I made you a weird delicious pudding but I disguised it as as book, and I need your help to get it printed!
Hello, You Magnificent Creation...
Mind if I take a minute? I like the way your face looks when you read things. Sometimes I wait all day for you to make that face.
Okay, I'm done.
This book is my baby, you guys---a strong clumsy baby frankensteined from dreams and poems and blogs and short stories and scripts that don’t seem to live anywhere else but in a singular moment. It represents OVER TEN YEARS of crawling. Clawing. Wrestling with my identity as a creative beholden to a Creator. Some pieces are pitifully short yet complete, some are much longer and perhaps a bit undercooked. And then there're the tweets...
Here's what to expect when you read my book: You'll laugh. You'll weeps. At times, you'll get mad at me. But then I'll take your weird glowing face in my hands and I'll show you my receding hairline and my ears that are too tiny for such a big man, and you'll forgive me. Because we're like this, you and me.
Also, you will definitely roll your eyes, really hard, at least once.
Have you ever burnt your mouth on frozen pizza? What an existential crisis, am I right? This book is the number one physician-prescribed treatment for that. I'm not aiming for bookstores; I want frozen-food aisles.
No clue what the book is about yet? Me either. Every page is full of word-shaped light bottles. Like hydrogen peroxide for that bothersome scratch on your soul; it's gentle. And it bubbles.
Still nothing? I'm shy, okay? I don't know how to say awesome things about myself. It's a really warm and challenging book. If nothing else, you'll put it down and you'll know in that moment that you too can open your mouth and let little purple turtledoves spill out.
HOW YOU CAN HELP:
For the past YEAR, I've pored over these pages making sure each piece is special and honest and from my heart (and spelled carrectly).
Now I need help to get it printed and into your hungry hands!
GOAL: $6,310 to pay for cover design, professional editing/formatting, printing 500 copies, and shipping up to 300 cold copies all over the world!!
(watch the video for more on that)
Q: So that's the whole plan? Just give away mad books?
A: Don't sound so negative! I happen to like that plan. But no. Once the final cover design and interior formatting are done, the book will be available for purchase online. If the project meets unexpected success, I will definitely increase the number of books I give away. How do I lose if more people get to read my book? Please remind me.
Q: What if you raise like a billion dollars or something?
Don't be ridiculous, Cousin Larry. THIS isn't how I become a billionaire; I haven't even told you about that book yet! If I raise more than my goal, I'm going to give away more books. If I raise a lot more than my goal, I'm going to start working on an interactive iPad version of the book. If I raise boo-gobs and boo-gobs of moneys, I'll use it to take time off to write two other similar books I've already mapped out. (Neither of which is the billion-dollar book...)
Q: Why do you have such high-dollar rewards when the goal amount is relatively small?
A: It's called the power of suggestion. You totally want me to speak to your English class now, don't you?
Q: What's your size? I want to buy you a western shirt.
A: Thanks, but I think that's against the rules. Also, I'm technically an 'extra large and-a-half', so I don't know if your gift would fit. But the western shirts I like cost around $25/piece from a very specific Wal-Mart in central Texas, so why don't you just make a $25 pledge instead??
Q: I watched your video. You're funny. I still don't know what your book is about. Is it fiction or non-fiction?
A: Can't get anything past you, can I? It's fiction. Ninety percent of the book was written when I was between the ages of 19-27, so it's kind of a quarter-life coming-of-age book. All the pieces are inspired by real issues I've faced in the arenas of love, work, faith, sex, purpose, money, family, etc. And they're all about MOMENTS. Very few pieces in the book span much longer than the space of a few minutes. One piece is a 17-page script which follows two strangers as they walk just three blocks! Again, if you pledge $25, you'll GET the book and you can read it for yourself.
Q: I guess what I'm really saying is---will I regret funding your book?
A: No, Dad.
And that's it. You're the best in the world, okay?
Thank you for reading!
I hope you'll help me get to say that more.
(See how I just gave you my last peace sandwich?)
YES! I should've mentioned that. $200 of the goal amount is already dedicated to the Kindle setup/registration process. I'll need quite a bit more to make the interactive iPad version, but the Kindle version will be available through Amazon as soon as the book is! Hi, Mom!
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You could've purchased ten packs of instant noodles at the drug store, but you supported me instead! I will definitely think of you the next time I hear a Chris DeBurgh song.Estimated delivery:
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THANKS! And not just thanks from my bloody, beating, 12-oz heart; you also get TWEET THANKS! I will personally do the hard work of TWEETING with my REAL THUMBS AND FINGERS, telling THE WHOLE WORLD how grateful I am for you. You're not ready.Estimated delivery:
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A PDF download of the manuscript! I am NOT responsible for any devices that malfunction as a result of you licking or spitting or crying as you read the book. And please believe that those things will happen.Estimated delivery:
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A pre-order copy of the book!!! Aggghhh!! You'll get to read it and touch it and feel it in your hands, or put it in a blender with some coconut oil and rub it on your elbows. And I'll be handling each book, so for $25 you also kind of get to shake my hand. (plus the PDF!)Estimated delivery:
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Signed copy of the book! Impress your friends. Never buy another Christmas present again. Just send out a picture of yourself holding a book with MY SIGNATURE IN IT! (plus the PDF and Tweet Thanks!)Estimated delivery:
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TWO BOOKS, OKAY?? TWO WHOLE BOOKS!! So you can sit across from your sig.oth and giggle at different parts and be like: "What part are you on?" to which they'll reply: "No, what part are YOU on?"Estimated delivery:
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OUTTAKES! Believe it or not, I had to leave some gems out of the book. C'mon---271 pages is already pretentious enough for a first offering. I will send you a signed copy of the book and a delicious extra piece that's not in the book. Like a literary baker's dozen. Now bask, you hipster!Estimated delivery:
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3 backers Limited (47 left of 50)
YOU CHOOSE AN ENGLISH TEACHER! I'm giving 100 copies to English/Lit teachers all over the world, and now you get to throw a name into the hat! (Plus a signed copy for yourself, the PDF, and the Outtakes!)Estimated delivery:
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Skype/Facetime Sesh! I kind of get more nervous in front of webcams than I do on stages, but if you can stand to watch me sweat and mumble and clear my throat for 30 (mutually agreed-upon) mins, we can have a video chat about your fav pieces in the book! This will also undoubtedly grant you access to my skype handle or facetime address, so if you ever get lonely at night, you can call me and I'll sing you a lullaby or tell you you're beautiful and send you to bed. (plus the above rewards!)Estimated delivery:
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YOUR OWN ORIGINAL PIECE! I will write you a work of flash fiction inspired by you. If it's entirely awesome, I may include it in a later book, but short of that it's yours and yours alone! And you thought the outtake was a hipster reward! Also comes with a signed copy and a PDF download! (Note, this reward only available with other rewards where stated explicitly)Estimated delivery:
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COVER ART! A signed copy of the book, and an 8x10 print of the cover art, printed on archival paper, signed by the artist! (plus a signed book, PDF, Outtakes and Tweet Thanks!)Estimated delivery:
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I WILL RECORD A VIDEO OF MYSELF FREESTYLING ABOUT YOU LIKE I DO IN THE END OF MY KICKSTARTER VIDEO. And a signed book. When you pledge, ask for this specifically! Not available with any other rewards!Estimated delivery:
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FOTO PRINT. You're a weirdo and I love you. Only someone like you would support a publishing project and hone in on the photography reward! Check out my online portfolio (hillcityfoto.com) and I'll send you a 10x15 signed and numbered print of your choice! (plus a signed book, a PDF, Outtakes, Cover Art, and Tweet Thanks!)Estimated delivery:
Pledge $500 or moreYou selected
A SPECIAL PRINTED THANK YOU IN THE ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS SECTION OF THE BOOK! You also get a signed and dedicated copy of the book, and an original piece of flash fiction inspired by mine truly: You! Plus the PDF, the cover art, the outtakes, and a foto print!Estimated delivery:
Pledge $1,000 or moreYou selected
Look in the mirror. People like you are called "ballers". HERE'S WHAT YOU GET: A thank you printed in the book, TWO signed copies, the cover art, PLUS: A SPECIAL EDITION 36x24 (pretty bleeping huge) CANVAS GALLERY WRAP of any foto from my portfolio. You also get an original piece of flash fiction inspired by mine truly: You!Estimated delivery:
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CALIFORNIA READING! I'll come to you if you live in Cali, and we'll flip through the pages and laugh uncontrollably all night. (Plus five signed copies of the book for you to give away!)Estimated delivery:
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A PRIVATE READING!! I will come to your LIVING ROOM, town, classroom, library, business, church, temple, office, Chipotle or ANYWHERE in the continenta---screw it---THE WHOLE UNITED STATES and hold a private reading from my book. Heck, if your crew can hang, we can read the WHOLE THING! You're welcome, Hawaii and Alaska. ((Plus twelve signed copies to give away!)Estimated delivery:
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INTERNATIONAL READING!! Dude. Let's eat baguettes or kitfo or pho or haggis or paella or cookup or bruschetta or fufu or WHATEVER YOU PEOPLE EAT! I'm coming to your country, bro! To set my feet on your soil and fight with you about whichever piece you hate the most. Or maybe we won't talk at all. Maybe we'll just hug for an hour since that's the TRUE universal language. If you don't want to go the hugging route, just make sure there's a translator there! (Plus TWENTY signed copies for you to give away!)Estimated delivery:
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YOU HAZ HIT THE MOTHER LODE! (Don't correct my spelling---it's not very becoming of you.) I will WRITE YOU A COPY OF THE BOOK BY HAND!!! All 271 pages! Ready in time for Boxing Day! My hands hurt just thinking about it. Tears guaranteed; blood and sweat sold separately! (Plus ALL the other perks, including FIVE signed and dedicated normal-people copies to hold you over until jouvert morning.)Estimated delivery:
- (30 days)