Kickstarter

FOR THE JERKS: I will send you a form e-mail expressing my disappointment with your measly $1 contribution.

FOR THE SLIGHTLY MORE GRACIOUS JERKS: I will send you a personalized e-mail telling you that you should have contributed more than $2 -- with an insult.

BORING: A signed copy of the finished product. This can include a personalized message or drawing, if requested.

LAUNDRY PACKAGE ONE: If you live within 10 miles of Auburn, NY (or deliver your laundry there) I will do one load(roughly 35 pounds) of regular laundry. You will also receive a signed copy of the finished book. DISCLAIMER: No poo, pee or puke. Must be clothes -- no comforters, horse blankets, etc.

HIGH CLASS LAUNDRY PACKAGE: If you live within a 50 mile radius of Auburn, NY, I will drive to your house, pick up one load of laundry (limit 35 pounds) and wash it at a local laundromat. You will also receive a signed copy of my book. DISCLAIMER: All of previous disclaimer still applies to this.

PLATINUM CLUB LAUNDRY PACKAGE: If you live within a 75 mile radius of Auburn, NY, I will drive to your house, pick up one load of laundry (limit 35 pounds) and wash it at a local laundromat. You will also receive a signed copy of my book. DISCLAIMER: All of previous disclaimer still applies to this.

BE THE CO-AUTHOR (KIND OF): You will get to name a character in the book. There are only 11 characters available, so choose wisely. Name can not be profane. You will also be named on a special "Thank You" page in the book. My autograph for your personal copy will likely include phrases like "I love you forever" and "I'm ready to take this relationship to the next level." If you would prefer, I could also just go with "We need to talk," and not actually sign the book.

FOR THE IDIOTS: You will also be named on a special "Thank You" page in the book. My autograph for your personal copy will read "Thanks for the extra $50, and sorry you still don't get to name a character in the book. I still regard you as a much better man/woman than those people." My signature will also have a heart next to it, because I love you.

THE ULTIMATE THANK YOU: You will get your name on the wall of Downtown Books & Coffee's Author Wall when I do a book signing with "Thank You" written above it. You will also be included on the "Thank You" page in the book, which will be autographed with "Let's name our first kid Jeremy Jr…whether it's a boy or a girl." Or, if you're not into that, I'll sign it "Best Wishes" with a sad face under it.

FOR THE STALKERS: You get everything mentioned above -- nasty e-mails, a signed book, me doing a load of your laundry (within 75 miles), your name on the Author Wall of Downtown Books & Coffee, you naming a character in the book…AND I will make a YouTube video personally thanking you for your contribution.

FOR THE REAL STALKERS: You get everything mentioned above -- nasty e-mails, a signed book, me doing a load of your laundry(within 75 miles), your name on the Author Wall of Downtown Books & Coffee, you naming a character in the book and a YouTube video personally thanking you for your contribution. Wait, there's more! I will send flowers to your place of employment with a card that says "I think what we have here is real." I will also send you a personalized e-mail at least once a day for an entire year asking how your day went and how things are going in your life. I'll even tell you a little bit about mine.

DINNER ON ME…NOT LITERALLY: I will take you out to a fancy restaurant, where I will pull out the book and read it to you word for word. I will then autograph the book and give it to you. This is limited to someone within New York State.

MY BOOK IS DINNER: Have you ever heard of eating your own words? I'll do that. I will literally take at least a couple pages from the book and eat them in front of you. This is limited to only New York state residents, unless you are ok with watching me eat a book over Skype.

MY BOOK IS DINNER AT A FANCY RESTAURANT: Can't get enough of the last two incentives? I will take you out to a fancy restaurant and read the book to you word for word. While that's going on, I'll have the restaurant make my book for dessert, where I will eat it. You get to not only keep the book I read -- which I will autograph with a Latin phrase meaning "The sky is blue because of you. You are my everything" -- but you get to keep the leftovers of the second book. This reward is limited for people in the contiguous United States.