Help us get illustrations for our vegetable detective series. All that stands between us and vegetable annihilation is you!
Do you have kids? If you do, you know exactly what they like to eat: ice cream; cookies; candy. You know what these tiny terrors don't like to eat? Vegetables! They'd rather do ten years in a cell with Mike Tyson than eat vegetables. So, what are you going to do? You can't let your kids eat whatever they want. If you do that, it's anarchy. And you certainly can't beat your children to within an inch of their lives.
If you love your kids – and I know you do – then you need this book: A is For Asparagus, a Jacques Couteau Vegetable Detective Mystery. It’s about a boy who's a detective solving diabolical crimes against vegetables. By the end of the story, your kids – the little wrecking balls of joy that they are – will love asparagus.
There’s only one problem. While Holland Dayze (our pen name) knows how to write, we don't know how to draw . . . at all. A classy book like A is For Asparagus needs classy pictures. And that, my friend, is where you come in.
By pledging some Kickstarter dollars, you can help illustrate this book and bring it to life. The more money you give, the better the pictures. The better the pictures, the more asparagus your kids will eat. The more asparagus your kids eat, the less likely they are to steal your car at night, sniff paint thinner, and then go steal your car at night and go smoke some weed laced with Windex. It's a win-win sort of thing for everyone.
Plus, you also get some pretty sweet kickbacks. The more money you give, the better the rewards. You can earn autographed copies of books, get mentioned in the acknowledgments, and – if you dig really deep – you might even get to name a character in some future book.
So, what are you waiting for? Check out our Rewards and make a contribution today!
[NOTE: For all physical premiums, please add $5 for shipping and handling if you live in Canada, and $10 if you live anywhere else overseas. Thanks!]
EXCERPTED FROM "A IS FOR ASPARAGUS"
"Jacques is then summoned by the head of the Vegetable Intelligence Agency (VIA), Julia Milds – a tall imposing woman with the gift of the gourmet. He had once seen her remove a dozen eggs from boiling water at exactly three minutes and thirty-eight seconds without a timer. She could sculpt butter into perfect rosettes blindfolded while skiing the infamous Sorbet Slalom in Lucerne. Julia Milds was one of the founders of the VIA, she had worked for the OSS during WWII, and was responsible for liberating thousands of vegetable farms from the Nazis. (Hitler had a virulent hatred for all non-white vegetables, though – oddly – he detested the white turnip.)
"Milds gives Jacques some disturbing news: A mysterious anti-vegetable cabal is stealing all the asparagus in the world to engineer a “fast food” vegetable with twice the salt, twice the sugar, and three times the fat of ordinary fast food. And, worse, each YummyLand product is highly addictive, causing a lifelong craving after only one bite, turning people into lazy, obese do-nothing zombies . . . exactly what happened to Jacques’ parents."
Jacques Couteau, vegetable detective, is all that stands between us and vegetable devastation!
For a longer and considerably darker version of our Kickstarter video, click here.
I'm asking for $15K to commission a quality illustrator to illustrate A is for Asparagus. This children’s book currently exists without illustrations. I was able to do the first part, the writing, on my own, but I don't know how to draw -- at all! So, to make my dream a reality, to see the book finally published with fine-quality illustrations, I'm going to need your help. Once I pay Kickstarter and Amazon their share, and commission a quality illustrator, the rest goes toward formatting both the print and the e-book, including the new illustrations, securing ISBN #s and a Bar Code for each edition, and uploading the formatted titles to various publishing platforms like Create Space, KDP and the Nook. If I succeed in raising enough money to produce this inaugural title with illustrations, I hope to be able to commission an audiobook (think Christopher Walken), and another title as well: B is for Brussels Sprouts.
If I reach my goal, the money I raise will be spent on high-quality illustrations for A is For Asparagus, currently a completely picture-less children's book. Of course, if I reach my goal and can afford to re-issue this book with high-quality illustrations, then I may be in a position to try and get an audiobook made, as I describe in my longer Kickstarter video (http://youtu.be/CEaN9aeKOKE). Yes, of course, I'd be thrilled if I could persuade Christopher Walken to do the audiobook. I don’t see how we could ever afford him, though, even if he were willing? He’s out of my league, a virtual demi-god, a legend, a . . . you get the idea. Of course, if anybody knows him. I mean, personally. If they know him, and they passed this message along, and he was even somewhat intrigued with the idea of doing this voiceover for a piece of the action (cause I have no cash, really), then I'd be thrilled to take a meeting.
The short answer is: I don’t know yet. But I hope that you'll help me make up my mind. I know a bunch of great illustrators who I'm having a hard time deciding between. And they’re from all over the world. Over the next few weeks, I'll offer up whom I believe has the technical and aesthetic stuff to bring Jacques Couteau and May Fourchette to life. Vote and help me pick the best fit for A is For Asparagus. After all, it's your book as well. You're contributing to it. Contribute some more and help pick my illustrator. Each person who contributes, no matter how large or how small, gets a say in helping me choose. Be one of them!
Asparagus just sounds better. I mean the word artichoke has "choke" in it . . . and that's what I'd like to avoid with this project.
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Listed on our website (http://www.WeWantChristopherWalkenToDoOurAudiobook.com/) as a donor, and our eternal vegetable thanks!Estimated delivery:
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Free pdf of ebook and listed on our website as a donor. Eternal thanks and imaginary side of asparagus.Estimated delivery:
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Free pdf of ebook and listed on our website as a donor. Eternal thanks and imaginary side of asparagus, plus personalized thank you ecard.Estimated delivery:
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Free pdf of ebook and listed on our website as a donor. Eternal thanks and imaginary side of asparagus, plus personalized thank you ecard and a signed copy of the print book.Estimated delivery:
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All of the above, plus an A is For Asparagus magnet.Estimated delivery:
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All of the above, plus A is For Asparagus mug.Estimated delivery:
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All of the above, plus a personalized postcard, and a thank you call from you know who.Estimated delivery:
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All of the above, plus a signed A is For Asparagus Apron, and an outgoing answering machine message from you know who.Estimated delivery:
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All of the above, plus an unframed print of one of the illustrations in the book.Estimated delivery:
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All of the above, plus you get to name a character in a future book.Estimated delivery:
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All of the above, plus a framed illustration signed by the illustrator, and you get to pick the vegetable (i.e potatoes vs. parsley) associated with the book with your character. Wow!Estimated delivery:
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All of the above, plus you get to dedicate a book to whomever you choose. This person will live in infamy in the annals of vegetable detection . . . forever!Estimated delivery:
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All of the above, plus Holland Dayze will come over to your house (in the U.S.) and make you dinner.Estimated delivery:
- (32 days)