Thank you tiny zygote! Someday you will grow into a beautiful woman, but for now we'll give you a giant shout out on our Facebook page thanking you for being born and opening your wallet wider than the legs of a whore on prom night.

As a baby you've made your way out of the birth canal and into the wonderful world of film donation. For this we will give you a giant shout out on our Facebook page describing in detail what a wonderful human you are for being born and opening up your wallet, plus a 1 inch button with the slogan from the movie, "Hos before Bros", for you to wear proudly on your onesie. This button not only makes you super cool, but proves you're a financier of the film.

Hey baby girl! You're walking now and have discovered that the sound of your farts makes you laugh and laugh and laugh. For donating to our film we'll send you everything above, plus a DVD copy of the final film "Olive and Mocha" which you can watch over and over again to remember a time when you were young, generous and smart. The laughs will never stop as you rewind and play again and rewind and play again and rewind and play again.

You're a big girl now who lured the neighbor boy into playing doctor by telling him some knock, knock jokes. And because you're smart enough to donate at this level, we'll send you everything above, plus that DVD will be signed by Suzi Yoonesi, the director of the film and Molly Hale, the writer and producer. Their signatures will plant the seed that you too can grow up to make comedies.

Congratulations! You've just gotten your period and nothing says womanhood like debilitating cramps and blood stains on your favorite jeans. To make light of the situation you wrote a joke about it which didn't go over well at the dinner table. We totally feel your pain and will send you everything above plus a personalized, handwritten note from our director, Suzi Yoonessi in beautiful cursive font.

Sweet sixteen and you couldn't be moodier. You've stopped writing jokes and just rant about your mom in your diary. The boy you like won't give you the time of day and you feel gross about giving Simon Wilshire a hand job behind the portables. These are dark times and we understand. So, for using your babysitting money to donate, we'll send you everything above, plus a still from the film shoot that's been signed by the cast and crew. You can dote on the photo knowing that we are your only, true, BFFs.

Just turned 18 and the baby weight is finally gone. You're going off to college but secretly want to be a stand-up after you discovered an old Joan Rivers comedy album in the basement that you've been wearing out ever since. We want to keep you connected while you're away, so we'll give you everything above, plus you will receive access to a private blog where the writer and producer, Molly Hale, will keep you updated with behind the scenes photos and log entries on the film. Since you don't care that much about the Management class you're taking, you'll have lots of extra time to read up on what's new.

At age 21 you've never felt stronger! Your dad was mad when you dropped out, at first, but now that he's seen you perform stand-up he totally understands. And since you can "legally" drink now, hanging out at comedy clubs is starting to get real, real fun. Although beautiful and smart, no one would call you a lady and that's just the way you like it. For following your dreams we'll send you everything above and we'll also give you a "special thanks" in the official credits for the final film "Olive and Mocha". Getting recognized by professional film makers gives you the bragging rights you want while hanging out in the green room.

At 30 years old you're finally getting your own stand-up special. People are starting to recognize you on the street and every once in a while fans recite your own jokes back to you. You've slept with more cute boys than you can shake a stick at but none of them really panned out to much. We know you're looking for some girl on girl conversation and so for donating at this level, we'll send you all the schwag, set you up on the blog and we'll put together a Skype conversation with you and the writer, director and producers so that you can ask questions about Hollywood, producing an indie film, being a female comedian or we can just crack jokes a bunch.

Damn 35 came quick! What the hell? You were just moving into your first solo apartment and now you've got a three year old kid. Shit. Your sit-com is doing really well and girls everywhere look up to you as a hero. At this level we will send you all the schwag, set you up with the blog and in addition, we'll invite you out to the LA premier of the finished film, "Olive and Mocha". We know you have a busy schedule now, and you will have to get yourself out here on your own expense, but it would really make us look good if you came.

40 is your year! You've received an Oscar nomination for that indie drama your agent didn't want you to take. And now you've proven to everyone that you've got real acting chops. Your fee per film is going to go through the roof. For spending some of that new loot on us we'll send you all the schwag, set you up with the blog, invite you to the premier (on your own dime) plus we'll give you an honorary walk on role in the film "Olive and Mocha". You will have to fly yourself out to LA and put yourself up, but we know you're going to knock the role out of the park.

Nifty 50 never seemed so fun! You've been roasted by Friar's, hosted for Leno and from Cali to Bali, when you're in town the shows sell out. Dumping your second husband was the best call you've ever made and men half your age are throwing themselves at your feet. For giving your agent the okay to wire us some money we'll send you all the schwag, set you up with the blog, invite you to the premier (on your own dime), plus we'll give you a speaking role in the film "Olive and Mocha". You will have to fly yourself out to LA and put yourself up, but we're sure you've got plenty of miles from all those USO tours you did.

Shit you look good at 60! Not only is your career still alive, but people are starting to refer to you as the "Grand Dame of Comedy". This film isn't the blockbuster type you're used to starring in, but to thank you for your donation, we'll send you all the schwag, set you up with the blog and we'll give you an "Associate Producer" credit in the official credits for the final film "Olive and Mocha" and on IMDB. Because let's face it, you've done just about everything in your career and producing's the logical next step, right?

Time Magazine named you woman of the year and Maxim named you the #1 old lady they'd most like to fuck... right above Sophia Loren and Betty White. For keeping it real in your golden years we're going to send you all the schwag and set you up with the blog updates but we'll make that an "Executive Producer" credit, both in the film "Olive and Mocha" and on IMDB. Everyone knows money is power and your credit will tell the world that you've got the power. You're not just a good comedian anymore, you're an American legend.