MATRICULATION: Contribute just a dollar to the magazine and we will give you access to secret updates on its production. We will also give you a homework assignment via e-mail. This will be fun for you.

EARLY DECISION: This is sort of like pre-ordering a copy of Headmaster. But before it's actually made, because that's how much of a trendsetter you are. We will also send you a #2 pencil and a homework assignment. This will be more fun for you.

ADVANCED PLACEMENT: This is sort of like pre-ordering a copy of the magazine, with the added advantage of a T-shirt made just for you (well, you and all the other people who contribute at least $40.) We will also send you a box of colored pencils and a homework assignment. This will be a whole lot of fun for you.

HONOR ROLL: For $75 you get the T-shirt, plus a copy of Headmaster, only this time your name will be included in the magazine in the vicinity of some glowing words of thanks and praise. We will also send you some additional reading materials and a homework assignment. This will be so much fun you can't even imagine.

STUDENT OF THE MONTH: For $125 you get everything mentioned above, plus a limited-edition print of one of the photos in the magazine. Your homework assignment will be fun and fancy.

MAGNA CUM LAUDE: For $250, you'll get everything mentioned above, plus the chance to advertise in the magazine. We'll design an ad for you, and you can promote anything you want (your business, your website, your search for companionship, or your own general awesomeness. It's up to you.) But wait, there's more! As a graduation gift, we'll also send you a disposable instant camera which we, your Headmasters, will have already filled up with fabulous photos.

SALUTATORIAN: You will be considered second best. We are not sure why you would pay this much money to be second best. We will send you a ribbon acknowledging your second bestness.

VALEDICTORIAN: You are the best! And we will do your bidding. You'll get everything mentioned above, including a full-page ad. You'll also get an honorary diploma and, if you're able to make it to Providence, a cap and gown ceremony. (Includes lunch.) Since you will be graduating you needn't worry about homework assignments.