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fifty 50-word stories designed to discourage villains and inspire champions and drawings built to break brains and arms.

who: nate denver
what: a new beautiful book of 50-word stories and drawings called HAUNTED ARMOR with a nate denver's neck CD tucked in the back.
when: 2012
where: over there
why: good question
the plan: to make 2000 books and sell them in the most delightful stores ever created.

see rewards at http://natedenver.tumblr.com/archive

i'm open to reward suggestions...if there's merch you don't see or if you'd like to challenge me to a freestyle/actual battle...i'm here.

Welcome. I have written fifty new 50-word stories and drawn a bunch of new drawings. They will be collected in a high quality, heavy paper, display worthy tome. The drawings look like the best drawings. The stories are each exactly 50-words long and read like this,

The attic and the basement were in love. They exchanged letters and promises of devotion, but try as they might, they couldn’t touch. Save for their love, life was torture. They knew their only hope for contact was a wild giant swinging his axe through the floor that divided them.

and this,

One warm Saturday, Mozart walked into the street and saw a small cat running up a tree. He said “Hey Frank! How’d you do that?” and the cat ran along a branch and jumped onto a rooftop. Amazed Mozart muttered “Jesus Christ. Frank’s a goddamned maniac. I didn’t know that.”

and this,

Centaurs rarely cry. It’s not that they don’t have feelings, they’re just preoccupied with annihilating evil. When centaurs do cry, it is a beautiful, but painful occurrence during which they think of every awful or sad thing they’ve ever experienced. By the time they’re old, crying can take a year.

With this kickstarter page I aim to raise money to print and distribute this second book. By pledging $20, you will help the book to be born and receive a copy of the book when it comes out. You are pre-ordering the book. Wonderful. The goal will be reached if 500 wonderful people each pledge $20 or if one weird guy pledges all the money.

note: this book will be laid out by the magnificent johnathan schuster of AESTHETIC APPARATUS, the same gentleman who laid out, Wait, you’re not a centaurhttp://aestheticapparatus.com/

note: this book is illegible to scoundrels. 

note: europeans and other strange creatures are welcome, you will just pay a bit extra in shipping.

History of the first book. A long time ago, a gentleman from LA asked multiple musicians to write a 50-word story for a compilation he was making. I did this and enjoyed the format, so I did it over and over again until I had seventy stories. The stories were so heavy that they were breaking the foundation of my house and I had to get them out of the structure. I sent them to Zak Sally of La Mano21 and he put them in a book called, Wait, you’re not a centaur. (see ...centaur at lamano21.com amazon.com and natedenver.com

The first pressing of the first book had a errant apostrophe in the first word of the first story. That apostrophe filled me with so much rage that I detonated. Then I reassembled. Despite the apostrophe, Wait, you're not a centaur sold out immediately thereby wealthifying Mr Sally and me. We did a second pressing in our new fortress and it too is gone, may it rest in peace. This new book will have zero errant apostrophes.

Writing with restrictions is good.

Thank you for your support and good luck with everything.

Here's one more story,

When Nietzsche told Wagner they could no longer be friends, Wagner had to know why. Nietzsche told him, “It’s not me, it’s you. You’re mind is a decrepid weakling while my mind is a vigorous part-lion part-man hybrid built for killing.” Wagner went home and began plagarizing Tolkien's future masterpiece.

here's a song called GRAVESTONE CARVER

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbKy_V582yw

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    A Kindle, iPad or other electronic appliance-friendly version of HAUNTED ARMOR. Imagine looking at mediocre drawings on these magnificent devices. Fifty word stories will be in there too.

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    A Kindle, iPad or other electronic appliance-friendly version of HAUNTED ARMOR. A DENVER thank you card. Suitable for framing, crumpling, or re-selling for a fortune.

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    A signed copy of HAUNTED ARMOR.

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    A signed copy of HAUNTED ARMOR. Limited edition DIG THAT BODY UP, IT'S ALIVE 12" LP. This is heavy music built by john dwyer (guitar), oran canfield (drums) and denver (vocals). See the beautiful cover at natedenver.tumblr.com. this record shreds!

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    A signed copy of HAUNTED ARMOR. The Prince, The Queen, The Corpse (aka The Dancer Song) on 10" orange vinyl.

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    A signed copy of HAUNTED ARMOR. Limited edition Wait, you’re not a centaur silk screened poster.

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    A signed copy of HAUNTED ARMOR. Limited edition nate denver's neck silk screened poster. This is the poster seen at the beginning of the Gravestone Carver video (link on this page or natedenver.tumblr.com)

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    A signed copy of HAUNTED ARMOR. A split 12" on white vinyl. Side A is all new music from nate denver's neck in including a cover of the Cheer's theme song. Side B is great music from Best Friends Forever. see it at natedenver.tumblr.com

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    A signed copy of HAUNTED ARMOR. A signed copy of WAIT, YOU'RE NOT A CENTAUR. These are my last copies of this book, which comes with a full album of heart-nurturing/lung-exploding music. The album is called GHOST ALARM. Oh fudge!

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    Store Deal. 5 signed copies of HAUNTED ARMOR. This is the store price, but is open to individuals. Perfect for stores, gift-givers, book-breakers, weirdos, knights, reverse-doctors, set-decorators, experts, Dr. Claw, horders, French people, Ocean Master, five-eyes, points of a pentagram, little angels and Dave.

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    A signed copy of HAUNTED ARMOR. nate denver VINYL pack. a copy of The Prince, The Queen, The Corpse (The Dancer) on 10" orange vinyl, nate denver's neck/BFF split 12" on white vinyl, Dig that body up, it's alive 12" on white vinyl, TOTAL SHUTDOWN (Reflections) on red vinyl with a parallel groove and silk screen. That's 4 records and a book. MEDIA! DJs buy two.

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    Store Deal: 10 signed copies of HAUNTED ARMOR. That’s the store price plus a few bucks for shipping. This level is open to individuals as well...buy this and you’re set for Christmas or whatever weird/wonderful holiday you celebrate. Your name on a life-giver page in the book that will list donor’s names. Written proof of your philanthropy.

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    WHEELIE CONTEST. I have always admired people who can hold a wheelie indefinitely. I am not one of those people. A signed copy of HAUNTED ARMOR. Your name on a life-giver page.

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    SLAYER. SLAYER. SLAYER. SLAYER. Slayer lyric recitation contest. If you win, you get a Slayer shirt. If you lose, I'll probably give you the shirt anyway. A signed copy of HAUNTED ARMOR. Your name on a life-giver page.

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    Lindin Bloulevard Represent Represent. Tribe Called Quest lyric recitation contest. If you win, you get a hand drawn Tribe shirt. If you lose, I'll probably give you the shirt anyway. A signed copy of HAUNTED ARMOR. Your name on a life giver page.

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    John Milton poetry memorization contest. The great fire of London was in 1666, hence the price, but feel free to bid $1666. I will recite excerpts from Paradise Lost and Samson Agonistes, you can recite anything that the master ever wrote. A signed copy of HAUNTED ARMOR. Your name on a life-giver page.

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    HIGH OLLIE CONTEST. While I don't have the snaps I had as a lad, I can still get up like david lee roth. Winner gets major satisfaction. Signed copy of HAUNTED ARMOR. Your name on a life-giver page.

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    Solo contest! I will use a guitar. You can use anything. I am terrible at solos and only enjoy those played by Hammet, Hanneman and the guy from Skynard. You also get to play a solo on a song on the CD that will come with HAUNTED ARMOR. A signed copy of Haunted Armor. Your name on a life giver page.

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    Letter of recommendation for admittance to Hell, written convincingly and with jargon familiar to the damned. The letter will be addressed to Beelzebub, but if requested can be addressed to Moloch. A signed copy of HAUNTED ARMOR, which should be read prior to your journey, for it will burst into flames once Below. THIS PLEDGE IS NOT RECOMMENDED

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