when you wake up from a fantastic dream, try to fall back asleep, but can't..
Well, it's like spending two years building what you think is an amazing-looking toy rocket that you want to have orbit the rings of saturn, researching aerodynamics, physics, astronomy, carving, sanding, painting, putting all your time and money into this one thing, even borrowing money from strangers who believe that you will make something great.
And then when the day finally comes that you light the fuse, you tell all your friends and neighbors to come watch, and you have a party with free food and drinks. And everyone says how good it looks and how great it's going to fly, and so you try to launch it into space, but it only goes six inches in the air and flops back to the ground. No flames or explosion even, just a little smoke that is quickly blown away by a breeze.
And by the time you turn around, you see that most people had wandered off, and those that stayed weren't even paying attention anyway. But when people leave they still say "cool party" and "you got to give me the recipe for that banana pudding" and "that's an awesome rocket," but you're still left having to clean up all the napkins and bottles. And the rocket is just laying there on the ground.
So do you leave it and hope someone will find it and enjoy it? Do you bring it back home and rebuild it and try to launch it again and hopes it works better and people will pay attention?
And does it make everything okay when a few people tell you they had a great time at the rocket launch? That fond memories will be had of that day for the rest of many people's lives?
It's very confusing, and I've been trying to ignore it and remember what being alive and human felt like by traveling, and working, and eating meals with friends, and watching children perform Shakespeare and applying to grad schools (and getting rejected by them because I have never figured out how to not give honest answers to dry questions).
Oh, I hoped it would turn out differently. I really wanted to tour. But I'm attempting to accept that what's happening is what's happened, and attempting to figure out what to do with the hope that it will eventually work out because having that kind of dream really tends to get in the way of an already-unbearable 8-hour workday (I had a friend who worked at Ace hardware with the drummer from Metal Church, so surely it should be much easier for me to tuck in my tail than it was for that dude).
So I will be trying trying my veryvery best to figure out how to convince myself that a few hundred people having a good time enjoying my hard work is better than zero this summer. Also, I will be taking naps at the beach and searching for the best halo-halo (my favorite filipino desert that I highly recommend you try if you haven't).
Thank you for supporting my fantasy world! Hope everyone is a-okay.
