These are the updated bios of the characters for the web-series we are producing.
A 5 O’clock shadow bearing breed of a woman constructed of the body of an over-sized walrus and the buttocks of a hippopotamus. People constantly mistake her for a male due to the constant stubble on her face or a wild animal because of her morbidly obese figure which she maintains by consistently shoving candy bars in her mouth. No one is quite sure how old she is, however; everyone is aware that death is right around the corner. Someone once tried to cut off a portion of her leg to attempt and age her like a tree, that person was absorbed into her like a black hole. Believe it or not....Captain Whiskaas has a Masters degree in Criminal Psychology as well as World Literature. Her favorite hobby is collecting belly button lint and shaping it into her favorite Empty House characters (yes this is the opposite of the show that you know we're talking about). She recently was divorced by the man who played "Harry" on "Harry and the Andersons" (yes....its the same opposite thing as "Empty House"). She enjoys reading the famous comic strip "Widowed Carnival" (not quite sure what this one is....but its still opposite of something).
A very intelligent man of age 80 that often times gets lost in the topics of World War 1 (while not actually serving), World War II (where he stubbed his toe when getting off the plane in Berlin, fell down to ground where he broke both of his legs and was sent home) and gardening (however he lives in an apartment on the 4th floor). Has a Ph.D. in International Business, Ph.D. in Applied Marketing Tactics and a Ph.D. in World Literature. He's a slender man who doesn't have much muscle left due to the aging of his body, a full head of white hair and always looks like a business person about to negotiate the best deal. Enjoys animal crackers and dislikes Captain Whiskaaas, because she always takes his lunch which he needs to eat before taking his old man medicine. He attempted to have a cat once, but didn't like the way it scratched his pleather furniture and didn't own a litter box (he was under the impression that the cat was supposed to supply these items when he got it.....damn Coreysnotes ads). His love of Meat Loaf (the artist) is alot like one of the creators of the show (Jeff Brown).....(yes....Jeff loves Meat Loaf).
At first glance of dean Fuchsia, one might assume that he is a freshly out of the closet homosexual due to his flamboyantly put together outfits consisting of pastel colors and out of season ties. Fresh out of getting his Doctorate of Education and a Masters in Sociology and hired only 6 months ago, his sole purpose was to prevent the schools inevitable failure, which is now worse than it was before he was hired. He is a man of medium build, 43 years old with pale skin which is caused by him never leaving his office. One might think Mr. Fuchsia lives with his mother, however; he is actually married to a surprisingly stunning wife in a three story house. Although the odds are against him, he leads the others with his head held high and a smile on his face (just because we drew the smiley face like that in the beginning and didn't want to change it). In his spare time, when hes not plowing his smoking hot wife....he enjoys a good plate of Bottom Oikos noodles and Asian hot tea....mixed together....in a microwave.....for 6 minutes.....with season packets.....and soy sauce.....cook on high temp.....and mixed together.....and occasionally....another 2 minutes.....cooked together.....for the best taste.....eat by NOV 12 2014.
Rug B. Johnson
Manufactured as a Dartboard in December of 2010, and for some reason given the ability to talk (because we wrote it that way) Rug B. has been kicked while he's is down for most of his product life. This added with his flamboyantly homosexual preference and inappropriate comments towards Mr. Fuchsia makes him the target for much expected hatred. People often throw darts at him (literally and figuratively) as a way to bring Rug B. down in a society empowered by heterosexual people. It is very difficult to talk about our good friend Rug B. Johnson considering he is a dartboard. Well....here goes....he is the smartest of all dartboards graduating with a 20191817161514131211 G.P.A graduating with a Magna Cum-Laude "On-Top" of his class (which he loved every minute of it by the way). His favorite artists include Elton Gone, George Nichaels, Gay George, Michael Bolt-on, Whammmm, Liberaces, Big Willie Smile and DJ Snazzy Jeff, Culture Clubs, N-SINK, 97 degrees and his absolute favorite....Half Dollar. (never understood how he listens to music with no ears).
Being from Shreveport, Louisiana, people chalk her terrible vocabulary up to being part Cajun. What they don't know is that Rory is mentally retarded. Standing 5'5" tall, she is universally hated by the entire group of teachers (mainly because they cannot understand her and have dubbed her "R Girl"). Although she looks early 50s, Rory was actually a product of 1978. She had her first date when she was 14 years old with what turned out to be her uncle and yet the date still went great. She loves traveling to exotic places, and by exotic we mean places like Dickinson, North Dakota and Apple Valley, Utah. She has purchased a bobble-head of Richard Nixon in every city that she has traveled to.....her total is now up to 51. Its no surprise that she has 11 cats and is currently in talks with Super G about adopting his. She once dated a D-list actor in 1978 and things went well until her partner found out she was a woman. She has an obvious love for Rug B. Johnson and is not detoured whatsoever in the fact that he is a gay dartboard. Her love for her school is annoying and usually gets her thrown out of the teachers’ lounge. But she always comes through when they need her most.