The hardest part was watching her die. To see her slowly lose her ability to write an email, to form complete sentences, to watch her sitting on the couch just staring at the remote control and after five minutes look at me and say, "Matt, I don't know how to work this." Through it all, I tried to lift her spirits, but usually she lifted mine instead.
My brother handed me a journal when my wife, Lisa, was sick with cancer and pregnant with our third child. He thought it would be a good outlet for my fears. At the time, we were still hopeful Lisa could beat the disease and live a long life. During the next ten months there were a series of events I never thought I would experience. I kept a journal through it all and I am now turning it into a book.
During those trying times, friends and family kept saying they couldn't even imagine what our lives were like on a day-to-day basis. How did we keep going? Could they ever handle something like that if it happened to them? And that is the main reason I am writing this book.
This is an inside look during a time of losing someone you love, with a responsibility of moving forward for the sake of three young daughters. It is written in real time, day by day. I didn’t know what lay ahead. The story deals with emotion and the most difficult of decisions making, faced only with uncertain outcomes and worst fears. Every decision seemed like it might be the wrong one, every choice seemed like a 50 pound weight.
This is the story of Lisa and I trying to bring our unborn child safely into the world while preparing our other two daughters for life without Lisa. At the very same time, Lisa was preparing to lose her own Mom to cancer. We had two women, mother and daughter, living in the same house, both dying of cancer.
Judgments had to be made, that to this day, I hate that I made them. But I know full well that they had to be done, it was my role in all of this. It's a story filled with contradictions and catch-22's.
Ironically, through it all, it was Lisa who kept us strong. She led us and willed our family to accept the sadness, to keep living life, and to look to the future. All that she was going through, she still took it upon herself to manage people around her.
If you would like to see a sample of my writing style, please click on any of the links below. These are contributions I sometimes make to a widow blog. I do not plan to include these in the book becauase they deal with our life after Lisa's death.
Where the book stands now: I wrote the journal as things were happening. I have since gone and added details that I didn't have time to include originally. I have also put the story together so that it makes more sense to the reader. I have begun a second draft but hit a point where I need help if I am going to finish this in a professional matter.
How your money will be spent: All donations, even if we make it over our goal, will allow me to finish this very personal project and self-publish this book. The more I can raise, the better I can complete this project. Funds will be used for everything that goes into self publishing; an editor, copywriter, artwork, professional advice, printing, ISBN number, etc.. Your donation will help me to give Lisa's story the justice she deserves. Some of the money will simply go toward hiring sitters to allow me time to work on the book. As you can imagine, it is very difficult to find time to write with a full-time job and three young girls to raise.
Every dollar spent on this project will be listed, so the donors know where all the money was spent. A timetable of how the book is progressing will be listed. If there are any questions about my project that I haven’t addressed, please feel free to email me.
Thank you for your support and interest in this story. I would like to believe that this book can be helpful in understanding some of the inner struggles that goes along with the obstacles of losing a loved one. Although we lost our Lisa, her ideas and spirit still lives on. Please help me spread that spirit a little further.
- (50 days)