Kickstarter

Thank you for offering a helping hand! For $10 you receive our heartfelt thanks, a shout out on our Facebook page, and a shiny link to the final cut of the film before anyone else sees it, in a version containing a special surprise just for our backers.

Wow, this is almost twice the $10 reward! (Okay, we're not great at math, which is probably why we went into the arts.) For 25 large you receive all the above plus a Haiku with your name in it. We're warning you, our film is NC-17 (or would be if they rated shorts) and your Haiku may be too. Just tell us how you want it, naughty or nice, and we'll post all seventeen syllables to our Facebook page. Admit it, you always wanted someone to write a poem about you. We are that someone.

What are you, sick? $50 is real money. Do you enjoy laughing while feeling simultanesouly creeped out? Us too! For $50 dollars you get our heartfelt thanks, a shout out on our Facebook page, the link to the movie, and a signed copy of the screenplay printed on genuine papyrus - or, should world papyrus stocks prove low - PAPER! This way you'll know exactly what to expect, and be better positioned than anyone to tell us, your friends and the whole world why "the script was so much better than the movie."

You like us. You really like us. You want to see this movie so bad we can taste it. Just for that, we're offering you our thanks, the shout out, the link to the movie, and a signed copy of the DVD. By the time you receive it the technology may be as obsolete as the telegraph, but we hear that a DVD hung from a tomato arbor is great way of scaring crows from your garden. So you'll have that going for you. Plus your DVD will contain a doodle and dedication created just for you. (Don't worry, we will remember not to draw on the shiny part.)

Donating $100 really says something. It says, "I'm the kind of person who can afford to donate $100. To an artist!" Congratulations, Lorenzo de Medici, you are a patron of the fine arts (not to mention the kind we make). For $100 you get our heartfelt thanks, a shout out on Facebook, the link to the movie, the DVD, and a very special t-shirt designed by one of our oldest and dearest friends. We're not talking cheap clip art here. We're talking Photoshop! Illustrator! Graphic design and whatnot! Because you're so bloody magnanimous, you bloody well deserve a bloody t-shirt. You think we're talking figuratively (and using a silly British accent)? Go ahead, donate $100 and find out.

It's screen time, baby! For $250 you get our heartfelt thanks, a shout out on Facebook, the link to the movie, the DVD, t-shirt and - get this - thanks in the credits as a "Kickstarter Helping Hand." You got a middle name? Throw it in there, we'll use it. Are you a "Jr."? We'll print your Jr. and raise you a Senior. You say there's a pen name you've been meaning to try on for a while? Go ahead and hide behind it, Humbert McHumberjeans! Please note: fame is not for the timid. Are you ready for this?

You are an angel! No, not the supernatural kind (we hear they're pretty cheap), but an art angel, a backer of the noble underdog. And to show our appreciation, we're going to give you all of the above PLUS thanks in the credits as a "Kickstarter Fist of Fury." Where do we come up with this stuff? We're writers. It's our job. Though sometimes we get "too tired" to do our job and on those occasions we may "borrow" from Bruce Lee...

OH. MY. GOD. You're like that rich Aunt and Uncle we had as kids - the ones who insisted on bringing their fancy homemade stuffing to Thanksgiving instead of the StoveTop everyone secretly preferred. Now here you come waving a cool grand in our faces, getting us all hot and bothered, maybe a little nauseous. All I can say is YOU ROCK! And because you do, you are going to receive an ASSOCIATE PRODUCER credit on the film, along with all the rewards at the $500 level. Doesn't that sound good? At least as good as your fancy homemade stuffing?

DUDE...are you serious? Tell us what it's like working in finance. It's good, isn't it? For $2500 you get all of the above, PLUS...wait for it...CO-PRODUCER credit on the film and a private Skype call with writer-directors Stone+Smith. It doesn't matter where in the world you live. You live on the Northern tip of Madagascar? Good for you. If you have an internet connection, we'll Skype you there and talk about anything you want. You detect the subtle (or not so subtle) influence of Michael Haneke on our work? Well aren't you big and clever! We'll talk with you about Haneke until the cows come home (and are brutally slaughtered in an objective yet somehow moody and far too brightly lit wide shot).

I'm gonna need a Depends. $5,000! The last time I saw that much money, the police were digging it up from my backyard and dragging my father off to prison. No wait, that's Night of the Hunter. Sorry, sometimes I confuse my life with the movies. I'm guessing you do too, or you wouldn't be here. For $5,000 you are going to receive all of the above plus EXECUTIVE PRODUCER credit on A Helping Hand, AND an invite to the wrap party to be held in a dark wood (or a backyard dressed to look like one). Will there be wolves? Danger? No. We don't have "Wild Animals" or "Danger" lines in our budget, but you will mix and mingle with the entire - and eternally grateful - Helping Hand team. We love meeting our fellow cinemaphiles! We love chatting them up, getting them drunk, then goading them to jump naked into swimming pools, you know, to prove they're "one of us." Sound like your (five thousand dollar) cup of tea? You bet it does. [Wrap party to be held in Los Angeles. Travel costs not included.]

WTF! Ten grand? Are you sh**ing us? Listen, you're the kind of person who doesn't muck about, so let's cut to the chase. You may select any of the above rewards you like. You want a t-shirt, you got a t-shirt. A Haiku? Done. DVD? We put it in the mail yesterday. In addition, you better believe you're getting an EXECUTIVE PRODUCER credit, but what's an EP credit compared to having Messrs. Stone+Smith come to your home in the Hollywood Hills (or Burbank, we're not judging) and prepare a delicious five course meal? Together we will admire the view from your balcony. Just look at those twinkling lights. There are eight million stories in the naked city, and ours is one of them. One that got made thanks to you. [Los Angeles patrons only.]