If you love Twilight, you'll hate this book.
Some books are labors of love. This is a labor of hate. It is born of hate for a certain turgid, tedious, verbose series of paranormal romance novels involving alleged vampires that just happen to sparkle in the sun like glitter instead of burning properly like torches.
Well I am applying the torches, pitchforks, and nice, sharp pointy wooden stakes of parody to this glaring, one might even say sparkling, problem.
And the means of delivery? A simple, innocuous novella.
Welcome to the romance between Rubella Duckling, a mortal girl so ordinary, weak, and lacking in a personality of her own that her perspective can fit comfortably around any sufficiently limited imagination, like a pair of pants, and Deadward Sullen, an ancient vampire stuck in his 100th year of high school because he can't quite seem to pass biology class.
Q) So why fund this project?
A) The Twilight series is richly deserving of a parody done by a properly disgruntled indie author as opposed to, say, the well heeled fancy lads at National Lampoon.
A) Reading my parody will be a better use of time than the original. Trust me. The entire novella will come in at around 30,000 words, which is fewer than Stephenie Meyer squanders on any particular passage describing how hot Bella thinks Edward is.
A) I certify my book will be 100% free of Mary Sue characters.
A) Unlike Meyer, I do not feel the need to molest and misuse a thesaurus.
A) If my story gets 95% of the way through and then pulls out an ending having almost nothing to do with what came before, I can blame it on the series I am parodying.
Q) Why do you hate Twilight so much?
A) For the first few years, actually I didn't. My lack of hatred was the result of lack of knowledge, as I was one of the few geeks who somehow managed to tune out the Twilight mania around me. Ignorance truly was bliss. Based on the exceptionally minimal attention I paid, I thought it was just another "sexy vampire" story ripping off Anne Rice, or perhaps yet another werewolves vs. vampires tale ripping off White Wolf Publishing.
But then I found out the vampires sparkled.
Sparkled? EFFING SPARKLED!?!?
From that moment was born a painful need, like an addiction to being tased. I was driven to find out more about the books. With each new piece of knowledge, and each hour wasted, my hatred grew like a poison flower blooming from a putrid seed planted in the rotting carcass of an innocent abused dictionary.
Q) Do you hate all paranormal romance, or just Twilight?
A) Just Twilight. The genre arguably goes back at least as far as Bram Stoker, or perhaps even folk tales of mortals and the fey. Certainly it can be traced in its full modern form to the immensely talented Anne Rice. There have been and continue to be a lot of good books written featuring the loves of mortals and supernatural beings, I just don't think that Twilight, however well it sells, is among them.
Q) You mentioned cheesy fangs among the rewards, but you know Twilight vampires don't have fangs, right?
A) Don't remind me. In any case, like I care! Twitlight vampires DO have fangs. Fake-looking ones like the kind you can buy for kid's Dracula costumes, except attached, and sparkly.
Q) This project is a book. Can you really complete it in three weeks?
A) Yep. I write in spurts of intense activity rather than in any remotely balanced measured way. My first novel, Alien Empire was 123,000 words, and I finished the first draft in a month. My second, Blood on Bronze, was 60,000, and I completed it in a week and a half (mind you, that was about all I did during that time). My third, Jamaica Rum, was also around 60,000 and took four weeks.
Have a question? If the info above doesn't help, you can ask the project creator directly.
pledged of $500 goal
seconds to go
Funding Unsuccessful This project reached the deadline without achieving its funding goal on June 22, 2012.
Jun 1, 2012 - Jun 22, 2012 (21 days)
Pledge $1 or more
MORTAL I will send you a thank-you email and mention you as a supporter on my blog. You can opt out of the public mention if you wish.Estimated delivery: Jun 2012
Pledge $5 or more
NON-SPARKLY VAMPIRE All the rewards of Mortals, and I will send you a copy of Twitlight in whatever common eBook format you prefer.Estimated delivery: Jul 2012
Pledge $25 or more
SPARKLY VAMPIRE All the rewards of Non-Sparkly Vampires, and I will generate and return a custom Sparkle-ized version of any one digital photo photo of yourself you send me, or if that is too personal, a generic pic with your name on it. You will have sparkles, cheesy-looking fangs, shiny bronze hair, and whatever your complexion is, it will get paler thanks to my own digital magic!Estimated delivery: Jul 2012
Pledge $50 or more
SPARKLY VEGETARIAN VAMPIRE All the rewards of Sparkly Vampires, and I will send you an e-copy of Midnight Snack, a short story of the romance of Deadward and Rubella told from Deadward's perspective, and ONLY ever available from me via this Kickstarter project. Unlike Stephenie Meyer, I am smart enough to keep some basic security in place, and this story from leaking out. YOU however, as an authorized recipient may feel free to forward it, delete it, use it for digital cat pan liner or whatever you wish.Estimated delivery: Jul 2012
Pledge $150 or more
WEREWOLF WHO NEEDS A SHIRT All the rewards of Sparkly Vegetarian Vampires, plus a unique, one-of-a-kind custom t-shirt of my design, featuring the Twitlight logo, and your choice of proud shirt-owning motto! The list is forthcoming. What's that you say? $150 for a lousy t-shirt? Well my friend, weigh that against every penny the world has squandered on the series my little book mocks, and consider it support of a worthy cause.Estimated delivery: Jul 2012