Have you found yourself in a situation that seemingly has no solution? Blow into your old NES cartridge or fire up the Sega Genesis!
Ever since I was in diapers, I've been playing video games. They've come naturally to me. I'm extremely good at almost every game I pick up.
But what about real life? As it turns out, I'm not so great at that. I often wondered how much easier life would be if I had a controller and a set of extra lives. It was that line of thinking that made me realize video games have taught me everything I would ever need to know about life. In fact, they've taught me everything I need to know about EVERYTHING. I'm extremely prepared for every situation, ranging from how to arrange blocks all the way to how to save the universe.
Once I put it all together, I just had to figure out what each game was trying to prepare me for. This is no easy task, so I've decided to write a book that will teach you all the lessons that I had to research through hours and hours of gaming. For example... having trouble dealing with an ex-girlfriend? Pop in Altered Beast! Struggling to establish a BEST friendship? The answer lies in Contra. Most of these lessons will draw on games from the 80s and 90s.
These lessons are humorous looks at what you can learn from each game. Here are a couple of excerpts from the games mentioned above. Please note that it helps to have some knowledge of the game for a simple snippet... but the longer entries bring readers up to speed even if they are unfamiliar with the game. I tried to pick examples that were fairly easy to follow with no knowledge of the game. Here they are:
- Altered Beast & Ex-Girlfriends: "How does the game instruct us to reacquire this love gone astray? Simple. Get your balls back. No, really. Your feminine, frail state is barely able to hold your own against the demons which are trying to beat you back into the grave. However, if you can track down a blue dogpigox and kick it in its face, then you are rewarded with one of the aptly named "spirit balls." Collecting these balls turn you into a musclebound and powerful MAN. Three balls? Well, that turns you into a ferocious beast who is nearly indestructible. This game is really a metaphor for dealing with all sorts of terrible bullshit just to get your balls back."
- Contra & Best Friendship: "Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start. Boom. You have now each been granted 30 lives. And guess what? You need them all. This is Konami's way of telling you that life will definitely be a major pain in the ass. You're going to need 60 lives, collectively, to get through it with a shred of dignity left over. And even that might not be enough."
To make this book a reality, I need your help. Due to copyright reasons, I won't be able to use any images from the games. As you might imagine, this can be a real bummer when a simple screenshot can tell a much better story than a paragraph. For that reason, I will be looking into finding an artist to help me put in some illustrations at different points in the book. Of course, I will also need money to fund the layout, editing, printing, and distribution. I'm hoping that $3000 will be enough to cover all of these costs. The target date to have the book ready to distribute is the end of this year, around the holiday season.
Please let me know if you have any ideas for rewards or for my concept, in general. I welcome any and all constructive criticism. Actually, you can even send along any insults or unconstructive criticism as well. I can take it. Video games taught me how.
Have a question? If the info above doesn't help, you can ask the project creator directly.
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A thank you on the book's webpage (www.8bitsofwisdom.com/thanks). This special thanks pairs you up with your Old School Video Game counterpart! Find out who you match up with! You also get a few of my favorite lessons in digital form
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A thank you on the book's webpage, as well as a digital copy of the book
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A thank you on the book's webpage, a digital copy of the book, and a printed copy of the book
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All of the above, plus a second printed copy with a handwritten note from me. The idea here is to highlight a specific lesson with details you provide, and I will send that copy to your friend.
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All of the above, and you will also receive a "Special Thanks" acknowledgment in the book
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All of the above, and you will also be able to select a video game (pending approval, which will only filter a small number of games) or life lesson that you would like in the book.
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All of the above, and I will write a short story that reads like a video game story. The story will be based on a specific life event you would like me to write about for you, and include any details (names, locations, etc.) that you would like. This will be in DIGITAL form.
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All of the above, plus you can choose to have your copy marked up with hand-written notes in the margin on half of the lessons in the book
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All of the above, only your marked up copy will have hand-written notes on every lesson in the book as opposed to half
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All of the above, plus you can ask me to write a short story about any topic that you'd like. This will be in DIGITAL form.
- (47 days)