willing to face.Learn about accountability on Kickstarter
- (30 days)