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I host a show where I make fun of romantic novels. I want to put my money where my mouth is by writing and self-publishing my own.
I host a show where I make fun of romantic novels. I want to put my money where my mouth is by writing and self-publishing my own.
I host a show where I make fun of romantic novels. I want to put my money where my mouth is by writing and self-publishing my own.
62 backers pledged $3,830 to help bring this project to life.

About

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Help me publish my own romantic novel.

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Book Cover
Book Cover

The Background 

Hi there. I'm Adam. The guy from the cover of that book up there. You've seen my body, so I guess it's high time you heard from me. I run a show in Chicago where I make academic presentations about trashy romantic novels. In doing so I ended up reading a fine book called The Tycoon's Proposal. In it, a man name Mac Barlow is trying to acquire a woman named Savannah Hillstrand's solar panel business, but they both get a little more than they bargained for: each others' hearts. A lovely read, but something about the cover of the book bothered me. 

Near the end of the novel Savannah is about to go on a date to a wedding with Mac which he proposes at the end of. She's deciding on which dress to wear when she lands on "A pale yellow silk sundress that had a trail of white flowers running down the hem." A great dress choice! However not what was featured the cover of the book. See for yourself!

Look at that shit!
Look at that shit!

  I decided to do the author a solid and write a portion of her book explaining the purple dress. Read for yourself:

The Fan Fiction

"Savannah was about to leave her house when she realized her bones felt brittle and weak, and therefore decided to make herself a protein shake to bulk up. Savannah had experience making protein shakes before. She loved em. “Gobble gobble gobble” she would say to herself as she would scarf down her oreo-strawberry blast creation. It was truly a delicious treat.

After she’d gulped the last of her snack, she cleaned the blender and put it away, as well as giving herself a quick high five for not making a mess. “Ra Ra Ra-ah-ahah” Savanah sang to herself, echoing lady gaga’s hit song Bad Romance in celebratory tones. She was about to leave the house, when she clutched her stomach. Uh-oh. Diarrhea.

It hit like a grenade. Immediately soiling the white dress she’s taken so many pains to choose. She klomped to the main floor bathroom in an effort to nip this situation in the bud and clean herself up, when she clasped her stomach again. Uh oh. More diarrhea. the stream of fecal matter lifted her off the ground like a balloon being filled to max capacity and then being simply let go. Flying around her house as a moth does when around a illuminated surface, she guarded her temples from hitting corners of objects, like tables and counter tops. Suddenly the jet propulsion of her bowel movement sent her up the stairs and to her bedroom. zig-zagging around, she had no choice, but to wait for her insides to empty themselves.

After 35 arduous minutes, she finally touched the ground. Every dress she laid out was ruined. “oh no” she thought to herself, “What will Mac think when I show up covered in shit?! Instead of Savannah he’ll call me Poopy McTurd-dress” when she had a Eureka moment. Her aunt Elizabeth was buried in the back yard... IN A DRESS. After an hour of digging and washing and coffin crow-barring, Savannah was finally in her aunt’s PURPLE dress and ready to go to the wedding with Mac."

The Follow Through

I thought my section was doing the author such a solid that I decided to get in touch with her. I emailed her my section and offered to sell it to her for the low price of several gold bars. However she told me "The piece you wrote doesn’t fit what a romance novel has in it, AND I won’t be using it in any shape or form.

Well this hurt my feelings. It hurt em real bad. So I wanted to show the world that my writing style CAN be in a romantic novel in SEVERAL shapes and forms, and with your help we can make it happen together. Please help me infiltrate the world of romance novel writing.  I love you.

Please give me your money.

Risks and challenges

Here is where I list risks of my project. I suppose the only risk would be actually writing the book. I'm not an established author, but I could be.... with your help. But here's a laundry list of other possible risks:

> I could get famous and the fame could go to my head.

> Books stop being good to you because this one is so fresh and so good

> They bring TRL back and I get to host it

> You give me so much money that I crack and buy a boat with it instead

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    Pledge $5 or more About $5

    *The "I just wanted to help out" Tier.

    Thanks for your money. It's mine now. You get nothing. Go do something else now.

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    The "Good on you" tier

    This is a decent amount of money. Thanks. You get a free PDF of the book. You should probably get an e-reader. Which one should I buy? I'm leaning towards nook.

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    the "Oh hey there moneybags" tier

    *You get a PDF copy of the book

    *Your name will appear in a list in the back of the book. It will probably say thank you. It might say "you remind me of a ham sandwich." I haven't decided yet.

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    The "Jesus, how much disposable income do you have?" tier

    *PDF of the book

    *Your name in the back of the book

    *Print version of the book. Like the kind you get at the library. Remember those? In high school I used to go to the library, get CD's and then copy them on my computer. Those were the days.

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    Pledge $50 or more About $50

    The "can you even make rent payments?" tier

    *PDF of the book

    *Your name in the back of the book

    *Printed and SIGNED copy of the book with a personal note from me, the author, Adam Schwartz. It'll be a killer note. You'll like it.

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    Pledge $55 or more About $55

    The "I bet you own a yacht you rich piece of garbage" tier

    *PDF of the book

    *Signed copy of the book with a note from me

    *Your name in the back of the book

    *A character in the book will be named after you. I'll make sure to include your last name as well so you know it's you in case you have a boring-ass name like Dan.

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    Pledge $69 or more About $69

    The "heh. heh. 69." tier

    *PDF of the book

    *Signed copy of the book with a note from me

    *Your name in the back of the book

    *A character in the book will be named after you.

    *I will write a personal sex scene just for you starring you and anyone (famous or not) of your choosing. I'd recommend Will Smith.*

    *DISCLAIMER ON THE SEX SCENE: Depending on how many of these I have to write will determine if they make it into the final book, but if yours does not it will be in a "deleted scenes" section at the back of the book*

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    Pledge $100 or more About $100

    The "Executive sweet and fine dining" tier

    *PDF of the book

    *Signed copy of the book with a note from me

    *Your name in the back of the book

    *A character in the book will be named after you.

    *Blurb about you in the back of the book (and about how much money you have)

    *You'll get a video of me eating a ham sandwich.

    *Personalized sex scene*

    *Not only will your name be in the back of the book, but you will have a small blurb about what I think about you as a person based on what I know (Which will probably be just your name).

    *DISCLAIMER ON THE SEX SCENE: Depending on how many of these I have to write will determine if they make it into the final book, but if yours does not it will be in a "deleted scenes" section at the back of the book*

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    Pledge $7,000 or more About $7,000

    The "waste of money" tier

    You get nothing. You're throwing your money away if you do this. You are foolish.

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Funding period

- (30 days)